Mrs. Duval came by in the morning to check on me as usual, but by the time she did, I was already dressed and ready to go down to breakfast. Jordan was up, too, and already at the table.
“How are you feeling?” she asked the moment I entered.
“Okay,” I said. I wasn’t. I was trembling so hard inside myself already that I couldn’t imagine getting out of the car in the school parking lot and managing to reach the entrance.
“Would you like me to drive you to school this morning? It’s no problem for me.”
“No. If I’m going to do this, I had better do it all,” I replied. “Thank you.”
She leaned over to pat my hand. “That’s what I like to hear. We’re both going to be all right,” she said. “I’ll be home for dinner, so don’t worry if I’m not here when you return from school. There is still much for me to do.”
“What about Kiera? When will she know?”
“After Donald returns and sees what’s what, we’ll discuss informing Kiera. When you and I first met in the hospital after that horrible, unnecessary tragedy, you’ll remember I blamed Donald for Kiera’s behavior. He defended her too much and used his influence to get her out of trouble too often. It’s very true when they say you reap what you sow in this world. I’m not wholly without blame, but Kiera is more Donald’s daughter than mine, I’m afraid. She’s always been closer to him than to me.”
Not lately, I thought. She hadn’t been close to either of them. Maybe she sensed that her father was drifting away. Perhaps it never had occurred to her that he would be an adulterer, and that was why she blamed his attention to me for his diminished interest in her.
“I’ll let Donald lead the charge when it comes to explaining this to Kiera. But please try not to think of it all right now. Concentrate on building yourself back up. You have a wonderful future ahead of you, especially with your school grades. You have to decide on a college soon, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
“There’s lots to think about and lots for both of us to do. Keeping busy is the best cure for sadness and disappointment.”
I looked at my watch. “I guess I had better get going,” I said, and rose.
“Call me if you need anything or decide you’d rather be home today, too. If you don’t feel like driving back . . .”
“I’ll be all right,” I said.
“Of course you will. Be careful,” she said.
She kissed me, and I started out. I picked up the books I had left the night before on the bench the way I always did and went out to my car.
I had eaten more than I had thought I would at breakfast. My reason for that was Mrs. Duval’s watchful eyes. The butterflies in my stomach flew up and into my throat, but I swallowed them back. Now that I was actually going, it was as if I hadn’t eaten a thing. My stomach felt hollow and empty. My body was so light that I thought I might float off. I forced myself to focus on everything I had to do and actually recited aloud the steps to starting my car and driving away as if I were taking my driver’s test again and there was a motor vehicle agent right beside me. I thought that if I kept saying everything aloud, I would keep myself from thinking about what lay ahead.
“Turn right. Turn left. Stop at the stop sign. Speed up. Slow down. Signal.”
Anyone overhearing me would think I had truly gone crazy. I tried not to look at anyone when I pulled into the parking lot and into my space. I kept my head down and my gaze low as I walked to the entrance. I was hoping to make it to my locker and then to homeroom before anyone approached me, but word that I had come to school was already being transmitted with the speed of a cell-phone call, especially to my classmates. Sydney and Jessica were waiting at my locker.
“How are you?” Sydney asked with the exaggeration of an amateur actor.
“Fine,” I said, not looking at her. I started to open my locker and stopped. I had nothing to take out and nothing to put in.
“We’ve all already met with the counselor Dr. Steiner brought in. Maybe they’ll bring her back for you,” Sydney said, clearly making the point that I was the one who would really need it.
“I’m glad you’re here,” Jessica said. “You just tell us if you need anything.”
“I need to be left alone,” I said, and walked to homeroom. I tried not to look at anyone else. My memories of the first day I had entered this school came surging back. There I was, limping my way from class to class, my face a portrait of terror for sure. I had not been in a formal school setting for some time, and despite the fiction Jordan had created for my biography, I still believed that anyone who looked at me saw nothing more than a street urchin.
I sucked in my breath, pressed my lips tightly together, and entered the homeroom, unable not to glance at Ryder’s empty desk. To my surprise, Shayne Peters was sitting at it. For a moment, the shock kept me from moving. He smiled at me. I glared at him and went to my desk. Jessica sat just across from me in homeroom.
“Why is Shayne in Ryder’s seat?” I asked her. She looked ecstatic because I was talking to her.
“We all got together yesterday and talked about what happened and about you. Everyone wants to try to do whatever he or she can to help you forget,” she said.
“Forget?”
She nodded.