Had I really thought I could live my whole life without it? No longer. Now that I’d had a taste of it, I could never go without it again. As much as I didn’t want to acknowledge it, my life, as of this very moment, had changed.
Or maybe it hadn’t changed.
Maybe it had just begun.
I felt more alive, standing in the ocean with Ryan Steel, than I’d ever felt in my life. More alive than when I caught a criminal and saw him on his way to justice. More alive than when I’d graduated at the top of my class in the police academy. More alive than anything.
“Let me tell you what I’m feeling,” Ryan said again.
“All right,” I said softly.
“I find you beautiful, Ruby. Not just on the outside, but on the inside. You’re different from any woman I’ve ever met. You don’t know how beautiful you are. Or maybe you do, and that’s why you try to hide it. You cover that body in androgynous clothing, pull that amazing hair back into that schoolmarm style. But you can’t hide, baby. You can disguise your body, strap down your breasts, but you can’t hide your beauty, because it doesn’t just come from your physical attributes. It exudes out of every inch of you. Your integrity. Your demand for justice. Your concern for everyone around you.”
I opened my mouth, but he silenced me by placing two fingers over my lips. His touch scorched me.
“You’re beautiful in every way, and I want to kiss you. I want to touch your body. I want to show you pleasure. I want you to see the beauty in what I can show you. Beauty I’m sorry you’ve never seen before, because you deserve everything good. I’m fall—”
I shushed him this time. “Please don’t say that.”
“All right. That can wait. For now, I find you fascinating. I love being with you. Even walking in silence thrills me because you’re beside me. Your presence is soothing, relaxing. And with all that’s been going on in the Steel family, I crave that. I crave that steadiness that you provide for me.”
Steadiness? Me? I was far from steady myself.
“Your strength,” he continued. “Your physical strength is humbling, but your mental strength… I’ve watched my brother regain his mental strength in the last several months. He’s like a new man. But you… I don’t know exactly what you went through with your father, and I’m not asking, unless you want to tell me sometime. But you’re still so strong. So ready to help others.”
“But I—”
“Let me finish, please. Yes, you’re strong, but underneath I sense the vulnerability of a child, Ruby. And I understand. I understand better than most because of what my brother has been through. It’s killing me that you fear me. I don’t want you to fear me, baby. I don’t want you to run from me. I want you to run to me. Because I want to run to you.”
I stared at him, at his gorgeous face in the moonlight, at his dark hair wet and slicked back on his head.
“I never imagined wanting to run to any woman. Even my former girlfriend, and we were pretty serious. But you… You stir something in me. You draw me in. And God help me, I want to be drawn in. I want to cocoon myself in you. Your beauty. Your goodness. Your amazingness. I’ve never wanted a woman this much.”
I trembled, even in the warmth of the night. “I don’t know if I can give you everything you want.”
“Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not asking for sex. Though I won’t lie to you. I’d love to make love to you right now. But what I feel is more than that. It goes beyond the physical, beyond the emotional, even. I’m not even sure I can put it into words.”
His words made sense to me. Because, though I was afraid of the physical, I understood exactly what he meant by “beyond the physical.” But how could we have anything if I was afraid of the very essence of a relationship between a man and a woman? And how could I explain that to him? Because I did want him. And yes, I wanted him physically. I wanted him as much as I feared the act.
Did my desire overwhelm my fear?
There was only one way to find out.
I took his hand. “Take me to the cabana.”
“Baby, you don’t have to do this.”
“Take me now,” I said. “Before I lose my nerve.”
“All right.” He led me out of the water and to the cabana where our clothes lay on the bed. We brushed the sand off our feet.
The bed looked massive, and it grew larger with every beat of my heart.
But I wasn’t going to run away in fear. He wanted me to run to him. I would run to him.
And I hoped I’d find the part of me that had been missing for so long.
He touched my cheek, his fingers burning my skin. “I need you to tell me first. Tell me…” He cleared his throat. “Are you a virgin?”