“But there’s not a chance, Mere!” he fires back. “You’ve regained some strength in your shoulder, but it’s still too weak to deal with what it takes to play professionally. You know this because you’ve been in pain. I’ve seen you rub it and take pain relievers when you don’t think I’m paying attention. It’s time to officially retire.”
“How do you even know I’m skipping?” I ask to avoid thinking about what he said.
“Because I called and talked to the physical therapist when I first noticed you rubbing your shoulder. And let me say that I’m thrilled you chose to hide it and lie about it.”
“What if it was you? What if—” He doesn’t even let me finish.
“If it was time, I’d walk away, and I damn sure wouldn’t lie to my future wife about it.”
Finally, I shut up. He doesn’t know what he’d do, considering he hasn’t faced that kind of decision yet. I’m done talking about it. It’s not his decision to make whether I retire or not. It’s mine. I shouldn’t have lied to him. I knew that the moment I first did and immediately felt guilty about it. But this has to be my decision and I’m not ready to make it.
That’s seriously what it comes down to.
I’m not ready to let my career go. I’m not ready, and the thought of officially making that decision scares me a hell of a lot more than the thought of injuring my shoulder more.
The last thing I want or need is for Noah to start pushing me.
We’re silent the rest of the way home. The first thing I do when we get there is get Leo and take him for a walk. Come Monday, I’m calling my coach and bringing him here. My shoulder is fine. Yeah, it hurts and I’ve noticed some numbness, but if I miss any more time, it’s going to be worse than it already is.
The longer I’m out, the harder it will be to return. I need to do that one last thing before I can accept my fate.
Where all I’m able to do is be an assistant coach or offer private lessons.
How can I give up on what’s been my life’s purpose? On what I gave Noah up to pursue? Our time apart might as well be a waste if this is how my career ends. How do I accept defeat? I just can’t wrap my mind around it. Impulsively, I go ahead and text my coach. It would be a relief that he responds right away if not for the message.
Coach: It’
s been so long, I assumed you were unofficially retired. Updates from your PT in Pittsburgh said it was unlikely you could return. Has something changed?
I sigh as I walk back in the apartment.
“Are you leaving?” Noah asks from the couch. He looks like hell. What happened while I was walking Leo?
“Why would I?” I unhook him from his leash.
“You couldn’t play tennis and be with me last time, so considering I don’t support what you’re doing, I’m assuming you’re going to walk away again. This probably isn’t your ideal place to train anyway.”
All I can do is stare at him. He knew my game plan was to go back. However, I’ve told him that I want to be with him and that I wasn’t ever walking away again. He insists on ignoring that in instances such as these. His question doesn’t deserve an answer. I pick Leo up and storm into the guest bedroom, slamming the door shut behind me.
He has some nerve to ask me that. After all we’ve been through, after everything I’ve told him, he still thinks I’m going to walk away. I’d rather retire than do that!
“It’s a legit question, Mere,” I hear from the other side of the door as I sit on the edge of the bed, petting Leo.
“It’s Meredith, and no, it’s not!”
“Yes, it is,” he opens the door, but doesn’t come in any further. “If you’re going all in on your career again, why wouldn’t I think you’d walk away from me? Especially since I’m telling you I don’t support your decision. I think I have the right to know what I’m facing and what we’re facing. I thought I had you back here with me. There’s a difference between that and long distance. Have you even thought this through? Thought about what it may to do us? To your shoulder? Are you just going to quit at the high school, even though you committed to be there for the year? Are you okay with leaving Kira and the other girls you’re helping? Have you planned this?”
“Stop it!” My heart is hammering and I try to focus on Leo. I hate that he’s right; I haven’t planned anything. I’ve been acting impulsively. What am I doing? It feels like I’m back at square one, completely lost and not knowing what to do. I need my anger back, not this all-consuming fear. “Let’s focus on how the first thing you asked me was if I was leaving.” Even that has to be better than my career ending.
“I’m sorry. I was still pissed about you lying to me.”
I sigh and softly ask, “Can we not talk about this tonight?” It’s been a long day and even longer night. I’m tired. My future looks unsettled again, and I don’t want to think about it anymore.
Noah comes over, gets down on his knees, and places Leo on the floor before taking my hands. “I love you, Mere. I just got you back, and trust me, I don’t want to argue about this with you. But the conversation needs to happen. We’re supposed to get married next August; why are you lying to me?”
Stupid tears leak from my eyes. “Because I knew you wouldn’t approve, and I wanted to see for myself.”
“The only reason I don’t approve is because you aren’t taking care of yourself by doing it. That’s it. If you could, I would completely support you, but you can’t, Mere,” he finishes quietly.