“You haven’t started dinner? Shame on you,” she tsks with a smile. Julie sits next to me and Marmalade saunters to her lap, already purring.
“Why didn’t you want to go out with the women when they asked you?”
Julie looks at me, her smile gone. “What?”
“You heard me,” I gently reply. “Is it because of what happened at the party?”
She angles toward me. “Collin, we’ve known each other a long time. During that time, you can count on one hand the number of friends I’ve had. My circle is small, always has been. Your circle is huge. I don’t know what to do with that.”
Oh. Well, that makes sense. She was likely overwhelmed. Julie isn’t the kind of social person who has a ton of friends; I consider myself the same way, but it’s different with hockey and with the team. It just is.
“You’re not mad, are you?” she asks.
“No. I wanted to understand why. Maybe you can make friends with at least one of them, then? You should have someone else here besides me and your new co-workers, Jules.”
She stares at me for a minute before nodding. “I can try.”
I smile, happy to hear it. “Sydney or Raelynn or Deanna would be your best bets. I’d try Deanna first.”
Julie laughs. “Help me remember who they are, Collin. Of course I know Deanna.”
“Sydney was the one who you met while you were on the porch at the party; Raelynn dates EJ. She used to be his nanny.”
The only one I can’t really match the name to her face is Raelynn. “Set me up on a playdate with whomever you’d like, Collin.”
I grin. “Thank you.” I give her a quick kiss. “And I know I’ve moped around lately; I don’t want to do that anymore.”
“You’re going through a tough time; it’s understandable.”
“I know, but I could handle it a little better.” I rest my forehead against hers. “You going to keep me in check?”
“Haven’t I always?”
With the team on an away trip, my anxiety takes another nosedive. My phone stays glued to my hand. Articles about the team are almost always up and ready for me to devour. The team has gained some stride; doing well right now. Is that because I’m not with them? Was I what was causing our team to fail? Thinking like this isn’t doing me any good, I know, but there is nothing else for me to do.
This doesn’t even touch on the few writers who still talk about me. Where am I? How long will I be out exactly? A new fire has been lit because I was spotted on the ice two days ago by someone. All I wanted to do was get some ice time in. Someone had to ruin it by saying that there appeared to be nothing wrong with me at all, which brings into question whether the team is being honest with the media. It’s a bunch of bullshit.
We do share one question in common, though: when will Collin Kessy be back on the ice? I ask my stupid sports psychologist at our next session. His answer pisses me off. “When you’re ready.”
“I’m ready now,” I tell him.
He shakes his head and asks me once again how I feel about having hardships with hockey when Cal isn’t having any trouble. I might be the one with problems, but he’s the psycho. He tells me flat-out that he thinks I compare myself to Cal too much. We’re twins. We’re the same. What’s to compare?
“Another bad day?” Julie asks when she gets home from work later that day.
“Yeah. Now he thinks I compare myself to Cal way too much.”
Julie averts her gaze and showers Marmalade with a tad too much attention. I still wait for her response, but it quickly becomes apparent I won’t get one. “You think that too? Why?” I ask, my voice swirling with hurt and confusion.
Her eyes cut to mine in a heartbeat. “I don’t know if compare is the right word for it.” Julie sighs and drags her feet as she decides to come sit next to me. “You put him on a pedestal.” She makes a face of disgust. “Cal is the one without any problems,” she begins in a mocking tone. “Cal is the good one. Cal is the better one. Why can’t I be like Cal? We’re supposed to be identical, so why aren’t we?” She fakes a gag. “You think he’s better than you and you’re always trying to catch up; you think you can’t live your life without him. That’s a crock of bullshit, Collin, and you’d know that if you’d open your eyes.”
Before I can get a word in, she continues, full of a fire I didn’t know she had in her. “What about when you retire, Collin? Am I supposed to live in the same town as Cal for the rest of my life? What if Cal meets a woman who wants to live in another state than you? Will you guilt trip him into staying nearby? You’re twins and you have a special bond; I understand that, but you are two separate people and at some point, you have to stop wondering why you have a harder life than Cal. Maybe it’s because the powers that be knew you could handle it and he can’t.”
I don’t know what to focus on first, but I find something to say anyway. “You think I handle my anxiety?”
She grabs my hand and squeezes it. “Yes, Collin. And trust me, as frustrated as Cal gets with you, there’s no way he could do it.” Julie takes a deep breath. “Look, I know you two are great on the ice, but you are great by yourself too.” A crooked smile lifts her lips. “Maybe not right now because you’re having a hard time, but aside from that, absolutely.” Believe it or not, I laugh. “I know you don’t like him, but the shrink is right. You compare yourself to your brother too much.”
My two weeks is almost up, but it doesn’t appear as if I’ll be back on the ice any time soon. My head has more issues than I thought.