Whatever It Takes (Bold As Love 3)

I walk away and go to my first class. Emily wouldn’t cheat on me, would she? She’s supposed to be at Mike’s and yet she was having breakfast with Kyle. There isn’t any time for this right now. I have to pay attention. The thought that Emily may be cheating is too distracting. Once I return home for the day, around eight o’clock, I feel guilty for even thinking it. Emily wouldn’t do such a thing.

To prove myself right, I finally call her. After all, I've yet to hear from her. Each ring seems to take forever to finish and the pauses in-between seems to last even longer. She picks up on the fourth ring.

“Hello,” she answers sounding a bit breathless.

“Hey Sweetness. How’s it going?”

“Good. I’ll probably come home tomorrow.”

“Why didn’t you stop by today?” I ask.

Emily is quiet for a moment before answering. “How'd you know?”

“A friend.”

“I was only there for an hour or two. It was something I needed to do in person.”

I try to keep my voice gentle as I say, “Why him? Why can’t you talk to me?”

“His mom went through it. He can help me Jake.”

“And I can’t?”

“Jake, you do help me.”

“Then why aren’t you here? If I can help you so much, then why are you at your dad’s? Why are you coming up here to see some other guy if I can help you? If I can help you then why do you keep running away from me?”

I don’t understand her logic. We lost our baby. We grieve over our baby. It was our baby. Before I could stop myself, the words were out of my mouth.

“Emily, you aren’t the only one who lost something here. That was my baby too. Why in the hell are you being so self-centered?”

The silence spoke so loudly.

“Sweetness, I’m so sorry. This is hard for me too. It bothers me when you won’t let me help you.”

“Jake, I have to go.”

No. Not that voice. Please tell me I didn’t just hear that same trembling voice I once heard when Emily’s mom called her. Damn it. Emily hung up before I could speak another word. I toss my phone across the room and head to the bathroom for a shower. Exhausted mentally and physically, I plan on going to bed immediately afterward.

Hot water slides down my body and re-energizes me. Steam dances around my head and shoulders. Shifting left to right, it is as if somehow my cloudy mind is being pulled this way and that until all the knots are untangled. Thirty minutes later and I'm both squeaky clean and utterly alone as the empty apartment seems to grow into one big abandoned place.

Tossing and turning. It is all I can do. My mind is weighed like a ton of bricks with those words I spoke to Emily. The sound of the front door opening and closing causes me to bolt up. Footsteps sound throughout the rooms and keys clack together as they are set on a surface.

Just as I am about to get out of bed, Emily’s silhouette appears in the doorway of our bedroom. I reach over to turn on the light. My heart swells at the sight of her. A piece of it also cracks. Wearing pajamas, Emily moves forward to climb into bed. I can see that her eyes are puffy and red. My mouth opens, but Emily speaks first.

“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, Jake. Sometimes, I feel good about life and other, times I wish it would end. I want to talk to you, I do. It’s so hard, though. It seems as if this is hardly affecting you, while I’m a train wreck. and I feel as if you wouldn’t understand. Kyle is showing me a different perspective that makes accepting this easier. And you keep making it harder.”

Emily looks over at me from her seat on the edge of the bed. Worry fills her eyes and remorse fills my own.

“I’m so sorry, Sweetness. I guess it’s me who is being selfish. I want be the one helping you. Not Kyle.”

“Are you jealous,” she asks with a small smile.

I chuckle and reply, “Only because I’m scared you are going to find someone better for you. Someone like Kyle.”

7

Emily