She might take offense if the situation were different, but they both knew she was not a girlfriend. She wasn’t sure what she was to him anymore. Not yet a lover, not just an employee, more than a friend.
They exited into the warm night, into fresh air and the scent of the roses that flanked the walkway. “It’s more than that, isn’t it?”
He let go of her hand. “What do you mean?”
Emily paused, letting Luke carry on for a few steps until he turned as if he was wondering why she wasn’t keeping up with him anymore.
“I mean, you keep people at arm’s length. Oh, now and again something comes through—like seeing you with your sisters, or when you held Sam during the storm, or tonight, with your father. But the rest of the time…” She paused, searching for the right words. “You’re a fortress. And you’re the gatekeeper, too. You decide who is allowed in, and you only show bits of yourself when you want.”
He stared at her as if she’d slapped him.
“You don’t know anything about it.”
“Because you haven’t told me.”
He scoffed, turning away. “Like you’ve told me everything?”
What more was there to tell? She shrugged her shoulders. “I told you that Rob left us. I told you why and what’s happened since. What more do you want? Because if I tell you that his leaving destroyed my confidence, made me question every single thing about myself, whether I was a good wife or mother, what are you going to do, Luke?” His face paled and he took a step backwards. She kept her voice calm, rational. “That’s it exactly. You’re going to close yourself off and run away. Because you don’t let anyone get close. Even when they really, really want to be.”
She wanted to reach him desperately. He was right, she hadn’t told him everything, but she also hadn’t felt she needed to. He seemed to understand anyway, and now she’d gotten defensive and attacked him on a night when he was already dealing with so much. “Please,” she whispered, and heard her voice catch. “I don’t want to argue. I want to help. Please let me in.”
“I can’t,” he murmured, turning away.
“Is it really that bad?”
“Please, Emily.” He begged her now. “Can we not do this right now?” His voice cracked on the last word. “That small, frail man in there is the last parental connection I have. He doesn’t even recognize me. Do you know what I could give for one more moment of clarity, one more real conversation? To have him look at me and say my name? His organs are shutting down. My father is going to die. Maybe not tonight. Or tomorrow, or next week. But soon.”
He put his hand on the car-door handle and sent her a look so full of pain that it hit her like a slap. He opened the door and shot out a parting stab: “What does it say about me that I’m relieved?”
Emily had broken through. Luke had opened up. But now she only felt despair, knowing she’d only ended up causing him more pain.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
THE CAR RIDE home was interminable. Luke kept his hands on the wheel and his mouth shut. What had possessed him to say such a thing in the first place? As they turned on to the service road leading to the ranch, he sighed and thought back over the years to all the visits. All the times that his father had been lucid; Luke and the girls had been hungry for those moments when they had their father again.
Then the more frequent times when his father had been forgetful, repeating himself, focused on one tiny detail about something that happened before Luke had ever been born. Or the times Dad got so frustrated that he lashed out, mostly with hurtful words but sometimes with hands. When that happened, Luke knew that his father would never be the same. He was an angry, hostile stranger. Yet, each time Luke visited there was a tiny bit of hope that it would be a good day. The death of those hopes took their toll on a man. All the things he’d said to Em he’d never breathed to another soul. It was her. She got to him with her gentle ways and yes, even with her strength. She had no idea how strong she was.
And she had no idea how much he loved her for it. Nor would she, ever.
Luke parked the car and got out. He got as far as the steps and stopped. He couldn’t go in there. Not tonight.
“Are you hungry? Did you even eat since breakfast?” Emily’s voice was quiet at his shoulder but he shook his head. He wasn’t hungry. He was just…numb. He wanted to grab on to her and hold on and knew he couldn’t. Not just for him, but for her. The way she turned those liquid eyes up at him damn near tore him apart. She’d kissed him back, making him want things he had decided he could never have. She made herself invaluable in a thousand different ways and each one scored his heart.
He shook his head but still couldn’t make himself climb the steps.
“Luke?” The quaver in her voice registered and he turned to look at her. Her big eyes were luminous with tears…for him? The weight of carrying everyone’s emotions suddenly got heavier.
“You’re scaring me,” she whispered.
He had to snap out of it.
“I’m sorry, Em. I just…can’t go inside. I don’t know why.” But he did know. The memories were there. And the fears lived there, too. They lived in the clues he left himself as an early-warning system, in the shadowed corners where he told himself he could never let anyone get too close.
It had worked up until now. Until Emily.
“Then let’s walk. It’s a beautiful night and I don’t need to stay close to the house for Sam. Let’s just walk a while, okay?”
Relieved, he nodded. Walking was good. He pointed north, knowing exactly where he needed to be. Emily took his hand and he let her hold it. The link made him feel stronger. Grounded him in a world spinning out of control.