Here With Me

“If what they said was true, I figured what’s the point?” I look down at my hands—these hands that could have hurt her. My stomach twists. I would never let that happen.

“You didn’t even try.” It’s not a question.

I turn my back. “It’s a life sentence. I’ll never get better.”

Sadness, anger, depression—all three are knotted in my stomach. Taron is quiet, and when I look up, I see by his expression he’s choosing his words.

“When they sent us home, they gave me a diagnosis.” He walks slowly closer. “A life sentence—debilitating back pain for the rest of my life.” He holds out his arms. “Look at me. Do I look debilitated?”

“How are you feeling now?” For someone with his injury, I’m always amazed he never complains.

“No pain.” He leans side to side. “Acupuncture works.”

I nod, truly happy for him. Still, I don’t think needles will fix what’s broken in me. It’s not the same. The body can heal…

“Did they tell you anything else? Anything mental?” I want to know if they told us all the same thing—PTSD, depression, suicidal ideation… Maybe it’s something they say to everyone after being in high-stress situations.

“They said I’d have dreams. I’d see her face.” His voice turns thoughtful. “I did, but I found a cure.”

Tension pulls my stomach tight. “How?”

“Therapy.” As if he can hear my inward groan, he clasps my shoulder. “You don’t have to take what they told you as gospel. New treatments are coming out all the time. You can beat it if you’re willing to try.”

“I’m trying.” The painful truth, what I don’t want to admit, is this problem is stronger than me, and I don’t believe I can be saved.

“You still got the card I gave you?”

“The doctor?”

“She helped me when I thought I’d never get clean. I’d swear by her if you’re brave enough to own your demons and do the work.”

Shame… It’s been holding me back for years.

“I can’t be this way.” It’s not the same as owning it. As we slowly approach the house, Akela trots up, and I pet her gray head. “They need me. Noel, Leon…”

“You don’t think I felt that way?” Taron stops on the porch. “Harvest is behind us. Leon is doing great. Noel is covered. It’s time you own this and do what you need to do.”

“Go to Nashville.” My tone is resigned, and I think about what that means.

“You’ve got friends there.” We’re at the house, and he holds the door for me. “Will you discuss this with Mindy?”

I think about Mindy, and guilt, dread… “No.”

“Because you’re in love with her?” He gives me that Taron look, like he’s so damn smart.

“Because I’m not cruel. I won’t let her hang her future on me. I might not come back from this.”

And I’ve seen how destructive love can be. I saw it in my parents. I saw it in my sister. I would never put Mindy through a lifetime of my brokenness.

“I wouldn’t bet against you.” He follows me into the house. “I’ve seen you with her, and I know you. Mindy is your reason to fight.”

Hours later, I’m in my room packing shirts in a suitcase. I’ve called Patton, and he’s set me up in a penthouse in one of his high-rise apartments in Nashville.

His dad finally gave him control of their family business, a local real estate company Patton turned into the Airbnb of the commercial real estate market. Now he’s richer than anybody I know. He has clients all over the world who come to him for short-term office rentals in the United States. Taron explained it to me, and it sounds pretty genius.

I like Patton, but we’ve always been two alphas in the same pack. In the past it was better if we kept things long-distance so we didn’t bump heads… Now I need help.

My confidence is shot, and I’m going to Tennessee hoping to beat the odds.