“Would you put your life in my hands?”
“Yeah...”
“Then why can't you put your heart in my care? You know that I already have it,” I say with a kiss on her shoulder, an idea forming in my head to get her to see that she really does trust me. “You love me, care for me, want me,” another kiss on the crook of her neck, “Sweetness, do I need to show you just how much you love and trust me?”
I kiss right below her ear, a drive-me-crazy spot of hers as she calls them.
“Are you trying to say that by me having sex with you means that I trust you? You've got to be kidding me. Think with your brain, Jake.”
“I'm saying that because you have sex with me means that you trust me. You trust me with one of the most intimate parts of yourself. You trust me to take care of your body and of your wellbeing. Sweetness, you already trust me with your heart.”
Slowly, she turns to face me, a smile taking root on her lips. Instead of bringing herself to me, she pulls me to her. I like this taking charge part of Emily.
Her eyes ignite as she looks at me. “This is what I want you to do, so listen carefully.”
My ears come to attention.
“I want you to show me just how much you love me. Just how much do you trust me? How much do you think I trust you? Show me how much I love you. Push me to my limits. Push me beyond my limits.”
“I know that you trust me. It's time for you to think with your head, missy. We're not done talking here.” My tone turns from light to heavy to tackle one question that has been bothering me since Emily told me everything that happened to her. “You were raped, Sweetness. Many times. How were you able to get over that and have tons of sex with me?”
Emily bites her lip and I know I've hit a chord. She rolls away from me once more and doesn't answer. Just as I'm about to speak, Emily does so.
“That's something you want, right?”
“Not if you don't. Emily, Sweetness, please tell me that you are not sleeping with me because you think you should.”
“I'm tired, love. Can't we just go to sleep?”
“I prefer to talk about this, Emily.”
She ignores me. Huffing my apparent frustration aloud, I lie on my back with my hands behind my head. Silly me. I thought Emily would either start talking or roll over and cuddle with me. I am wrong.
Dead wrong.
While I'm awake almost the entire night, Emily not once rolls over to make contact with my body. That fact alone makes it one sleepless night. When I finally fall asleep, it's a deep slumber. I'm so out of it that when I wake up at one in the afternoon, Emily is gone. The carpeted floor covers up the majority of the noise from my footsteps. I've checked the whole house.
Emily isn't here.
21
Emily
I feel as if all I did was toss and turn all night. I awoke exhausted. The opportunity to leave unnoticed was too great to miss. If there was one thing that I didn't want to discuss ever, it is the relationship between my past 'sex' life and my current. There's no way I am going home, so instead, I head to Charlotte. It's a long drive, but hopefully one that is well worth it.
The entire drive, all I can think about is how I could go to Conrad, but I can't. I'm supposed to run to Jake. Is this what has become of me? Thanks to Jake, can I no longer speak about my problems with other people? The beating of my heart pounds into my chest and head. My knuckles are white against the black steering wheel, and I'm trying so hard not to panic. The monster within who would creep out during presentations, who has been dormant, is coming back to life. It keeps getting bigger and bigger until I'm scared, shaking, and panicked as I turn the car around to head back home.
What if Jake gets upset with the way I feel? I know I shouldn't feel the way I do, but I feel as if I can't help it. I do sleep with Jake because I love him, and I want to. But part of me sleeps with him because I know it's something he wants. It's something I should give him for putting up with me. Jake is not going to like hearing these things. Is the want to make him happy too much to ask for?
I'm sitting in my car, parked on the curb in front of his house. Unfortunately, Jake is outside on the porch steps. My eyes focus on the road before me. It takes everything I have not to look at Jake when he walks around the front of my car and to my window. Bending down, he lightly taps. Suddenly, tears are falling from my eyes, and I open my door to get out. My arms wrap tightly around Jake as I cry into his chest. I'm safely tucked in Jake's embrace, crying and breathing heavily.
Panic mode for sure. I can't catch my breath quick enough. My mind is a whirlwind of emotions and all I want is for Jake to save me. Only, I know that this time, I have to save myself. To do this, I decide to let the panic take over. That has to be the best way for it to go away faster, right?
Negative.
I cry for a good thirty minutes in Jake's arms. Finally, I can feel myself gaining control as I tell myself that Jake will love me no matter what. Before I can change my mind, I let the words blast from my mouth.
“I have sex with you because I know you want it; I want it; you put up with me all the time and get nothing in return; and it's part of the reason you want me. But you have to understand, Jake, I have sex with you because I love you too.”