“Well, I'm sure it's been disorienting for him,” she said. “I mean, you were supposed to be coming back home for good. And then, just when he gets his mind around that, you up and take him away again.”
As if I needed any more salt rubbed into those particular wounds. I looked down at my hands, picked some imaginary lint off my pants, and did everything I could to avoid meeting her eyes. She was right. I really had no defense. There was nothing I could say to that.
“Why did you pack up and leave so fast, Hadley?”
I finally looked up to find my mother's eyes boring into me. I suddenly felt like a teenager again, getting grilled for staying out late, or something like that.
“Did it have something to do with Jared and Evan spending the night here?
she asked. “Things just got – complicated,” was all I would say.
“They always do with you, Hadley,” she said, a small laugh passing her lips. “Ever since you were a little girl, you've always seemed bound and determined to take the tougher path.”
“Well, you always tried to teach me that anything worth having is worth working for.”
Her smile was warm, and she nodded. “That's true,” she said. “We don't appreciate the things that come to us too easily.”
“No,” I said. “We don't. And that was one of the best things you ever taught me, Mom.”
“I wanted you to have a strong work ethic,” she said. “To never settle for anything and to always be willing to work hard for what you want.”
“And that's a lesson that's helped me get so far in life.”
“But, you know, you're not just living your life for yourself anymore,” she said softly. “Right? It's not all about you anymore, Hadley.”
“I know,” I say, that sense of shame washing over me once more.
“You have to put Grayson first,” she said. “You have to think about his wants and his needs, what's in his best interests before anybody else's. Mine. The Walkers. Even your own.”
“I know, Mom.”
“Do you?”
I finally met her gaze again and all thought of arguing or protesting, no matter how much I wanted to in that moment, fled. She was right. Ever since we hit town again, ready to start over, I'd been behaving badly. I'd only been thinking of myself, and not thinking through the possible ramifications of my actions upon my baby boy.
Ever since I got back to Castle Creek, I'd been putting my own needs, wants, and desires above all else. Even Grayson. “I do,” I said. “Now.”
Mom leaned back on the sofa and looked at me. I knew she knew something had happened between me and the Walker boys. She just didn't know what – and I sure as hell wasn't going to tell her. But, I had to give her credit, I could see her curiosity, but she wasn't going to push. “For whatever it's worth,” she said. “I truly think Castle Creek would be the best place to raise Grayson. He'll be surrounded by people who love him. People who will help and support him. And best of all, he won't have to deal with the memories and old ghosts that still live in San Diego. I think a fresh start would do wonders for that little boy.”
I was inclined to agree with her. If nothing else, getting away from all of the memories Chris left behind in San Diego would probably help him heal and move forward in life, more than anything. I also had no doubt that the love and support he would receive from everybody around him there in Castle Creek, would help make him a better more well-rounded little boy.
Over it all though, hung the specter of what I'd done with Evan, Jared, and Gabe. It cast a long, dark shadow over it all. Even though Gabe told me everything was cool, and that it was all just as the same as I'd left it, I had more than a few doubts.
Could I live in a town that small knowing what I'd done with the Walker boys? It wasn't like San Diego, where I had a million people to act as a buffer zone. No, in Castle Creek, I was going to run into them again and again. Was that something I could live with?
Maybe the better question and the one I should have been asking though, was Grayson going to be able to live without everything Castle Creek had to offer him?
“All I can promise right now is a visit, Mom,” I said. “I just – I just don't know if we can stay here permanently.”
She nodded, but I could see that small flicker of disappointment in her eyes, which, of course, sent a jagged lance of pain through my heart.
“I understand, dear,” she said. “And ultimately, it's your decision. I just hope you factor in the maximum amount of happiness for Grayson when you consider your options.”
“I will, Mom,” I said. “I promise you that.”
***
The light streaming in through the windows pulled me out of my sleep. I groaned and rolled over, checking the time. It was seven-thirty. After staying up and talking to my mom until around two, I wanted nothing more than to sleep for a few hours more.