“I am,” I admitted, “was it this hard with Maddie?”
“Yes,” chuckled Claire, “you were just too busy with work to notice,” she added, joining me on the sofa. I tried to ignore the way her hand brushed past my leg as she sat down.
“I wasn’t around much, was I?” I said, a pang of guilt ripping through me. “I could’ve been a much better father…and husband.” I was determined to be different this time around, both a better father and husband. I was done with putting my work first.
“We all have regrets,” Claire finally agreed. She smiled wistfully, her hand weaving through her long blonde hair. “Or at least, I do,” she added softly, taking a sip of her wine. She glanced at her glass, then back at me.
“Shit, sorry Simon. I didn’t think-.”
“Its fine, Claire,” I smiled, “I can handle people drinking in front of me.”
“Do you ever feel like just giving in?” she asked softly, fingering the rim of the glass.
“Sometimes,” I admitted. “Not often. After I was fired from the university and I couldn’t see Em, I felt so low, like I couldn’t be there to protect her, you know? I was so fucking worried that Moosly was going to track her down once the media got a hold of the story. All because I couldn’t keep my dick in my pants,” I shook my head and laughed bitterly. “I remember sitting in front of the TV, a shot of whiskey in a glass on the coffee table. I must’ve stared at it for about ten minutes. I couldn’t do it though. I picked up the glass and threw it at the wall.”
“What stopped you?”
I glanced at her, a half-hearted smile on my lips. “I’d let so many people down in my life, I didn’t want it to happen again. I was no use to anyone back then,” I added.
We sat silently, each of us lost in our own thoughts. I didn’t speak either because I wasn’t sure w
hat to say, or because nothing needed to be said. Instead, I stared at the television, thinking about how much my life had changed in the past few months.
I thought about how one small thing can change the course of our lives in such a huge way. What if Em had emailed me on any other day than the anniversary of my dad’s death? Chances are I wouldn’t have embarked on the relationship in the way that I did. Thinking back to those first few weeks of our relationship, some of the things I did made me cringe. Calling her in the middle of the night?
Why she hadn’t run for the hills then and there I don’t know.
“What are you thinking about?”
I looked up, surprised. I’d actually forgotten she was sitting there. I flushed slightly at being caught lost in my own thoughts.
“Just how one tiny thing can shape our lives,” I murmured, still thinking about Em. I lay my head back on the sofa, turned toward Claire and smiled.
Her lips met mine, her kiss raw and vulnerable. It took me a moment to realize what had happened. I coiled back in shock, not quite believing that what had just happened actually just happened.
“What the fuck was that?” I growled, both confused and annoyed that she would go there knowing how in love I was with Em. “Tell me, what the hell were you doing?” I demanded, standing up. Was that who she thought I was? Even at my lowest point, that was something I would never have done.
“Simon, I’m sorry,” Claire said desperately, jumping up, knocking her glass of wine over in the process. “I thought that you wanted-“
“My fucking fiancé is in hospital Claire,” I hissed. “Why in god’s name did you think I’d be okay with that? Have I ever given you any indication that I wasn’t completely committed to Emma?” I challenged. Claire was sobbing by now, her hands covering her face.
“Please Simon,” she begged, grabbing at my arm. I shrugged her off and shook my head.
“I think I should go.” I muttered.
“Don’t be silly. I made a mistake. Maddie thinks you’ll be here tomorrow, she’s expecting to spend the day with you,” she added desperately.
“And I will,” I retorted, “but I can’t stay here tonight, I just can’t. I have to go.”
Before she had a chance to respond, I bundled up Mirabella and gathered her things. Walking to the door, I turned back to Claire.
“Tell Maddie I will be here tomorrow.”
It had just passed three in the morning and I had literally just gotten Mirabella back to sleep after she spent nearly four hours crying. Waking a sleeping baby was a bad idea and I was still way too wound up to sleep. All I could think about was Em, Claire and that stupid fucking kiss.
I paced the length of the living room, my hands entwined behind my head. Fuck, this was driving me insane. The anger I felt inside directed at Claire was intense. How the fuck could she do that? How could she put me in that kind of situation?
Slumping down in front of the television, I turned it on, infomercials blared out of the speakers. I ran over the evening in my mind, worried that maybe I sent out signals without even realizing it. There was nothing at all in my mind that she could’ve taken inappropriately. Nothing I said could have been taken another way.