The Carrie Diaries (The Carrie Diaries 1)

“I guess he changed his mind.”

“Or maybe you changed it for him.”

“Think whatever you want,” she says rudely. “He wants me.”

“No, he doesn’t,” I spit. “You just want him more than you want me.”

“What does that mean?”

“Don’t you get it? We are no longer friends. We will never be friends ever again. How can I even talk to you?”

Long, dreadful silence. Finally: “I love him, Carrie.” Click, followed by a dial tone. I sit on my bed, stunned.

Cannot face assembly. Slink up to dairy barn instead. Maybe I will spend the whole day here. Smoke three cigarettes in a row. It’s fucking freezing. Decide to use the word “fucking” at every opportunity.

How could this happen? What does she have that I don’t? Okay, have already been over this. Apparently, I am inadequate. Or I deserve this. I took him away from Donna LaDonna and now Lali has taken him away from me. What goes around comes around. And eventually, some other girl will take him away from Lali.

Why was I so stupid? I knew all along I could never keep him. I wasn’t interesting enough. Or sexy enough. Or pretty enough. Or smart enough. Or maybe I was too smart?

I put my head in my hands. Sometimes, I acted dumb around him. I’d say, “Oh, what’s that?” when I knew perfectly well what he was talking about. It made me feel like I didn’t know who I was, or who I was supposed to be. I giggled nervously at things that weren’t funny. I would become too aware of my mouth, or how I was moving my hands. I began living with a black hole of insecurity that had moved into my consciousness like an unwanted relative who refused to leave yet constantly criticized the accommodations.

I should be relieved. I feel like I’ve been in a war.

“Carrie?” Maggie says tentatively. I look up, and there she is with rosy cheeks, hair twisted into two long braids. She holds her mittened hands up to her mouth. “Are you okay?”

“No.” My voice is a mere husk.

“The Mouse told me what happened,” she whispers.

I nod. Soon everyone will know. I’ll be talked about and mocked behind my back. I’ll become a joke. The girl who couldn’t keep her boyfriend. The girl who wasn’t good enough. The girl who was shown up by her best friend. The girl who you can grind under your heel. The girl who doesn’t matter.

“What are you going to do?” Maggie asks, outraged.

“What can I do? She said he said that he needed her.”

“She’s lying,” Maggie exclaims. “She’s nothing but a big liar. Always bragging about herself. It’s all about her. She stole Sebastian because she’s jealous.”

“Maybe he really does like her better,” I say wearily.

“He can’t. And if he does, he’s stupid. They’re both evil nasty people who deserve each other. Good riddance. He wasn’t good enough for you.”

But he was. He was all I ever wanted. We belonged together. I will never love another guy the way I loved him.

“You need to do something,” Maggie says. “Do something to her. Blow up her truck.”

“Oh, Magwitch.” I lift my head. “I’m just too tired.”

Hide in library during calculus. Furiously read Star Signs. Lali’s a Leo. Sebastian (Se-bastard) is a Scorpio, which figures. Apparently they will have explosive sex together.

Attempt to decide what I hate most about this situation. The shame and embarrassment? The loss of my boyfriend and my best friend? Or the betrayal? They must have been planning this for weeks. Talking about me and how to get rid of me. Engineering secret assignations. Discussing how to tell me. But they didn’t tell me. They didn’t have the decency. They simply put it right out there, in my face. Like the only way they could deal with it was to get caught. They didn’t think about how I might feel. I was only in the picture as an obstacle, because I don’t matter to them. I am no one to them.

All those years of friendship…Was it all a lie?

I remember once in sixth grade, Lali had a birthday party and didn’t invite me. I walked into school one day and Lali wouldn’t talk to me, and neither would anyone else. Or so it seemed. Maggie and The Mouse still talked to me. But not Lali or the other girls we hung around with, like Jen P. I didn’t know what to do. My mother said I should call Lali, and when I did, Lali’s mother said she wasn’t home, although I heard Lali and Jen P giggling in the background. “Why are they doing this to me?” I asked my mother.

“I can’t explain it,” she said helplessly. “It’s just one of those things girls do.”

“But why?”