Beneath the Badge (First Responders 4)

“No. Well, yes, but not necessarily in the way you think.”

“What other way is there?”

She put down the plate. “What ever happened to Helen, Matt?”

He met her gaze, the coffee cup forgotten in his hand. “She died.” His voice caught on the last syllable. “I got there too late.”

“And the case?”

“It goes to trial next month.”

“I see.”

“Is that what this is about, Lindsay? The danger of my job? The dark side of what I do? It’s a lot for someone to handle. I get that.”

She could take the easy way out and just say yes. But it wasn’t as simple as the danger or so-called dark side. “It’s not really that. I mean it is, but not in the way that you mean. I’m glad you do what you do. It’s important and it’s got to be very, very difficult.”

“Then what is it?”

She went to him, her throat tightening with the words she knew she had to say. “It’s what it does to you in here,” she whispered, putting her hand over his heart. “It’s the damage it causes. A man like you needs a woman who can make it better at the end of the day, who can put the pieces of you back together so you can go out there again. And that woman isn’t me, Matt. I don’t have it in me.”

“You already make it better at the end of my day,” he said, trying out a cheeky grin. It was meant to lighten the mood but it fell flat, because she was absolutely serious and he needed to see that.

“Eventually it would have to be about more than stopping by after work for a therapy session. You’re high-maintenance, Matt. I’m not up for it. It takes an emotional energy I just don’t have. It would probably be better if we just end it right now before we really get started.”

For a moment, she thought he actually looked hurt by her pronouncement. Then he covered it with a mask of indifference. “With all you do in your line of work, the time you donate, the causes you believe in…I never for one minute thought you were a coward. Until now.”

She nodded vigorously. “That’s right. I admit it one hundred percent. I’m a coward. I’ve been there, Matt. I’ve tried my best to be all the king’s horses and men, you know? But sometimes you just can’t put all the pieces back together. And trying over and over again is exhausting.”

He stepped forward and put his hand along her cheek. “Who?” he asked quietly. “Who broke your heart, Linds? Who took away your faith in yourself?”

She pulled away from him. “I have faith in myself. I just know my limitations.”

She threw the toast on a separate plate. It was cold now and the thought of eating made her stomach turn curiously.

“Your limitations?” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “No one’s asking you to solve the problems of the world, you know.”

“The only problems I solve are my own. That’s a choice I made long ago. If you’re expecting more from me than that, you’re going to be disappointed.”

He cocked his head to one side, examining her. She squirmed beneath his intense gaze but made herself stand her ground. She didn’t know how to make things better for him. And she didn’t want to try and then fail.

“Someone along the way made you feel it was your job to make everything right. If it wasn’t a boyfriend, who was it? Your mother? Girls always have problems with their mothers.”

Resentment that he’d try to analyze her burned through her veins. “You’re way off. My mother died when I was eight. I barely remember her.”

Now that was a bald-faced lie. Of course she remembered her. The soft, sweet-smelling hair, the expressive eyes, the faraway look she got so often. She understood that look now. Understood it and hated it.

“I’m sorry. What happened?”

She flattened her expression. “She ate oxy lik

e it was a pack of Tic Tacs.” It had been Lindsay who had found the empty bottle. Who had given it to her father, too young to understand what the bottle meant.

“Jesus, Lindsay.” He pulled his hands out of his pockets. “That’s terrible.”

“It is what it is.”

“Is that what all this…guilt is about?”