Here With Me

Cleaning my eyes, I nod. “Okay.”

“You’ve known Sawyer a long time, since you were a little girl.” She waits, and I nod. Then I realize she can’t see me nodding. “That’s right.”

“Are you sure you’re in love with the man he is now, or are you in love with what you want him to be?”

It’s not a question I was expecting, and my obliterated heart flares with defensiveness. “I’m in love with Sawyer always. I’ve known him my whole life, and every year my love has grown stronger.”

She closes her eyes and lifts her chin as if she’s hearing voices from beyond. “Your aura is so blue today.” Her eyes flutter open to the ceiling, and concern lines her face. “You’re a wonderful friend, a passionate lover, but you need to take care of yourself. Come to me.”

She holds out a hand, and I go to where she’s sitting.

“You’re a jewel, Melinda Claire. Why do you feel you don’t deserve to be treated as one?”

“I do…” My voice is small, sad. “Sawyer can treat me that way.”

“But he doesn’t.” Her warm smile is not making me feel better.

“He does. He’s always been quiet.”

Releasing my hands, she lowers her gaze back to somewhere in my vicinity. “I want you to listen to me.” She looks at me like the school teacher she used to be. “Sawyer LaGrange is a man just like any other man. He’ll rise to whatever level you expect from him. You’re beautiful and strong, but you’ve given him all the power. I want you to go out there and find out who you are without him in your life. The day you put your head on your pillow knowing you don’t need him is the day he’ll come back to you.”

I don’t have an answer for this. It actually sounds like something Oprah would say. “I’m just so tired, Mrs. Irene. I don’t think I can do it.”

“You can and you will.” She’s so certain.

I wish I felt as certain as she does. “Deacon says I should go to Dallas and start my design business.”

“I think that’s a good idea.”

“It wouldn’t be permanent. I’d stay with William until I had a good enough client base to bring home.” Exhaling a sad little laugh, I shake my head. “I never thought I’d want to live here. Now, with you and my family, my friends… I can’t imagine living anywhere else.”

Even if Sawyer doesn’t want me, it’s my home.

“This is a good course of action. It’s exactly what you need to do.” Her chin lifts and her blue eyes glow. “Get away for a while, and when I see you again, you’ll be better.”

I stand at my window looking out at the night sky. I’m so tired. I’m sad and depressed and not sure I have what it takes to make this move.

Sawyer wanted to be an owl. I wanted to be the moon. Tonight a full moon is out, and I imagine the owls coming from their nests. Wishes don’t always come true, it seems.

Before I left the nursing home, I gave them my notice. When I got home, I talked Ma and told her my plan. She was resistant at first, but when I said Deacon had helped me make it, she eased up a bit. She liked that it was only temporary—at least that’s what I’m saying. Who knows what the future might bring?

Walking from my window, I sit at my small desk. In the drawer is an old notebook, and I manage to find a ball point pen that writes. Deacon said to write things down. Sliding my hand across the blank page, I think about what I want to say.

Dear Sawyer,

Do you remember our first time? I’ll never forget it as long as I live. I’d loved you for years, but you said I was too young. Even back then, you told me to find someone else.

I tried. Honestly, I did.

When you came back, I gave you the space you needed. I thought it was because you wanted to be sure. I made so many excuses for you.

Now you’re gone, and I feel like my life is over. I don’t even want to go on. It’s unhealthy and wrong, but it’s true.

Mrs. Irene says I have to find out who I am without you. I think she means it’s time to grow up. So maybe my life has ended… the baby girl part.

You went away to find yourself. Now I’m doing the same. Maybe we’ll find a way back to each other. Maybe we won’t.

Either way, I’ll never forget who I was with you. I was the moon, and you were my owl. I was the anchor, and you were my ship. I’d like to think I kept you safe, but maybe I held you down or kept you from flying away.