Beautifully Broken

“You’re going to make me dizzy. Sit down, child. No need to worry until we know for sure. I’ll get one of those tests for you.”

Needing a moment to process the awful shock, I mutter, “I… I’m going down to the land. I’ll see you later.”

I rush away from all the questions in Annie’s eyes.

Pregnant?

God.

All the memories flood me, threatening to drown me out in the open. I thought I could run away from the nightmare. I thought if I just ignored it all, then it would be just… a nightmare.

I can’t be pregnant. I don’t even know which of them impregnated me.

Rushing over the field, I don’t take in any of the wildflowers or the sun beaming down. Instead, I gasp for air as the thoughts choke me. My heartbeat speeds up, and a hollow emptiness washes through me.

Stopping in the middle of the field, a sob tears from my tight chest, and I grab at the fabric over my heart.

Pregnant?

“No,” I cry, and then I sink to my knees. “No.”

Every second will be a stark reminder of being raped, of being beaten – of being degraded.

My fingers dig into the wild grass as my shoulders begin to shudder.

What will I do with a baby? How will I take care of a child? I can’t even keep myself safe.

This isn’t happening.

Maybe my period’s gone because of the trauma?

Maybe when they kicked and assaulted me, it damaged something?

As I desperately try to come up with reasons for my missing period, my gut already knows the truth.

I don’t need a test to confirm it.

I’m going to bring a baby into this godforsaken world, and I have no means of keeping the child safe.

“We did that piece already, honey,” I hear Annie call. She gave me some time to myself earlier today, for which I’m grateful.

I look over the row I’ve just done.

We did it already?

I’m so screwed up, I can’t even think straight.

“We did it two days ago. Today we plant tomato and potato seeds.”

I get up and dust my hands off and then walk over to where all the packets of seeds are.

“Jason,” Annie calls out happily.

I glance over my shoulder, and then ice-cold fear ripples through me as I see a man coming toward us.

Shit.

Snapping my eyes back to the packets of seeds, my heart thunders in my chest.

“This here is my Jason,” Annie says proudly.

Shit.

For a moment, I wish Damian was here so I could hide behind him. I have to force myself to turn around, my palms sweaty and trembling.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, miss…?” Jason gives me a questioning look.

“Nonsense, Boy. Just call her Karen. The child might as well be from my own rib,” Annie steps in for me, and I love her more than ever.

Jason reaches a hand out to me, and I stare at it for too long before I step forward and lift mine. “I’m…sorry,” I stammer, and then my mouth grows dry as I take in his uniform. Law enforcement. “Hi,” I squeak, and I know – I just know – if I was him, I’d be suspicious of me.

“Jason Williams,” he smiles, and my stomach coils into a hard knot.

“Karen Weston.” I avoid his eyes and quickly step back, so I’m partially behind Annie.

It feels like my newfound freedom is slipping away.

He’s going to take me away from this little piece of heaven.

“I didn’t know you had a guest, Annie. Now ain’t that something,” Jason says, his eyes slowly sweeping over me.

I take another step back, my muscles tightening as if I’m getting ready to run.

“Don’t worry, honey,” Annie tells me as she takes hold of my hand, squeezing it tightly as if to offer me some comfort. “Why don’t you run on up and get me my hat? I feel that ball of fire scorching the gray right into my head.”

I nod, and grateful for the escape, I dart off toward the house. I don’t know which hat she’s referring to, but I take the out she’s giving me to get away.

“Annie,” I hear Jason ask, and I quicken my pace, “where’s that girl from?”

“I told you, Jason,” she snaps, “my rib. Now hand me the tomato seeds.”

“Shit. Shit. Shit,” I chant all the way to the house.

Then Jason’s patrol car comes into sight, and it reads State Police on the side.

Oh, God.

It takes everything I have not to break out into a mad run up the road.

Why can’t I just have peace?

As soon as I think I’ve found it, someone comes along to ruin it.

Will this hell ever end?

Rushing into the house, I hurry to my room and shut the door behind me. I gasp for air as I place a hand over my stomach. Panic keeps rippling through me, making one worry after the other bombard me.