“No, it’s not that,” I answer with a shake of my head. “I’m concerned about where you’ve been and I think you need to hear me out about what life has been like the past six years.”
I walk over to the picnic bench and sit down. I remember when Rick put this out here, thinking that we’d want to sit and relax. A few did, but being inside is where the ambience is. Inside is where we feel like we can relax and let our guard down just a little bit.
“What you were doing in there was low. You know she’s my fiancée, and yet you had no qualms about kissing her.”
Evan shrugs. “You had no qualms taking over my life, so I guess we’re even.”
I should’ve known that talking to him at all wouldn’t be easy but talking about Ryley and EJ is probably going to be an extremely tumultuous conversation. Maybe she should be here to referee, but putting her in the middle of any more disagreements between us is the last thing I want to do. She loves us both and I wish none of us were going through this.
“I’m not going to sugar coat anything. The other day when you walked in, I thought I was looking at a ghost and part of me is still waiting for you to disappear. And if I’m being honest, I’m not sure you’re even you. I mean you look like you and Ryley says it’s you, but I can’t wrap my head around a crew of Navy SEALs being gone for six years without being prisoners of war, or missing in action. None of this shit makes sense, Ev, and I’m trying to get a clear picture.
“I know coming home was a shock, but you have to understand when I tell you that Ryley and me ending up together wasn’t planned. I didn’t set out to be with her. Things just happened. Our feelings developed over the years and we acted on them. We shared a bond. One of the things you said the other day really made me think a lot: How does it feel to be you? And the answer is, I never set out to take over your life. I was happy with Cara and I was happy being an uncle to EJ.
“But when shit went south between Cara and me, I started spending more and more time over at Ryley’s because she was my connection to you. Being at the cemetery where you’re buried wasn’t cutting it. I needed a connection and she and EJ were it. It was years, Evan, before she and I even discussed what we were feeling, because we were both afraid of tarnishing your memory.”
Evan finally raises the bag of ice to his
nose. He winces from the cold sensation and pressure being applied to his face.
“I hate you.”
“I know,” I say, sighing heavily. “If I knew you were alive, I swear to God I would’ve been looking for you.”
Evan sits down and, to me, this means progress. “That’s just it,” he says as he leans forward, resting one of his elbows on his knee. His other hand is still holding the ice pack. “About three months in I asked O’Keefe to get a message to you. I wanted you to know that everything was good, but that I needed you to check on Ry because she was pregnant. He told me that he gave you the message. I left it at that because a few days later a box came from Ryley with pictures of her belly getting bigger and a letter.”
“Was it her handwriting?” I ask the moment he pauses.
Evan shakes his head. “I never thought about it until now, but all her letters were typed and I think I figured at the time that she was tired and didn’t want to handwrite everything.”
“You were about fifty days out when they came knocking on the door. They told Ryley first before they told Mom or me. Ryley called me and I could hear it in her voice when she said your name. By the time I got to your house, Carole and Jensen were there and Carole was on the phone yelling at someone. I had never seen her scream before that day. That was also the day Ryley told me she was pregnant. I didn’t know what to think until Mom came storming in, demanding that Ry move out.”
Evan groans, and I know why: Our mother. When our father died, she changed. She became cold and shut off. It’s not that I blame her, but she still had three children that needed her. When Evan died, she became mechanical and shut off. EJ has brought her back a little, but not much. To him, she’s an amazing grandmother. To the rest of us, she’s cold hearted.
“Mom begged Carole to investigate and she did. I know she spent hours scouring through documents looking for something that would tell us otherwise, but every ‘T’ was crossed and all the ‘I’s’ were dotted. Whoever wanted you guys to disappear did a damn fine job of covering the trail.”
Taking a deep breath, I try to relax against the wooden table, but it’s old and splintered, the fragmented wood poking me in the back as I look out over the parking lot and the beach volleyball court.
“What were you doing? Where’d you go?”
The moment I ask the question, the door to Magoo’s opens. I catch a glimpse of someone stepping out, but that’s it. They’re staying close to the wall because if they step out from under the awning, the floodlights will come on. “Stop talking,” he mumbles.
“Why?” We need to hash this shit out and now is the best time. We could’ve killed each other in the bar. I’m not walking away from this now.
“It’s Frannie,” he whispers.
Glancing back toward the door, I’m still waiting for whoever came out to come into view. “How do you know?”
Evan leans back, resting his arms on the top of the table, letting his bag of ice dangle from his hand. “It’s her perfume. After being at River’s for a day, I’d recognize it anywhere.”
His statement gives me pause. He’s on high alert, something I’m not. I’m not sure I’d be able to pick out Lois’s perfume if she walked out of the bar under the cover of darkness, but Evan knew right away. And something about Frannie being outside by herself has him on edge.
“We still need to talk,” I say, keeping my voice low. Evan sighs heavily and groans.
“Listen,” he says, back to resting his elbows on his knees. “Right now the only thing I want is my son. He needs to know I’m his dad. I don’t care what telling him does to the relationship you and Ryley have with him. I don’t care what the reasoning is behind the decision to never tell him about me, and thinking that my face tacked to his walls was the answer. That shit is creepy and cool at the same time, but he needs to know and I’m not waiting.” Evan stands and starts to pace, kicking pebbles as he does. I know he’s right, and it’s not that I don’t want to do what he’s asking, I just don’t know how. It’s also a decision I can’t make without Ryley.
It doesn’t escape my notice that he says he only wants EJ. I know he wants Ryley, and it makes me think that maybe she’s told him no. If she has, she hasn’t said anything to me about it. She’s asked for space and I’m giving it to her.
“I want to help,” I say, without going into detail. His head turns toward the building where I’m assuming Frannie is lurking. Evan tosses the bag of ice on the table and groans.