“I’m not ready,” I whisper.
“No one ever is.”
“I just want to make sure I don’t have any regrets.”
“I get that, I do,” he says as he comes to sit next to me.
“But?” I begrudgingly ask.
“You shouldn’t have any regrets, Mere. You’ve tried your best. You’ve tried to tough it out. You’ve bided your time and hoped your shoulder would heal enough so you can play. You’ve done everything you possibly can. It’s time to start focusing on the next step of your life.”
He’s right. I hate it, but he’s right. Hopefully, it’ll be as easy as he makes it sound.
MEREDITH HAS BEEN understandably mopey now that it’s finally hit her that her career has ended. She even skipped my game tonight to babysit Scotty’s twins in hopes that it will cheer her up. Based on finding her cuddled on the couch with Leo, I’m guessing it didn’t help at all.
“Scoot,” I demand. She moves forward just enough for me to lie down behind her. “Your life isn’t over, you know.”
“Shut the hell up, Noah,” she halfheartedly tells me.
“Well, talk to me. Tell me what you’re thinking. Or, I can tell you what I’m thinking.”
She takes a deep breath, quiet for a moment as she gathers her thoughts. “I just...I keep thinking about how I gave you up for such a short career. My entire life, all of my decisions, were for this one thing, and it’s gone. Just like that. What am I supposed to do with that?” Meredith rolls over to face me. “Put yourself in my shoes, Noah. What if you had to retire tomorrow without any notice?”
“I’m not saying that it’s not hard, I know it is and that it will be, even if it was planned. It’s going to suck whether I know it’s coming or not. My point has been that you should try to focus on the positive things that come with not having it anymore. You get to spend more time with me. Your schedule is practically wide open. You can go see your parents whenever you want. You had a great career; it was nearly all highs. You’ve found something else that you are enjoying, and I’ve already told you that I think you should offer private lessons. There is a life after tennis. You can make it as fulfilling and worthwhile as you want.”
Meredith nods in agreement. “There was just so much more I wanted to accomplish,” she whispers.
“I know,” I reply as quietly.
“You’ll build new dreams with me?”
I fake a scoff. “Are you kidding me? You don’t even have to ask, Mere. Did I or did I not tell you what our future looked like? Those are our foundation dreams, just the beginning. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Me either.” She’s distracted by Leo as he wiggles closer to our faces. Those green eyes have that spark I missed so much when her gaze settles on mine. “You know that, right? I feel like you’re holding your breath for something to happen that’s going to cause me to turn and walk away again. I’m not going to do that. Promise. I even...I’m even kinda glad that it’s gotten through to me that my pro career is over because it won’t take me away from you. You don’t trust me yet considering what happened yesterday. I’ve given you all my secrets, Noah. I’m still right here. What’s it going to take?”
She’s right. I still worry about her leaving somewhat. “Are you going to be pissed if I tell you that I feel better knowing you’re retired? You walked away for your career and with that being gone, your new adventures aren’t going to lead you away from me like tennis did. That’s why I was an ass to you last night. It was a panic-induced reaction mixed with a flashback.” I squeeze her hip. “I can’t lose you twice, Mere.”
“You won’t.” I search her gaze and find that I believe her. She leans in, kisses me once, and smiles. “I love you.”
“Love you more.”
I have the day off before we leave tomorrow for an away game Tuesday in New York. “What are you doing?” I ask, taking a seat next to her on the couch. She has a pen and paper in her lap.
“Well, my career is over, and who knows how long I’ll be working with Erica, so I decided to make a list of questions I need to answer if I’m going to do private lessons.”
“What kind of questions?”
“Like where will the lessons be held? When am I going to have time that will work for me and the other person? How should it be advertised? Will I have an assistant for the days my shoulder is bothering me? What age groups do I want? Do I want one-on-one or groups or both? Tons of stuff.”
“Think you’ll be happy with that?”
She takes a deep breath. “Yeah. I do love what I do, so I think that can make me happy, too. Honestly, I haven’t missed playing too much. I’ve just felt lost without it.”
“Have you decided how you’ll formally announce your retirement?”
“No. Can I not and fade into the background? If I announce, I’ll probably cry, and who wants that?”
“Definitely not me.”