Beneath the Badge (First Responders 4)

“Guilt? I don’t have any guilt.” Though she suspected she did. That there must have been something she could have done to change the course of things. The logical side of her knew that it was too much to ask of a child. But there was another side of her that would always wonder what might have made a difference.

“So you’re just going to let this go? Because I happen to think we have a good thing here. That it’s worth exploring.”

“You don’t understand.” She looked up at him, tempted to forget about everything that nagged at her, longing to just let go and be with him and screw her misgivings.

But some hurts just ran too deep. It was already hurting to end this before it really started. How much worse would it be if she really started to care about him? If she…

No. She couldn’t even contemplate the word love.

“My mom dying wasn’t the worst of it, Matt. My dad raised me. To the outside eye it looked okay. I got a lot of sympathy because I was motherless. But my dad…everyone thought he was so great. It looked like it in public. He was smart and handsome and always smiling.”

“He wasn’t as great as he seemed?”

“I love my dad, I do. But I spent most of my formative years trying to please him. He suffers from horrible depression and after Mom died it was worse. I grew up beneath that dark cloud and I also tried over and over to be the wind that blew it away. It was up to me to make things right. If I wanted Christmas I had to decorate for it. If I wanted a party with my friends, I had to do all the planning. Dinners at home, even smiles…they were all conditional. I thought getting good marks would make him happy, so I made straight As. Then I wondered if I screwed up if it would make a difference—if I’d get more attention. So I broke curfew. Came home drunk one night in my last year of high school. Anything to get him to engage…”

“I’m sorry,” Matt murmured.

“Not your fault,” she said flatly. “I learned that when I did things his way, it was okay. It was bearable. When I didn’t, it was like the air in the house weighed a million pounds and all of it was squeezing the life out of me. He was too damaged for me to fix but it didn’t stop me from trying. Until he finally just gave up on me and told me so.”

“Gave up on you?” His eyebrows pulled together. “How could he give up on you? Look at you. You’re smart, beautiful. You’re a veterinarian for God’s sake. You run your own business, you donate your time to causes…”

“My dad’s a scholar. He wanted a real doctor. A surgeon or oncologist or something with some prestige. This was a waste of my time, apparently. But it was what I wanted, and for the first time ever, I put my foot down. Hard. And I didn’t budge.” Her last visit—the Sunday Matt had come looking for her—had been much the same as all the others. There was still time to get her medical degree. She could sell her rat trap of a house and buy something newer and flashier. To her father, things and appearances were all that mattered.

“I still don’t see what this has to do with you and me,” he insisted.

She sighed. “You’re damaged goods, Matt, and you always will be. You’ve done things and seen things that have changed you. You beat things to try to exorcise your demons and have nightmares when you can’t. I just don’t have it in me to sign up for that. I can’t go through my life trying to make things better for other people. It might make me selfish, and I can live with that. I’d rather be honest with you from the beginning. I’m just not up for it, okay?”

Silence blanketed the kitchen for a moment. Then, softer than she’d ever heard his voice before, Matt spoke. “The animals…they accept you for who you are. They don’t expect perfection from you. They don’t pressure you to fix them. They’re just grateful, right? And their affection isn’t conditional.”

His words reached in and touched her so deeply that she didn’t quite know what to do. It was exactly why she loved her job. Why she never regretted for a moment making the choice she had. There was a love between people and their pets that was pure with no room for baggage or agenda. There was a unique ability for humans and animals to heal each other, far more than she’d ever witnessed between people.

“Yes,” she confessed. “It’s simple and honest.”

He smiled sadly. “People tend to complicate things, don’t they?”

The backs of her eyes stung. “I know I sound like a terrible person. There are times I wish I was different.”

“You’re not terrible. We’re all shaped by our lives that came before. I know I am, so how can I blame you for the same?”

She looked down at her toes. She hadn’t expected him to understand.

“I’d better get going,” he said. “You probably have to get ready for work.”

“I do.”

He came over to her then, put his hands on her arms. “Look at me,” he commanded. She obeyed and looked up into his eyes. “Something changed between us last night. We might as well admit it. And if you’re not up for taking it any further, I appreciate your honesty. It’s not easy being with a cop at the best of times. With what you went through, I get it, Linds. I’m disappointed, but I get it.”

She wished he wouldn’t be so nice. If he stormed out of here it’d be easier to dislike him. Or forget. She was pushing him away but he was giving up pretty easily. Like it was no big deal. Not that she wanted to hurt him, but it might be nice to know she wasn’t quite so easy to walk away from.

She followed him to the door and held it as he stepped out onto the step. “Matt?”

He turned back to face her and she felt the first stirrings of regret. “Look, I’ve never told anyone that stuff, so I’d appreciate it if…”

He gave a short nod. “No worries. And if you’d do likewise…”

“Of course.”

Calling it off but keepers of each other’s secrets. Wasn’t that a kick in the pants.