It may be difficult at times for both of us, but we just have to take deep breaths and hold on and reassure each other.
My eyes and heart are open and that is what scares me most, because I have never let anyone see this deep inside. There are some barriers and fences to get around. but once you’re inside try not to move things too much because they have been in the same place for a long time. Just dust them off, and when things are settled, you can rearrange them to fit you better.
One other thing—sex is important, but if we both can’t enjoy it then it really has no meaning. Once we’re in the mode of sex, then I probably won’t be able to get enough of it, but I’ve made it this long without it—a little longer won’t hurt. No, I’m not trying to build up to some climactic meeting where we fall into each other’s arm and we make passionate love and everything is great, but it can happen, even at our age. (Okay, yes, I am building to this.) But right now I’m interested in your heart. Just be yourself.
I don’t want you to think that I expect anything from you because we were together years ago. The magic will take care of itself; let’s get to know each other. I’m the worrier, remember!
Tim
I read the e-mail on Wednesday morning and picked up the phone and called him.
“Have you heard anything about Atlanta?”
“Not for sure yet, but it looks like I’ll be going next Thursday morning. What about you?”
&n
bsp; “I heard from my publicist. There’s a signing Thursday afternoon. I’d fly in Wednesday night and fly out Friday.” I was in my office, my book document open. I was going to work all day and into the night. I had my priorities.
Besides, the book was going well. I could feel the people so clearly, and the words were flying out of me.
I was good at what I did. I needed to focus on that.
“Sounds good.”
“I can’t believe we’re really going to do this.”
“It’s inevitable.”
“I . . . have something to tell you.”
“I hope so. I’ve been waiting.”
“But, Tim . . . if I do . . . it’s not . . . I’ve never told anyone . . .” He knew that. I’d already said so. But did he understand the ramifications? How could he?
“Then it’s probably time you did.”
“You just have to promise . . .” What? “Just . . . I don’t want you to think any less of me . . .”
“I’m not going to. Whatever it is, we’ll get through it. You just need to tell me. Once that’s done, you’ll see, it won’t be such a big deal. It’s just getting things out that’s hard.”
I knew it was more than that. But understood that he couldn’t possibly know.
I left it at that. And tried to believe that we really could make something work.
Twenty-Three
TIM WAS IN TROUBLE. HE MEANT EVERY WORD HE SAID to Tara. He was going to be there for her. He would be her rock in the storm. But he was human, too. And he had issues of his own.
Her reticence was not good. The letter telling him to take a break had scared the shit out of him. Hell, he was a walking mass of paranoia where she was concerned. Any other time in his life, he’d have removed himself from the situation. He couldn’t do that with Tara.
He didn’t like that fact.
But a man knows what a man knows, and that woman had him by the . . . heart.
Tara,
I just want to get this down before we see each other. I just can’t take you walking out of my life again. I’m trying to be completely honest and show you everything that goes thru my head and my heart. This time you won’t have any doubts that I’m telling you everything about what I’m feeling.