As soon as the waitress left, Dakota said, “Wait. So, are we one hundred percent sure she can’t have sex with the nanny? I mean, how convenient. Hey, I want to bang tonight and you’re five feet away. Yay. It sounds awesome to me.”
“He’s my little brother’s best friend,” I said. “Not only does that make him off-limits, that makes him like twenty-three years old. Maybe twenty-four, tops, I can’t remember when his birthday is.”
“Oh, you’re worried he’ll pop off too soon since he’s young and uber horny? Fair enough,” she said.
I should have known this conversation would get away from me. “No! I mean, I never thought about that. But I doubt it.” I pictured Maddox’s intense stare. “You don’t understand. Even as a kid, his concentration was crazy. He’s a tattoo artist. He obviously has to be focused. No. I think he’s probably the kind of guy who just draws it out on and on while you slowly go crazy with the intensity of it…”
Damn it. I could feel myself getting wet just thinking like that. I was wet. In a bar. Thinking about Maddox. If I had told my twenty-year-old self this would be the future, I would have laughed hysterically. The waitress put my drink down and I gulped half the iced tea in one sip. I was burning up from the inside out.
“Let’s start with buying a vibrator,” Felicia said. “Because I think you’re a wee bit undersexed right now.”
“Do you have a picture of him?” Leah asked. “I’m really curious what this guy looks like given how you’re practically drooling.”
“I bet I can find his Instagram.” I pulled my phone out and scrolled through my apps. I should have done this before he showed up on my doorstep because at least I would have been mentally prepared. There it was. Primarily pictures of tattoos he’d done on other people. But there was one of him leaning against his motorcycle, arms crossed over his chest, expression brooding.
I passed the phone to Leah across the table. “Here he is.”
“Holy fuck,” Leah said as she looked at the screen. “He’s so not your type.”
“I know, right?”
She passed the phone around the table. One by one they exclaimed over the hotness of Maddox.
“If you’re going to shatter stereotypes by having a male nanny, this is the way to do it,” Isla said. “He’s straight out of Breaking Bad.”
“Can I have sex with him?” Dakota asked. “Since you can’t for reasons I still don’t understand.”
“No!” I knew she was joking but it still irritated me.
“Don’t tease her. She’s in crisis,” Felicia said. “Okay, so I’m following this better now. The solution is to date other men so you don’t shag your nanny?”
“No. The solution is to date so I can have an orgasm and someone to spend Friday nights with. But I don’t trust myself to pick guys out on an app or even in person. So here’s what I’m proposing. Each of you picks a guy for me.”
“This is the best thing I’ve ever heard,” Dakota said. “You’re telling me I can pick anyone?”
“Anyone that would be a good fit for me.” I felt the first flutter of nerves over my seemingly brilliant idea. She looked downright gleeful.
“Anyone that I think would be a good fit for you, correct? Not your idea of a good fit. Because you’ve already dated every white suit-wearing prick in all five boroughs.”
I opened my mouth to protest, then realized I had exactly zero leg to stand on. She was right. I was a prick magnet. The whole point of this exercise was to break away from the patterns that had resulted in nothing but heartbreak. If I always was drawn to the exact same type of guy, wasn’t the outcome going to be the same?
“Yes. You can choose whoever you think would be a good fit for me. Not a fit for you. A fit for me.”
“This is gold,” Dakota said. “I have at least five guys at work that I’m mentally considering right now.”
Dakota danced in music videos and for the pro football dance team. I was intrigued by who she might come up with. Me with a rapper? It boggled the mind and yet was kind of exciting. The whole point was new possibilities.
“Can we use an app?” Felicia said. “You know I’ve become a recluse since Sam and I split. I know no one in person to set you up with and I definitely want in on this.”
Felicia had been dating older, wealthy men, being whisked away on vacations until she’d had a horrendous breakup. Now she hadn’t dated in close to a year, and seemed to have lost her confidence entirely. She spent most of her time in her apartment, working. Maybe this wouldn’t just help me. Maybe Felicia would join an app herself and get back out there. “Yes. Download an app if you don’t have it already and I will give you my login. You can pretend to be me.”
“That is a power that must be wielded responsibly,” Isla said. “But I swear, you can trust me. I don’t know about these other bitches, but I promise I won’t muck around in your account.”
“I trust all of you.” I did. Implicitly. “That’s why I’m doing this.”
“I’m going to put feelers out with Grant’s cousin,” Leah said. “He’s the CEO of a hotel chain.”
“Sold,” I said, grinning. This was going to be fun.