I followed her to the front door. She opened it but hesitated and then turned to me.
“This is going to sound strange to you, but in a way, I envy your mother for the way she lost her husband. She didn’t have to go through all that I will have to go through out there with my friends, my family. Her husband was out of her life almost instantly. Of course, I realize what that did to the two of you. I’m thinking of it from a purely selfish viewpoint.”
She smiled.
“Try to keep busy, Sasha. Maybe you should return to school tomorrow. It sounds a little heartless for me to say it, but that old adage about getting right back on your bike after you fall off is so true. Lose yourself in normal teenage-girl stuff. Go to dances, flirt, do some frivolous things. Borrow a little of Kiera’s attitude.” She smirked. “At least she is a survivor.”
“But she’s not happy,” I said quickly.
“I know. That girl’s gotten everything she wanted whenever she wanted it. Well, maybe that’s why she’s unhappy. I’ll see you later.”
“What if Donald comes home?” I asked before she closed the door behind her.
“Give him a little of his own treatment. Act as if nothing is wrong. The only satisfaction I have right now is the satisfaction I’ll enjoy when he is taken by complete surprise.”
She smiled again and closed the door behind her.
I stood there feeling more numb than sad or frightened by anything she had told me. It was as if I had run out of emotion, any emotion. When I glanced at myself in one of the wall mirrors, I thought I resembled a prisoner of war who had been so brainwashed she was almost lobotomized. She wouldn’t even realize she had been rescued.
So many new questions occurred to me. How would this divorce really turn out? I couldn’t imagine Donald giving up his estate, despite the fact that he was gone from it so much lately. I knew how proud he was of the house and the beautiful grounds. The Richardson Romanesque architecture had been his choice, not Jordan’s. He had been the one who wanted to build the lake, too. Would their settlement involve Jordan getting a new home? How long would that take to do? Would Kiera refuse to live in any new home with her mother? Would I have to change schools? What would happen to Mrs. Duval and Mrs. Caro? With whom would they go?
This estate, with all of its employees, was such a big responsibility. I couldn’t imagine Jordan wanting to bear it all herself. It was impossible to be uncomfortable here or to be unimpressed with all it had to offer anyone who lived here, but I wouldn’t be particularly devastated about moving away.
What did occur to me was Jordan’s emotional tie to Alena’s room, my room. Would she really be able to leave that behind her? I was sure she would take many of Alena’s things, but I still had the impression that whenever she was in the suite, she was standing in a shrine.
Even without this news, I realized that there were many more cloudy days to come for me. The gloom that had entered with news of Ryder’s death would settle for some time in every nook and corner of this mansion. The silences I had known here would deepen. Shadows would be more secure. Even the sunlight would feel out of place and gladly flee from closed shades and curtains. Neither the size of this estate with all that it offered nor all of its opulence and beauty could stop the winds of melancholy from blowing in and over us all.
Mrs. Duval knew I’d be eating alone. She suggested that I have dinner in the kitchen nook. She and Mrs. Caro would join me if I liked. Of course, I said yes. They were really my family now. I didn’t think they knew what was coming. I would say nothing about it, of course. Sitting with them, I had the first meal I’d enjoyed since Ryder’s death. I listened to them talk about their own youth and some of the silly things they had done. They laughed and made fun of each other. I knew they were doing it mostly for my benefit, but I so enjoyed them.
Afterward, I took a short walk around the grounds. I went to the pool and sat. Commercial jet planes looked as if they were as high as the stars. I imagined that those heading west were heading for Hawaii, Australia, or Asia. People in them were settling down after their dinners, too. Some were watching television or reading. I envied them, so far above the problems of the world below. They were leaving their mundane, everyday life behind and looking forward to some wonderful new adventure. They’d sleep peacefully, dreaming of their arrivals.
Ryder would understand why I was thinking like this. When would I meet someone like him again, someone with whom I knew I could share my most intimate thoughts and feelings? Maybe I never would. Maybe I’d fall into a marriage or a relationship doomed to end the way my mother’s had or the way Jordan’s was going to end.
Sitting there and thinking these thoughts, I realized why it was that Mrs. Caro would never predict anything terribly important for me—or anyone else, for that matter. It wasn’t a blessing to see your future. First, it could be tragic, and second, if it wasn’t, you’d worry about the tomorrows to come that might bring unhappiness, an unhappiness that would be deeper and stronger because it came after so much pleasure. Life, no matter who you were or how much money you had, was never a straight and narrow line in either direction. It was full of ups and downs, smiles and tears, joy and sadness. True, some people had less of one or the other, but no one had only one. Surviving seemed to be the only point to living. It was as true for me as it was for that ant I saw moving with determination over the edge of the pool. Maybe it was lost and was finding its way home.
That’s what we all do, anyway, I thought, try to find our way home.
I sat for quite a while until I saw the glow of a pair of headlights sweep the grounds and turned to see Jordan pull into the garage. Carrying a folder, she went quickly into the house. I rose and headed in myself. I was tired, and I thought I just might take her advice and return to school tomorrow, even though I dreaded what awaited me.
When I entered the house, Jordan was coming back from Donald’s office.
“I was just going up to your room to see how you were,” she said.
“I’m okay. I think I will go to school tomorrow.”
“That’s good, Sasha,” she said, and put her arm around me. “We both have to get stronger and stand by each other now.”
She kissed me on the forehead, holding her lips there a moment or two longer, and then we headed up the stairway in silence. When we paused at my room, I asked her if she knew when Donald would be home, since he still had not returned.
“He left word that he would be back tomorrow, but he would be going to his company office first. It’s not going to be pretty,” she said. “I left the papers in his office here, and with them are the pictures and the details
my detective accumulated. Don’t you worry about it, though. Nothing will change for you,” she promised, kissed me again, and went to her bedroom.
Nothing will change for me?
I was young when my parents’ marriage was coming apart, but the memories of those arguments, the horrid things that were said, the rage my mother felt and showed, all of those images were like sleeping rodents. Once one was nudged, they all woke and scurried through my mind, scratching and clawing at my resistance until each scene was once again vivid enough to make me shudder and cry as hard as I had cried back then. I knew what to expect here. What little laughter there had been in this house lately would surely evaporate.
It was difficult to fall asleep. I listened to every sound in the great mansion like someone waiting for the second shoe to drop. On top of all of this was the sorrow I was anticipating the moment I entered homeroom tomorrow and saw Ryder’s empty desk. I was afraid my heart would simply tighten up, shrivel, and stop. I knew everyone would be watching me, too, perhaps expecting me to burst into tears or simply get up and run out of the building. They would try to talk about other things, but their eyes would be asking questions constantly, hoping I would just break down and tell them everything.