Instead. I lived under the illusion that our money and our idyllic world would put a shield around you and protect you wherever you were and whatever you did. Maybe it was my own desire to forget and stick my head in our golden sand. Maybe that's why I feel responsible. I should have known you can't hide from the evil around you. I should have know," she repeated and pounded her small fist into her lap.
"No," I muttered. "You can't blame yourself. Mommy."
"Yes." she insisted. "There's a lot I should have told you." She paused, looked down and then took a deep breath and looked up at me again,
"After my stepsister and I found out the truth about me, we became even more estranged. She had always resented the love Mama Latisha gave me and the attention I received, especially from Roy. She felt she was neglected and I was favored. The new knowledge was not relief for her. It threw salt in her wounds to learn that I wasn't even blood related: yet I was, in her eyes, loved more by her mother and her brother.
"She was always rebellious. angry. She got in with a bad group, snuck away to a party where she was drugged and raped."
"Oh no
"And they took pictures of her and tried to blackmail her with them, asking for money. We kept it a secret from my stepmother and from Uncle Roy. It was what Beneatha wanted and I went along with her because I wanted her to like me, to love me, so much.
"In the end we both walked into a trap, and I fled to get help. When I returned, she had been murdered.
"Roy was furious at me for not telling him what was going on, and despite what Mama said to me afterward. I knew she was disappointed in me, too, but no one hated me more than I hated myself.
"Mama Latisha got me out of that world as quickly as she could. and I lived under the fantasy that evil waters didn't run in these privileged rivers and lakes. Eventually. I learned that it did, but often in more subtle ways. I should have spent all these last few years warning you, preparing you, but instead, I tried to make you into the girl I wished I could have been: pure, untouched, forever happy. How stupid."
"You warned me about things. Mama. We had good talks. It was my own stupidity."
"I should have made it more vivid for you, honey. It was my responsibility, my job and as you can see, I was more than well equipped to do it. I had all that bad experience, but I didn't make use of it. I wasted it. I let it continue to harm me, harm us."
"Please don't do this. Mommy," I pleaded. "It will only make me feel worse about what I did. too."
She looked at me for a long moment and then she smiled and opened her arms.
I knelt down and fell into her lap where she held me for a while and stroked my hair just the way she used to when I was just a little girl.
"Okay, honey," she said. "I'll stop. We'll be all right."
She kissed me on the forehead and I sat back on the grass. A few moments later, we heard the sound of Harley's motorcycle. He shot up the drive and turned toward his house when he spotted us and brought his motorcycle to a sudden stop. For a moment he straddled it and looked our way, just to be sure he was seeing right.
"Oh no. Mommy. What will I tell Harley? Hell be so upset. There's no telling what he might do."
"Then don't tell him anything for now." she said quickly. "Tell him you got sick and we wanted you home for a few days."
Harley turned off the motorcycle and waved. I waved back and he started toward us. In my heart of hearts. I knew how difficult it was going to be for me to lie to Harley. Being so close for so many of our formative years, we knew all the little nuances in our gestures, looks and voices.
Aunt Alison, who was an expert liar and proud of it, once told me the best way to succeed with a lie is to first convince yourself it's true. Maybe I wouldn't have such a hard time doing so. I thought. I really was sick. In fact. I haven't often felt as sick as I did at the moment.
I rose and walked toward him.
"Hey, what are you doing here?"
"I had to come home for a while," I said.
"Why?"
"I got sick at school and my parents thought I should," I replied.
"What happened?"
"It's too disgusting to talk about." I said. That wasn't a lie.
"Summer." Mommy called as she turned toward the house. "don't stay out too long. honey."
"Okay," I said. "I'm still ,,weak," I told Harley.