“Newlyweds, we’ll meet you out back.”
Everyone is in a hurry, rushing for the door, except for Josh and me. I don’t want to win, there’s no reason to. We won’t be taking the vacation together so I’m not even sure why we’re playing.
“We should be the first out,” I suggest. “No reason to even compete.” Standing up, I turn and face him, giving him a shrug. I feel like a mediocre person in this game, like it’s not going to matter what I do or what competitions we win because it’s all for nothing. It’s all over for me once the final vote comes in.
Joshua stands and run his hand through his hair, he forehead wrinkling as he frowns. Is he frustrated? Maybe, but this is what he wanted, minus me willing to lose. “I don’t want to throw the competition, Joey.”
“So I get the trip?”
“I told you I’m sorry about Jules.”
I scoff. “This has nothing to do with Jules. You want an annulment at the end of the show. I want a vacation and I have no intentions on taking one with an ex.”
He shakes his head with narrowed eyes. He opens his mouth to say something, but quickly shuts it. It’s a victory for me, another wall going up to protect my heart, until it isn’t. His lips are against mine before I have time to flinch. Fingers grip the back of my neck, intensely. I let out a small whimper because dammit, I want this. I want him.
But he doesn’t want me or maybe he does, but my heart can’t take it. I’ve had a taste of him, and yes I want to feast on his platter, but he’ll be the death of me.
Pushing him away, I run the back of my hand across my face, slowly and with emphasis. “I think it’s best if we don’t show any affection when people aren’t around,” I say as I walk away from him. The need to protect my heart is greater than receiving delicious kisses from Josh. Even if they’re toe curling and goose bump inducing.
The backyard is transformed into a mini Tahiti. I instantly hate it. I’d love to see Joshua and me sitting on the beach under the sun. Relaxing by the cover of shade trees and eating dinner under the moonlight. Midnight strolls, hand in hand, along the beach with waves crashing over our feet. Waking up under white gossamer with the sun filtering through the open window and the smell of the sea air making us feel calm. It’s all a dream that I thought was within my grasp.
“I made you a drink, Joshie.” Amanda bounces up to him, making sure her breasts are on full display. I glance at Gary who looks defeated. I’m not sure if I feel sorry for him or not. He likes her, maybe even loves her, and at one point she liked him.
That is until Jules happened.
I raise my eyebrow at Josh, who looks green. “I’ll take it,” I say, grabbing the red liquid filled glass from her hand. Without hesitation, I bring it to my lips and drink solidly, downing most of the cocktail. “Hmm, this is good. Want to try it, Joshie?” I add emphasis the “ie”. At most, I called him Josh and thought about calling him honey or babe, but never Joshie.
“I’ll take anything you give me,” he replies, taking the glass from my hand. His eyes never leave mine as he drinks. When he pulls away, he leans forward and kisses me with his cold, but flavored lips. Amanda huffs in the background; her annoyance matches mine where she’s concerned. Maybe I should use Joshua to help Gary out. The only problem with that is I’ll get hurt in the long run. I have too much to lose, even if I don’t have him now. Dignity costs a lot in my eyes.
Josh pulls me behind him to where our names are listed in front of the wave pool made to look like an ocean, complete with sand. The producers have gotten fancy and have the sound effects of the beach playing overhead. It’s as real as it’s going to get for me unless I figure out a way to put my stupid anger aside and play this game to win. A half million dollars is enticing, and could be well spent on a whirlwind vacation. Who knows, I could go to Italy and meet my dream guy.
Except my dream guy has me wrapped in his arms with his mouth dangerously close to my ear while we listen to Patrick Jonas explain the rules.
; “Each couple will take their place on the surfboard. One spouse must stand the entire time, and neither may touch the water. The last couple will be crowned the winner. Please step onto your surfboard.”
We do as we’re instructed. The board wobbles a little, and Josh stills me with his hands on my hips.
“If we’re both going to stand, I think we should hang onto each other. We’ll take breaks sitting down.”
“Or we could just jump in now and get it over with,” I offer the easiest solution.
He cups my face, shaking his head. “We’re not losing. If we don’t go together, you can have the tickets.”
Except in the end, we lose to Amanda and Gary. I’m not sure how it happened, but it did. I was standing against Josh, my head on his shoulder and with my eyes closed. The sun had already set, and we were soaking wet. He was holding me, trying to provide some warmth, but it wasn’t working. I was shivering, and we lost our balance. The surfboard started to wobble, and when a gust of wind was blown on us, Josh slipped with his foot going over the board and touching the water.
Ten hours of standing and we lose.
After a long hot shower, I’m somewhat warmed from the chill. I crawl into bed, in the white room, and close my eyes. The bed dips and I feel Josh get in beside me. He pulls me close so that we’re spooning. We haven’t done this in weeks, not that I’ve allowed him to touch me. I missed this, though, even if I couldn’t admit it to him.
“Please stop ignoring me,” he whispers against my skin. For a brief moment, my heartbreaks at the pain I hear in his voice. I don’t have a choice. I’m not like him. I haven’t been trained to be able to shut off my emotions like a light switch. I’ve liked him for so long that when I found out I was married to him, it was a dream come true. Sure, it’s a fantasy type dream, but nonetheless it was my dream and it was happening. Regardless of how long our marriage lasted, it was my fairytale. And yes, he shattered that fairytale early on, but he never shut me out. Josh treated me like I was his equal; his friend and partner.
I wish I were the type to tell him how I feel. Aside from him knowing that he’s my celebrity crush, he doesn’t know that I genuinely like him and I’ve fallen for him while we’ve been in this house. He doesn’t know, each day, up until the fateful date of the video messages I hoped and even prayed we’d walk out of this house hand in hand and into his waiting car. Destination unknown, but we’d be together and willing to start a life with one another. The only thing he’s willing to start is a past. Again, I don’t know if I can be his friend after the show.
Two options are in front of me. Pretend I’m already fast asleep, or tell him how I feel and what I want, even though I know he’ll never be able or willing to reciprocate the feelings. I keep thinking that if he knew me, the real me, he’d see that I’m more than a woman whose mother thought she was so desperate that she put her on national TV to find a husband. I can be the wife he needs if he’d just open himself up to the chance of falling in love with me.
My mind is made up for me when my body turns in his arms. His beautiful brown eyes are sad. The usual spark of life seems to be missing. I trace his frown lines, hoping that they’ll magically disappear with my touch.