Slowly he unfolded the paper. There wasn’t much to read.
Dear Ethan
I started this for myself, and now it’s for you. You can do whatever you want with it—read it, keep it or destroy it. But I want you to know that you left me better than you found me.
Kate
Ethan stared at the note, trying to divine the meaning behind her words. The writing wasn’t Kate’s usual ebullient scrawl, it was neat and careful. She’d obviously thought about what she wanted to say and said it in as few words as possible. And the ending said it all. Just Kate without any love or the usual hug and kisses.
If this was a goodbye, he didn’t want to read it. They’d already done that and there was no point in opening old wounds. He put the book down on the hall table and then picked it up again, snapping the elastic back and opening it. Kate had sent this to him, wanting him to read it, and there was no way that he could deny her this one last thing.
The pages were closely written and as he flipped through them he saw that she’d almost filled the notebook. It would take a while to read all of this.
‘Dad. Come on!’ Sam’s voice sounded from upstairs and for a moment Ethan considered laying the book to one side until Sam was in bed tonight. Then he changed his mind.
‘Okay. I’ll race you. See who can get ready to go first!’
* * *
Getting Sam dressed, chivvying boy and puppy into the car and driving to Summer Hill took less than three quarters of an hour, but it felt like an eternity. Kate’s notebook seemed to be burning a hole in the pocket of his jacket. Ethan trudged up the hill, Sam on his shoulders and Arthur trailing behind them on the lead.
Finally they were at the top. Ethan picked a spot where he could keep hold of Arthur’s extending lead and Sam could run and play without straying out of sight. He sat down, taking the book from his pocket.
‘Can we go to the stream?’ Sam was cavorting around in the sunshine.
‘Later, maybe. I have to read this...’
Sam puffed out a breath, laying his hand on Ethan’s knee in a meditative gesture that seemed somehow older than his years. ‘You’re getting quite boring.’
Guilt stabbed at Ethan. Sam was right and he wished that he hadn’t let his son see his unhappiness. He folded the boy in his arms, hugging him.
‘I know. I’m sorry. Can you do something for me?’
‘Okay.’
‘Would you be able to play for a while, with Arthur, while I read this? I’ll be as quick as I can. Then I promise you I’ll do my best not to be boring any more.’
Sam nodded gravely. ‘All right, then.’
It was so easy for Sam. He believed that his father could say something and then make it happen. As he watched the boy run over to Arthur, Ethan resolved that he would make it happen. He’d read what Kate had to say and then get on with his life.
* * *
The dates were entered at the top of each page, and underneath were the two entries for each date. Ethan flipped through the pages, stopping at one which contained only two sentences. He recognised the date. It was the day after the second night they’d spent together.
Best: making love with Ethan.
Worst: when he left.
Remorse stabbed at him. He remembered leaving in a hurry, and Kate must have written this then. He almost put the book aside, knowing that it would deal more blows than he could take, but he picked it up again. Kate wouldn’t send him this out of spite. She wanted him to read it and he should start at the beginning.
The first pages were dated a few days after she’d started seeing Usha and the entries were hesitant. A cup of her favourite coffee, which made Ethan smile at the memory of Kate grinning and taking a sip. A long evening at the surgery, which had worn her out. But then the entries became more personal.
It was the story of their affair. Brief, shining, but dogged by doubt. And then the story of her life after that.
Seeing him from her car, heading towards the market in town with Sam on his shoulders. Ethan remembered that day, and wished that he’d turned to see Kate. A nightmare, where someone grabbed her and she fought for her life against a shadow in the night. He smiled at the entries for that day. The nightmare was the worst thing that had happened to her. The best was that it had been a whole month since she’d had that dream.
Being bitten by a dog. The everyday things that Kate had dealt with and then moved on from. There was the recurring theme of missing him, which echoed in Ethan’s heart, because he’d been missing Kate too. And the mantra which he now realised that they’d shared for this last three months.