American Honey

Finn never told me he talked to his dad yesterday. I wonder how many times he’s visited with him. It makes me sick to think he can’t talk to me about it. I grab his hand and whisper, “I love you” to him. I notice Granddaddy’s nod of approval at my move, and I know he will always be here for us. Always.

“You could carry out any legacy you wanted in this town, be with Kara and have a life worth living, but you choose this,” his dad says, throwing his arms up in the air.

Finn jumps to his feet, rushing to his dad and his finger is pointing straight at his dad’s chest. “You can hate this place because it reminds you of her. You can resent me because I still choose to love my mom out loud. You can hate all of it. Just do me a favor and leave me the fuck alone. I love Tessa, this farm and nothing will change that.”

“You’re going to regret this,” his dad replies.

We all watch as Dr. Evans walks away from the porch. It’s a picture that’s hard to swallow because he resembles Finn in every way from the good looks and build, but the two couldn’t be any different from each other.

“I’m proud of you, son,” Jimmy finally speaks after Dr. Evans’ Lexus is out of view.

Finn is still seething pissed off and pacing the porch. He doesn’t respond to his granddaddy, and I wonder if he even heard his words.

“He’s going to push you and Finn. This place reminds him too much of your mother. Her spirit lives in you and that hurts him. Your dad does love you, Finn. Sometimes life’s circumstances cause us to make poor choices and he’s just fighting his own demons.”

“I’m going to fucking hit the bastard the next time he brings up Kara or demeans my relationship with Tessa,” Finn finally says.

I feel like he has forgotten that I’m sitting right here with the words he just spoke. He’s still pacing back and forth. My gut tells me that my name came up a time or two yesterday in their conversation.

“He can never take your love of Tessa away. You can’t let him poison you by getting you so upset,” Granddaddy replies.

“He’s hell bent on ruining me,” Finn says.

There it is. Finn’s biggest fear is now out and floating among the three of us. He finally drops back down into his chair completely defeated. I still feel invisible to him.

“Like I said, son, life has a funny way of creating monsters without even knowing it.”

Jimmy nods his head in my direction, signaling me to say something, and I freeze. My only coping strategy I’ve developed over the last few years is avoidance. Avoiding anything and eve

rything that brings up pain in my life. Will is always there trying to get me to release a bit of it, but I’ve mastered the tactic of avoiding the truth at all cost.

Standing to my feet, I push back on Finn’s shoulders and sit down on his lap.

“So, Jimmy, we caught two fish. That’s right I said we. I caught the biggest one. Look,” I say.

Opening the cooler, I pull out the two fish with the biggest smile on my face. And wonder why fishing can’t be like real life. Simple, relaxing and honest.

“Those things won’t even be enough meat to make one fish stick,” Jimmy replies and all three of us laugh at his words.

Chapter 8

Time to Jump

Finn’s slight snoring is comforting. I couldn’t leave him tonight after witnessing the showdown between him and his dad. I helped Jimmy fix up the tiny fish for dinner. We also made burgers and a green salad since the fish were basically an appetizer. Finn disappeared while we cooked, and I could only guess it was to decompress fully from the night’s events.

Something Jimmy said to me while we cooked is still haunting me hours later.

“Finn needs you. If you aren’t ready to fully stand up for him, you need to let him know. The boy lost one love of his life. I don’t think he has it in him to lose another.”

His words brought me to tears, and I cried right in the middle of his kitchen. Will has always tried to fill the void of my parents, but he’s more like a big brother to me than anything else. Jimmy, on the other hand, is so fatherly I wanted to pour out all my fears right there in the kitchen with him. I desperately wanted to share all of my pain, fears and just how broken of a person I am. Then maybe he could see that I’m a strong enough woman to be there for Finn.

“Baby,” Finn’s groggy voice drags me from my thoughts.

Finn is laid out on his back with me clinging to his side.

“Yeah,” I whisper.

“Why are you crying?”