Tainted (Oh Captain, My Captain 7)

“I’m not a big movie buff, but I love 80’s and 90’s sitcoms. Friends, Seinfeld, Full House, Family Matters, all that crazy shit. I like to laugh and pretend those lives and the people are real. Well, as real as real can be.” I try not swallow the chicken whole and chew more slowly.

“I only seen one of those and it was for like ten minutes. I saw some of Friends.”

“I lived in a lot of foster homes as a kid when my mom was in and out of jail; those silly shows helped a lot. So, if I can afford cable for a month, I try to binge on them as much as possible. You should watch them. They might even help with your English,” I tease him about his choppy English, but it’s not horribly bad.

“What’s wrong with my English?” He sounds hurt, but the twitch of his lips show he’s trying to hide a smile. “It’s a lot better than it used to be, you know. Took a lot of work to get to this point and now you tell me there’s still something wrong with it?”

“Yep, I am. I mean, I can understand you, but I bet a little bit of 90’s slang will sound hilarious with your accent.” I laugh because I can only imagine how funny that would be.

He smiles. “Give me a few examples, and we’ll test it out.”

I think for a moment, but I already know which one I’m going to use. “Joey, from Friends, would pick up girls by saying ‘How you doin’?’ Try that.” I

put down my utensils and try to stop the laughter that’s already building up in me.

Valo laughs with me. “I can already tell you it’ll sound hilarious, but for you, I’ll say it anyway.” He takes a deep breath to compose himself and gives me a serious look before saying, “How you doin’?”

I lose it. I burst into the loudest laugh I think I’ve ever had. I cover my mouth and grab my side. I almost fall out of my chair, and the people at the next table stare at me as if I’m the Mad Hatter at a tea party. I can’t stop laughing as the tears roll down my cheeks.

“Please, for the love of God, please don’t ever do that again. I think I cracked a rib.” I wipe the tears and sniff. I try to act normal again, but it’s hard. “That’s the greatest thing I think I ever heard. Thank you, Valo. I really, really needed that.”

“Any time. Glad my accent can do more that make girls pick on my English.” He is still smiling at me.

“I’m not making fun of you, Valo. I swear, but that’s priceless. I mean, I need to record that one day. I’d make millions on YouTube.” I’m cracking myself up.

“It could make millions. I’d say it again, but you might fall out of your chair. I think that means I can officially call our date a success.”

“Success? I haven’t given you a hand job, blowjob, or fucked you yet. Wouldn’t that mean it’s a success?” I tilt my head. We haven’t touched yet. Well, only when he took my arm.

Valo begins to choke on his wine. He’s coughing loudly and tries to regulate his breathing. “That’s not how I define a successful date.”

“Oh, well, then what do you want? I mean, you bought me dinner, and really expensive wine. So…” I stare at him, waiting for him to tell me what he wants. Oh shit, maybe he’s one of those kinky guys. Ugh! I hope not.

“All I wanted was your time over dinner, Jade. I wasn’t expecting anything afterward.”

What?

Did I hear him correctly?

I wait for him to tell me he’s joking or pulling my leg, but he says nothing.

“Wait, you’re serious. You really aren’t expecting anything.” My mouth drops open in shock when I finally figure it out. “I think that’s a first for me.”

He frowns. “Sorry to disappoint. I’ve never really been that kind of person.”

No, I’m sure he isn’t like that at all.

He’s a nice guy.

I give him a tiny smile. “That’s why you’re a good guy, Valo. You’re going to find a very special girl someday and make her a very happy woman.”

Chapter Six

Valo

We’re standing outside the restaurant, and Jade folds her arms over her chest. She refused to let me pick her up, so I’m thinking she’s going to refuse me again, but I’m going to try to change her mind this time.

“Can I drive you home, Jade? The best answer would be yes.” I smile, really hoping she’ll just say yes without putting up a fight.