Looking for You (Oh Captain, My Captain 1)

There is one thing I can do right now and that is to make sure that Ellie doesn’t lose her job because of me. With a little time to spare before the event gets started, I find her boss. He even looks like an ass.

“Excuse me, Mr. Martin. Could I speak with you for a second?”

“Of course.” He follows me out into the hallway, muttering about how he wonders where his employee is.

“I need to talk to you about Ms. Sullivan.”

“You know where she disappeared to?” He asks.

“Yes, something very important caused her to go home early.”

“I’ll be damned,” he says under his breath, running a hand over his balding head.

“Please, whatever you do don’t fire her. She couldn’t help it and you’ve said yourself that she’s your best employee. I’m asking, begging you not to fire her.”

Jeffrey scrutinizes me and my pleading face for a second before he says anything.

“Please,” I add.

“Since it’s coming from you, I’ll take it into consideration.”

All I can do is hope that I didn’t cost Ellie her job. Underneath the smiling hockey player, trying to raise money for a children’s hospital, I’m an antsy man waiting to run out of here to fix this mess. If I can even fix it. Ellie said herself that she hates me. I deceived her, I deserve her hate and her anger, but she didn’t deserve to be hurt. Why didn’t I just grab her shoulders, tell her to shut up for a minute and listen and then tell her?

Because I’m a fucking idiot who procrastinates.

I’m supposed to see her tomorrow, doubt I will now, and then I’ll be back on the road for hockey. The longer I don’t see or hear from her, the worse it’s going to get, I’m sure of that. My mother said that eventually it’ll work out. Eventually. I hate that word almost as much as I hate myself right now. It’s late when I leave the fundraiser and I reluctantly decide to leave Ellie be for tonight. I’ll be at her house first thing in the morning though.

~

My coffee sucks, not helping at all considering that I barely slept last night. I tossed and turned the whole time. Ellie’s hurt expression permanently glued behind my eyelids, so I saw it every time I closed my eyes. Traffic is horrible and my mood makes it worse. I just want to see Ellie. That’s all. I don’t want to deal with bad coffee or traffic. Finally, I make it to her house. My heart rate increases with both nerves and a bit of excitement that I’m about to see her. I get out of my truck, walk up the steps, and knock on her door.

“What are you doing here?” She asks exasperated when she sees that it’s me.

I shove my hands into my pockets. “We need to talk. Please, Ellie.”

She stares at me for a moment. “Two minutes. Starting now.”

“It’s not an excuse, but I’ve been trying to tell you. I was going to tell you on the trail that day and you told me that you didn’t like pro athletes. I was going to tell you the day you thought I was married. Then I decided that no matter what, I would tell you today and you ended up finding out last night.” For some reason, I feel like if she knows that I’ve been wanting to tell her, it’ll make it a little better. Not really, but it’s worth a shot.

“So, you didn’t think that telling me that you’re an NHL player and a multimillionaire was important? We were together more times than those couple of times you’re talking about, Hudson. Why did you lie to me?” Her voice breaks, ripping my heart straight from my chest.

“I only kept it from you because I was tired of being that person to women. You didn’t know and that meant you weren’t going to think of me as a captain or as a ‘multimillionaire’ or anything other than me. Hudson. I craved normalcy and because you didn’t know, you treated me as such. Can you honestly say you would have taken my number if I had of told you that day?” I’m almost positive that she wouldn’t have.

“Hudson, that day at Jim’s I liked you. I’ve liked you every moment since, up until last night. I don’t care about your money or your status. I fell in love with guy who didn’t push me into sex every moment he was around. I fell in love with the guy who watched Harry Potter movies with me. I fell in love with a guy who liked me for me.” She pauses and then adds, with sad eyes, “But I don’t know that guy anymore.”

“Yes, you do.” She has to know that. “I’m still that guy. I’ve always been that guy. Now, you know all of me instead of parts of me. I shouldn’t have hid that from you, I know. It just continually got harder to tell you, but our date today? I was going to show you one of the most passionate parts of myself, the hockey piece of my life. I wanted to share that with you and I’m sorry I didn’t do that from the start.”

“I should have known this from the first date. Do you know what I did last night after I ripped that fucking dress off? I Googled my boyfriend and found out everything about him. Everything that I had no damn idea existed. Only to find out that my best friend knew more than I did. And to find out that I am nothing but some naïve hick from Idaho. What did you do last night, Hudson? Mingle with the fancy, big city people?” She went from almost crying to glaring at me, radiating with anger.

“What did your web search tell you aside from the details of my job?” That was the only thing she didn’t know. “Ellie, I’m still me and I spent last night wishing I was already here with you. A beautiful, hardworking girl who thinks I’m overpaid, a girl who blushes and has takeout more often than cooking. A girl who likes a quiet evening on the porch and who wants to go to Paris because it’s the ‘City of Love’. Ellie, I love that girl and I was scared to let you see the hockey part of my life. Hockey isn’t anything like that at all, but it’s a piece of who I am. I’m so sorry.” So unbelievably sorry.

“Do you know why I think that about pro athletes? Because you don’t care about the outcome. If hockey is this great passion of yours, then why wasn’t I a part of it? Didn’t you care enough to share that with me?” I care so much, but I’m an idiot. Ellie keeps talking. “And yes, I’m all those things you say, but I’m also an adult. You should have let me make the decision to stay with Hudson, the hockey player, or Hudson, the regular guy. Instead, I was embarrassed in front of my boss, humiliated by my best friend, and the one person I ever trusted enough in my bed, lied to me and broke my heart.” Ellie’s hand grips the door tighter and I

know she won’t listen to me much longer.

“Let me show you then. Let me make you a part of it like I was going to do today. Please,” I beg. I’d do anything she wanted me to do to get her back. Absolutely anything.

A steel resolve overcomes her instantly. She’s done talking to me and listening to my pathetic apologies. “Your two minutes are up, Hudson. Good luck in the playoffs, and I hope that you find what you’re looking for. I really do.”