Before we leave, I’ve already been asked to come to lunch and if I’d be willing to help with any fundraising the spouses do.
My selfish heart only hears offers from people who want time with me away from Collin. That is the last thing I want to do, especially right now. Not even considering what Collin is going through, but we are finally a couple. Why would I want to give up couple time to spend with these people? If I separate myself from them, will Collin be okay with that or will he want me to integrate myself as he has?
I’ve never really been the social type. Not the kind that has a ton of friends. Or even more than two close friends. I had one friend in high school and the Kessy twins. In college, I found a best friend and kept Collin. My circle is super small, just the way I like it.
Collin’s is huge. Maybe he can keep his circle and I can have mine, neither having to converge or overlap.
A girl can dream, right?
“This is bullshit,” I huff while leaning back in my seat in Trace’s office. “All I want to do is play, and that damn sports psychologist makes it seem like I won’t ever do it.”
“What happened?” he asks, calm as ever.
I had my first session with my other shrink this morning and I’ve been agitated ever since. “He’s stupid, that’s what happened.” I power on to what’s bugging me the most. “He thinks Cal is my problem.” Trace’s eyebrows shoot up. “Exactly! We’re a force on the ice. One of the reasons management loves us is because we play so well together.”
“Then why does he think Cal is your problem?” he asks.
“Because Cal is doing better than me this season, and obviously, right now. He thinks I’ve compared myself to him so much that it’s fucking with my confidence and my play. It’s bullshit. He goes back and tells the team that and I won’t be playing with my brother.”
“How important is that to you?”
My fingers curl and dig into my jeans with his question. “He helps me manage my anxiety, so it’s important.”
“Okay. That’s good. What do you think is your actual problem?”
This is the part I don’t want to talk about. I know where things started going downhill for me with hockey; it’s fucking embarrassing. Cal would never make such a mistake. Only the dumbass twin would.
“Collin?” Trace urges.
“I scored on Savage, my own goalie. And then I kept fucking up and the pressure not to kept building, but that just made it worse.”
He’s quiet for far longer than I’d prefer, and when he speaks again, his question surprises me. “Do you trust yourself to handle your anxiety on your own? Without Julie or Cal?”
“We’re supposed to have a support system, aren’t we?” I ask with confusion, and to also avoid answering his question.
“As long as we don’t use it as a crutch. For some people, support systems can be like medication and they rely on them too much. The support system won’t always be there. Or be there in the exact moment when you need them. We have to learn how to handle tough situations on our own for those days when we have no other choice.”
“I’ll never be on my own, though,” I point out. “I’ll always have Cal.”
Trace nods and decides to change the subject, not that I mind. “How are things with Julie?”
“Good. She has a job now. So I get to stay at the house with a stupid cat by myself.” I would never say so, but I’d hate life even more if it wasn’t for Marmalade. I never realized how much he keeps me company until I was without Julie and hockey during the day.
“And your anxiety?”
I shrug. “I’m antsy feeling all the time.” I share that I’ve started running with Brayden again, because he threatened me if I didn’t, and the pathetic practicing I do get. The team is about to go on a road trip. The first one I won’t be on. I’ve never been so jealous of Cal as I am right now. The only thing holding me together is the fact that I keep reminding myself I can spend that time with Julie and Julie alone. But it’ll still suck because she’s found her a job, so my days will be spent with Marmalade. “I’ve become a whiner,” I blurt out. “Nothing is good enough, satisfying enough, because I’m not playing. I should be on top of the world right now because I’m finally in a relationship with Julie, but I keep finding shit to bitch about because it’s not enough.”
When did I become an ungrateful asshole?
Without waiting to see what Trace will say, I stand. “I’m done for today.” This is the last place I want to be and he’s not the person I want to discuss this with. Julie is who I need. Not that I can speak with her right now; she’s working.
With the limited bri
ght side I can see, I am glad Jules has a job. She’s been happier since she’s had something to look forward to every day. We all like to have a purpose. She has hers with her job. Plus, she’s trying to fix me. And I say that in the nicest way possible. She doesn’t ask me about my day when she gets home because she knows I’ll only gripe. She helps with whatever is left to do with dinner while telling me about her day. Not once does she mention hockey. She has gotten it in her head that it plays too big a role in my life. As if that’s possible.
She will even get up and leave the room if Cal’s and my conversation lasts too long for her taste. It actually bothers me a bit. She’s always been supportive until now. At least, it kind of feels that way. She was invited out with the women; I’ve never seen her reject someone so fast. Maybe it’s because of how things went at the last get-together.
My mind swirls, obsessing over how to make my two worlds come together cohesively, until Julie gets home. Marmalade stands on my lap. His tail sways and he watches her drop her things on the table by the door, toe out of her shoes, and walk over to me.