Beneath the Badge (First Responders 4)

Instead, the only thought running through his brain over and over was how he didn’t want to be the one to find her.

He’d lost his edge. And he wasn’t sure he could get it back, or if he even wanted to.

Lindsay had two appointments left in the day when the news rolled through town on a shockwave. The body of Miranda Jones had been found just east of the lake where they’d been searching for the past three days.

She didn’t know if search-and-rescue Jan had been staying at Matt’s all that time. She didn’t want to know. She’d felt like a fool walking in there the other night. After all, she’d been the one to break things off. He was free to do whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted.

It didn’t stop the sting of jealousy or the embarrassment though. Especially when she’d been mistaken for the delivery girl.

But those feelings were just the tip of the iceberg, because when she’d returned home licking her wounds, she’d realized something really important. For all her talk of not wanting to involve herself in Matt’s drama, for wanting to extricate herself from his damaged soul…it was all a bunch of hooey. At the first sign of trouble, the first inkling that he might be dealing with something difficult, she’d reacted by trying to help. By inserting herself into his life the way she’d insisted she never could.

She should just stay away. Not get sucked into the drama…

It was not up to her to fix Matt Parker. Not her job to kiss his wounds and make everything better. Except…

Except now she knew. She knew at least part of what he’d been through and she was certain he’d spared her loads of details. And knowing what she did, she also knew that finding that young woman’s body would bring back a lot of horrible memories for him. If a few mistreated dogs made him take out his anger on a heavy bag, the death of a young woman was sure to send him toppling over the edge. Someone should be there to catch him.

In between patients she zipped to the back office and dialled her cell. When Ally Jackson answered, she didn’t waste any time. “Ally, it’s Lindsay. I take it you’ve heard?”

Ally’s voice was shaking. “Chris called about twenty minutes ago. They’re shutting down the base for the search crews and then he’s on his way home. It’s up to the police now.”

“Did he happen to give any details?”

“Um…”

She understood Ally’s hesitation, that this was an ongoing investigation and certain details couldn’t be released. “Not about what happened. Just…do you know who found her?”

Ally let out a breath. “Yeah. Chris said word came down that Matt Parker found her just after lunchtime. I suppose he’ll still be out there with a team, processing the scene.”

Oh God. Why couldn’t it have been someone else? This had to be Matt’s worst nightmare. She thought about how he’d called out in his dreams, how he’d confessed to not saving Helen in time. She didn’t want him to be alone.

“Thanks, Ally,” she managed. “I gotta go.”

Her hands were shaking when she hung up the phone, and she stood, a bit numbly, in the center of the room for a few minutes, simply wondering what to do next. She had appointments to finish. And who knew when Matt would be free to go home? She had to pull herself together. First things first. She’d finish out her afternoon and then she’d go by his place. If he wasn’t home, she’d try the detachment. And go from there. One thing she knew for sure. Matt had to be taking this hard. And she would be there for him.

She’d been waiting in the visitor parking area for nearly an hour when the door opened and Matt walked out. He was in full uniform, the visor of his cap pulled low over his forehead, shading his eyes. He was headed to where his car was parked when she opened her car door and stood, half-in and half-out.

He must have seen the movement because he stopped and glanced her way.

He was close enough that she could see his face. For the briefest of flashes there was naked agony etched on his features, but then he shuttered it away. She deserved that. She was the one who said she didn’t want to get involved in his problems. Who didn’t want messy emotions.

“Matt,” she called softly. She got the rest of the way out of the car and left the door open as she started walking to him. Tears burned behind her eyelids. He looked so tired. So beaten. His throat bobbed as he swallowed and nerves tightened in her belly. This was not simple or easy or neat. It was ugly and messy and she had to fight against the urge to turn and run the other way. The only thing that kept her walking was knowing how much he was hurting. And knowing that she needed him to hold her too.

He took a few halting steps in her direction. Without pausing, she met him on the paved driveway, put her arms around his neck and held him close.

She could feel his vest and trauma plate beneath his shirt. Felt the hard edge of the leather holster for his gun as well as whatever else he kept on his belt. She wished she could get to the man beneath the uniform, the reassurance of warm skin and the beat of his heart against her cheek. But when he put his arms around her the armor and equipment ceased to matter. He held her as close as he could, and she felt his hands tremble as one spread across her back and the other slid up under the hair at her neck.

“I’m so, so sorry,” she whispered. “Oh, Matt.”

He inhaled, his breath shaking. “God, you’re an answer to a prayer today, you know that?”

She tightened her arms. “When I heard I knew I had to find you. Today had to be so hard. Are you okay?”

“Not really.” He gave a quick squeeze and then let her go. “We’re in the middle of the parking lot. Can we get out of here?”

“Of course we can. Do you want to go back to my place?”

His eyes met hers. “Do you have whiskey?”