“Yeah, but I want more with Tom,” she said, her face coloring. I sat up, not sure I heard correctly. “You want more? Cass, you never want more, you’re forever ending relationships because the guy wants more than just sex.” Cass glared at me as I giggled. “What?” I shrugged, laughing, “I’m sorry, but it’s funny.”
“I’m glad you find it so funny,” she muttered, crossing her arms. Sitting forward, I touched her arm.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “Tell me about it,” I coaxed gently. Cass looked at me for a moment, before she sighed.
“I don’t know what the hell is wrong. I think I’m more into him that he is me,” she whined. In all the time I’d known her, I’d never seen her like this.
“Aww Cassie,” I said, standing up and throwing myself on her knee. I hugged her as she laughed. “Look, I’ve known Tom a long time and the way he is around you, well, I’ve never seen him like that before. He is just as into you as you are him, he just doesn’t quite know how to show it yet,” I smiled. Cass didn’t look convinced. I tried another approach.
“Before this, your longest relationship was about a month, right?” I said. Cass nodded. “Well it’s probably taking him longer to get comfortable in the relationship than you, that’s all.”
Look at me giving relationship advice. I’m sure there was irony in there somewhere.
“I guess you’re right, I just hate feeling this way,” she said glumly.
“What, vulnerable? In love? Dependent on someone else?” I teased. Cass poked her tongue out at me.
“Like you can talk,” she muttered, “because you’re so comfortable being in a relationship and all.”
“Hey, I’m only trying to help, I never said I was an expert,” I chuckled. “Speaking of which, do you mind taking me to Park Street? I made an appointment to see my psychiatrist,” I explained.
“Ooh, is this the sexy doctor? Is that why you’re all dressed up?” she teased, her eyes lighting up as she got to her feet.
“Shut up, I wish I’d never told you I thought he was cute,” I muttered, following her outside.
I felt the usual feelings of anxiety (throat restricting, sweating, shaking hands) being outside of the house. The waiting room at the psychiatrists was empty apart from Cass and me, which made things a little easier, but I still felt like I was being watched and judged by everyone. It occurred to me that I hadn’t told Simon about this appointment. Not that it mattered. When I needed to go, I went. In fact, if anything, he’d be glad that I’d taken it upon myself to make the appointment and arrange for Cass to take me.
“There he is,” I whispered to Cass, jolting my eyes toward the reception. Doctor Nichols was leaning over the desk, looking at something on the computer. Cass turned and looked at him with interest. His dark hair and brown eyes reminded me of Simon, maybe that’s why I foun
d him attractive. His toned body was noticeable, even through his black pants and light blue shirt. Cass turned back to me, her eyes wide.
“You get to talk shit with that once a week?” She gaped at me. “I’m so jealous.”
“What about Tom?” I teased.
“What about Simon?” she shot back without missing a beat. I grinned, point taken.
“Emma?”
I glanced up, my face red, trying to ignore Cass and her crazy eyes. I followed Doctor Nichols into his room and sat down in the chair to the right, where I always sat. I fidgeted with my hands until he sat down behind his desk.
“How are you, Emma? You’re looking good,” he added.
“Thanks,” I blushed, “I’m okay. No, actually, I’m not that good.” I corrected. What was the point in making an appointment and then lying about how I was feeling? Talk about counter-productive.
“So tell me what’s making you feel off,” he encouraged.
“The constant feeling that I need to worry about everything. The baby, Simon…everything,” I finished. I wasn’t even making sense.
“Emma, focus on one thing at a time. The baby, for example. Everything is going well?” he asked, fiddling with a pen. I stared as he rolled the pen in and over each of his long slender fingers. He caught my gaze, I blushed, looking away, remembering what Simon had done with his fingers the previous night. Why the hell had I just recalled that?
“Everything is fine, it’s just like I’m sitting here, waiting for it all to fall apart,” I tried to explain, my eyes not leaving the small potted plant that sat on his desk. I found myself wondering if it was real. It looked real. “Everything always falls apart, so why should this be any different,” I added.
“And Simon, your fiancé, what is the issue there?”
“There’s no issue with Simon, just with his ex-wife. They’re still so close and I just…I trust him, I do I just don’t know if I trust her.” I hated talking about this. God, I sounded like a psychotic girlfriend. I saw people like me every day, on Judge Judy. This was bad. Next I’d be covering her car in red paint and feathers.
“If you trust Simon, then if she did do something can you trust that he would stop it?” Doctor Nichols raised an eyebrow, his dark brown eyes on me, waiting for an answer.