I have a lot of issues with trust and security. When I feel threatened I shut down and suppress all of my feeling, like I did when you wanted your ring back. I hurt a lot of people doing that. All that I’m asking is be careful with me and make damned sure this is what you want. Because I’m already attached too much to you to go back.
When you talk to me, there is a calm that comes from that, and I need it more and more.
Tim
I read Tim’s post late Wednesday evening. And called him for a second time that day.
His vulnerability sent my heart into overdrive.
“Hey,” I said as soon as he picked up. “I hope it’s not too late.”
“It’s never too late for you.”
“I got your e-mail. You are what I want, Tim. I have no doubt about that. It’s you wanting me when you know everything that worries me.”
“Oh, babe, believe me, I want you.”
It was almost eleven his time and he sounded groggy. “Were you in bed?”
“Yeah, but I wasn’t sleeping yet. I was lying here thinking about you.”
I slid down to the floor into my desk alcove and leaned back, too tired to fight issues at the moment. “What about me?”
“What are you wearing?”
“What?”
“What do you have on tonight?”
“Jeans. A yellow shirt. And a jacket that matches them both.”
“Anything under them I should know about?”
Oh, God. This was the Tim I knew the best. The man who had sex on his mind and wasn’t shy talking about it. This was my Tim from 1977. He was way out of my league now.
“Like what?”
“Stuff I like.”
I smiled. “What do you like?”
“You know what I like.”
“Tell me.” I didn’t recognize myself.
“I like a nice playground, and from what I remember, you have a very nice one.”
“It’s probably not real gentlemanly of you to remind me of that.”
“Why not? It’s just the two of us here.”
“I know, but . . .”
“You asked me what I was doing. I was lying in bed thinking about you. About how it used to be for us. Thinking about touching you like that now.”
Atlanta. They might be seeing each other very soon. I was a changed woman. I was going to have to tell him. But I was enjoying the conversation so much I couldn’t stop.
He was my Tim. And safely far away.