I didn't want to be hungry. I wanted to starve myself, to somehow punish myself. I knew exactly what was going through Mommy's mind all day. This was another example of her bad luck, her curse falling on the people she loved, and it was all because of me.. . me!
"C'mon, dear, sit yourself up and get the soup down. You don't want to get yourself sick. I know you. You'll feel sorrier for making yourself more of a burden if that happens and then where will we be?"
She said the magic words, of course, knew the formula with which to get me to do the things she thought I should do. I sat up and she placed the tray on my lap and stood back to watch. I started to eat.
"It really was my fault. Mrs. Geary. I was so stupid to put myself into the situation."
"Now how would you know the evil in someone else's heart, dear, especially one of those boys from refined families?"
"Just because his parents are rich and influential people, it doesn't mean he's any better than anyone else." I said. 'No one knows that better than I do now. I'm such a little idiot, trusting people."
"You're hardly more than a child. What are you supposed to be, a wise old lady? I know many a woman twice your age who's been a lot more foolish and trusting."
I kept eating, my self-pity turning more and more into anger at myself while Mrs. Geary ranted on.
"Next thing I'll hear is people who get robbed deserve it because they walked around without an army guarding them. Just because you leave a window slightly open or a door unlocked, it doesn't mean a thief has a right to your things, does it? You can't be expected to be so alert, so cautious. If we go about thinking the worst of everyone we meet, we'll never be at peace a minute." she said. Her eyes narrowed with suspicion. "Who put the blame on you?"
"Never mind," I said.
"Not your mama and papa. I know. Was it your school people?" She shook her head at my silence, "A good girl's got a hard road to hoe almost anywhere these days," she muttered and started to unpack my things for me.
"I can do that. Mrs. Geary," I said.
"I know you can. I just don't want to be idle a minute right now," she said.
I finally smiled. When you have people around you who love you as much as my parents and Mrs. Geary loved me, you realize that when something bad is done to you, it's truly done to them as well. We shared disappointments and pain, triumphs and happiness as if we were all one person.
I finished my soup and got myself out of bed. Instead of lying up here and moaning and groaning, I belonged downstairs comforting Mommy, I thought. However, when I descended, I didn't find her anywhere in the house. Daddy was in the office, talking on the phone. He just looked at me and turned his chair to indicate he wanted privacy.
I went out and saw Mommy at her usual place looking over the lake.
"Are you all right. Mommy?" I asked as I approached. She looked up.
Her face was so pale, her eyes bloodshot. It put a hot flash of pain in my heart.
"You should go rest, honey." she said almost breathlessly.
"I'm all right, Mommy. You're getting yourself sick. though. I almost kept it all a secret just because I was afraid of this, and now I wish I had," I moaned.
'Oh no. honey. No, don't say that. You can't
keep something like that a secret anyway. It would eat away at you something awful."
"You're sitting out here blaming yourself and your curse. right?"
She smiled and took a deep breath. Then she looked out at the lake and talked softly, almost as if she was really talking to herself.
"When I learned your grandmother Megan was my mother and she had been with an African American man in college, I wasn't only upset over the fact that Mama Latisha wasn't really my mother. I was also terribly afraid. Not only were there bigoted white people who said a child from a mixed racial relationship was an abomination, but there were bigoted black people who felt the same way,
"After I learned the truth. I guess I just expected trouble would be my lifelong companion, so when bad things happened to me or people I loved, I naturally felt responsible.
"Of course, the wise and intelligent part of me tells me that's all very foolish and just helps feed the hate and the racism that pollute our world."
She turned to me.
"When I heard what had happened to you, my heart just stopped and I almost didn't want it to start again. I've never told you the details about my stepsister's death because they were ugly, sordid details, and I didn't want to put any of the hideousness in your mind. Every parent wants to protect his or her child from unpleasant things. That's why we're so worried about what you see and do.
"But." she said, turning back toward the lake. "maybe that's wrong. Summer. Maybe that's very wrong. I should have told you more. I should have prepared you for the wolves out there.