Cal is a sore subject for me ultimately because in a weird way, I feel like I was duped. Like I was with the wrong guy. I should have never hung out and fooled around with Cal in high school. All of it should’ve been with Collin, but I was too immature to see what really mattered back then. I think about Cal and feel nothing but regret. I’m in love with his brother, but we’ve been dancing to this song for so long, I’m not sure we’ll ever be more.
Collin sighs and doesn’t look so sure about keeping me a secret for a while.
“We never tell Cal when I’m in town. Why is this time different?” I ask.
“You’re hurt, Jules,” he says so simply, it’s as if that explains everything.
It doesn’t.
“Cal doesn’t care if I’m hurt or not.” And he wouldn’t. I highly doubt that’s changed about him from high school. Cal doesn’t care because he doesn’t care about me, not like Collin does. If Collin was hurt, it would be a different story because it’s someone Cal cares about. Cal doesn’t care about me. Therefore, so what if I’m hurt?
Collin doesn’t acknowledge what I said. Instead, he says, “You know you can stay as long as you want. If you don’t want Cal to know, then we won’t tell him.”
I throw my arms around him.
“Thank you.”
He holds me for a moment before releasing me. “Eat your sandwich, Jules.”
After we’re done with our sandwiches, there’s banging on his door. “Come on, Collin! Stop ignoring me!” his brother shouts. “I’m sorry, okay? Give me my key back and let’s move on. You aren’t crazy, either. I shouldn’t have said that.” Collin turns to stone next to me, even though Cal is apologizing. “Please, Collin?”
“Go away, Cal!” Collin shouts.
“Is that girl still in there? Is that why you’re being a dick to me?”
Collin sighs.
“Maybe you should talk to him,” I suggest.
“Stay where you are.” Collin stands and walks to the door, blocking it much like he did his bedroom door this morning, though there’s no chance Cal can see me now. “Go the fuck away, Cal. Apology accepted. Happy? Now, go home. I need a nap.”
“That girl is definitely still here. Why are you keeping secrets from me?”
“Because you tried breaking into my room this morning,” Collin easily replies.
“I gave you an apology!”
“Which I accepted. That doesn’t mean you get your key or that I’m letting you in,” he fires back. “Now go home. You’re seriously wearing me the fuck out.” He closes and locks the door before Cal can argue with him.
“I’m sorry.”
Collin frowns at me. “Why are you sorry? He does something stupid like that at least once a month.” He sighs. “Do you mind if I actually take a nap? I promise to be better company later, but I’m exhausted.”
I shake my head. He walks over to me and gives me the tightest hug he can without breaking a rib. “I’m glad you’re here, Jules. I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too,” I whisper before he releases me and walks away to his bedroom. I just wish he loved me like I love him.
I’m lying on the couch, watching TV, when I hear gasping sounds from the bedroom. I shoot off the couch and see Collin lying on his back, his hands in fists by his side, and his chest moving rapidly with each inhale. He’s told me he has nightmares where he’s having a panic attack. Do they manifest themselves like this? He never said. No wonder he’s getting more and more exhausted every day.
I rush to climb onto the bed and shake him awake. He startles and grabs my shoulders in a tight grip that has me wincing. His glazed eyes clear in about three seconds.
“Fuck, Julie! Are you okay? What’s wrong?” His hands slide up and down my arms in a soothing motion.
“I’m fine,” I say, causing him to frown in confusion. “You were almost to the point of hyperventilating in your sleep, so I woke you up.”
His hands fall and he collapses back onto the bed. “Oh.” He squeezes his eyes closed and tries to regain control of his breathing.
“Are you okay? Do you remember what the dream was about?”