And was it possible to have a holiday fling without feelings being involved? Because she was self-aware enough to know that she was vulnerable right now, being at a personal crossroads. And the last thing she needed was to be hurt because she’d set up expectations that could never be met.
She’d expected her ex to be supportive, after all. And he wa
sn’t. He hadn’t cared about her dreams. His definition of love had meant having the right sort of wife on his arm for his own ambitions. What did she expect out of Eric? Anything?
He looked over and met her gaze, and the moment held longer than was polite. Recognition and heat flashed in his eyes, and Molly’s cheeks flushed though she didn’t break eye contact. The near kiss in the hot tub had been so close that she’d almost felt his lips against hers. What would it be like to actually be touched by him? To be kissed for real and held in his arms?
He lifted an eyebrow and she couldn’t help it; her lips twitched in a saucy curve. Lord, she loved how he challenged her. She was braver when he was around, and she liked that about herself.
Shortly after that they were back in their kayaks and heading south again, toward base camp. Little islands dotted the strait, and the guides took them on a slightly different route. Paddling was a little more effortless, and Molly started enjoying the ride. They were only half a kilometer from camp when a shout went up and a ripple of excitement raced through the group.
A pod of orcas, their dorsal fins straight and black, broke the surface, maybe a hundred and fifty meters away.
Restrictions prevented the group from getting any closer. It didn’t, however, prevent the killer whales from coming closer on their own. The tour group stayed close to the shoreline of the little island, and before long the whales were only about fifty meters away, curving through the surface, black-and-white and startlingly large. The closer they got, the more excited and anxious Molly became.
One particularly active one broke the surface and there was a loud sound as water and air rushed out of its blowhole. Behind it, three more surfaced, coming ever closer.
This was exciting, but from a distance. Molly’s fear of a whale getting too close to her little kayak took hold again, and her hands trembled on her paddle. She put the blade in the water and tried to move to the inside of the group, but the waves were lapping around the fiberglass and she was too inexperienced to maneuver well. She froze when she could see the white circle on the head of the lead whale, the height of the dorsal fin so large this close-up. It went under the water again and she imagined it heading straight for them, beneath their kayaks. What would happen if it tried to surface and they were in the way?
She stuck her paddle in the water and pushed, but had the blade the wrong way and only succeeded in turning herself sideways. Then when she leaned forward to compensate, she felt the boat shift. Once more she threw her weight to the side, and that was when it happened. Over she went, under the water, her feet in the cockpit of the kayak, the skirting tucked around her and the image of a three-ton mammal passing below her lodged in her brain.
She began to flail, but the boat didn’t right itself.
It was hard to hold her breath when panic filled her chest. If she couldn’t get flipped back over, she would open her mouth and take in water and drown. Or she’d get bumped by the whale and injured and—OMG, OMG, OMG...
Suddenly she was pulled out of the water, the kayak righted, and Shawn had a firm grip on her life jacket. “Breathe,” he commanded. “You’re okay.”
But she wasn’t. Inside she was falling apart.
Everyone was looking at her and she couldn’t even put on a mask to show she was all right. She shook all over. She was wet and her legs were stiff and she couldn’t breathe.
Shawn still held her jacket. “I’ve got you. You’re okay. Bend forward and breathe as deeply as you can. You’re okay.”
She hadn’t had a panic attack since eighth grade, but the feeling was familiar and terrifying. Gray spots floated in front of her eyes as she tried and failed to slow her breath, and the muscles in her legs twitched but wouldn’t release. She was right-side up but she could still picture the whale going under and where was it now and...
“Slow, deep breaths. You’re fine. We’re all fine. Nothing is going to happen now. Just take your time, listen to my voice and know that it’s going to be all right.”
Eric’s deep voice came from beside her, and two tears slid down her cheeks. She still had her head down, so she knew he couldn’t see them, but her relief at hearing his voice was profound.
“Where did they go?”
He knew exactly what she meant. “They’re out farther now. You’re okay. Everyone’s okay.” He reached for one of her hands and settled it between his. “Keep breathing.”
The touch of his fingers on her hand was a lifeline. She didn’t know where Shawn had gone but that was okay. Slowly her breathing eased and the cramp in her lungs abated. The gray spots disappeared from her vision and she lifted her head, feeling fragile but no longer like she was going to pass out.
And embarrassed. So very embarrassed.
“There you are,” he said quietly. “Better?”
She nodded. “Feel stupid.”
He smiled softly and shrugged. “No one’s perfect.”
But she was supposed to be. Since she was five, she’d followed instructions. Done what was expected. Then these things didn’t happen. Even as she thought it, she realized how impossible it sounded. Real life wasn’t like that.
“After years of thinking I had to be, it’s a tough adjustment,” she replied, wishing she could get her legs out of the cockpit and massage the muscles that had cramped.
It was only then that she realized Shawn was still beside them. “Molly, we can pull in and switch some pairings around so you’re in a double for the rest of the way back to camp. You might be more comfortable with that.”