I was about to interject when she continued. “For example, take Seth. He made up his mind that yo
u are—to use an antiquated term—a lady killer. Someone who enjoys the chase more than the person they’re pursuing. I have my doubts if that’s true.”
“Oh, do you now? Since when?”
“Since my best friend told me you were exactly the man she needed in Vegas.”
I didn’t know what to say. So, I said nothing.
Had Sage truly told Ally that? Sage had intimated such the night she’d told me about the baby, but still, it was a lot to believe. Or was my sister-in-law trying to repay me for helping her and Seth when they’d broken up due to a rift, and now was trying to match-make?
“I’m not talking in the carnal sense.”
“Good, because no, thank you, and also,” I pointed at her son, “little ears.”
Ally fussed with the blanket she was still folding and refolding. She probably didn’t want to have this conversation any more than I did. But she must think it mattered enough to try. That Sage and I mattered enough.
I’d given up hoping anyone would want us together other than us, and Sage was now possibly a no-go on that topic too. I was well and truly a party of one.
Minus my father. He would probably be overjoyed, assuming I didn’t screw shit up.
Which I had. Royally.
“Seth said some things I didn’t agree with. His heart was in the right place, but his mouth was not. You’re his brother. You have to know he sometimes fumbles the ball when he’s in the end zone.”
“He’s the one happily married with a beautiful wife and two adorable kids. Who am I to judge?” I kept my tone light, but as I asked the question, I realized I believed what I was saying wholeheartedly.
I’d always comforted myself with the thought that Seth was the fuckup brother. I was the one who didn’t make big mistakes. There were no baby mamas in my life, no major dramas. It was smooth sailing. And I also lived much of my life alone, while his was so very full.
“None of us ever believed you wanted that,” Ally said softly, stroking Alexander’s chubby arm as he stirred.
“Including me. Especially me. Here you go. He’s going to want something I can’t provide soon enough.” I started to hand back her son, but she shook her head.
“He’s full as a horse. He just wants extra comforting, I think. Hold him a little closer.”
I did as she said, shifting him against my chest. Alexander’s little hand sneaked out and grabbed the lapel of my jacket. And there was a surprising tightening in my throat, followed by the urge to tuck him even closer to inhale his baby smell. Talcum powder and laundry detergent and little boy.
Would I have one of those? Or would ours be a little girl like Laurie, full of laughter and fun and impetuousness?
“See, he’s fine. He loves you already.”
I took a deep breath. “How does anyone know how to do this?”
“To be a parent? You’re asking the wrong person, bucko. I’m new to the game.”
“But it fits you naturally. Some of us have no clue.”
“Are you sure about that? You can’t see yourself and how perfectly he’s snuggled into your arms. As if he belongs there.”
“All just an act. I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“None of us do. We just keep trying and hope the kid doesn’t end up in therapy. Or if he does, that he doesn’t send us the bill.” She grinned and patted my arm. “I’m going to go check on the other two. Be right back.”
I held Alexander while he slept, feeling utterly inadequate. And replayed her words in my head for the rest of that day and the days that followed.
Maybe Ally was right. It wasn’t possible to get parenthood perfectly. I hadn’t gotten wooing Sage perfectly either. Even anywhere close. But that wasn’t the goal. Neither was it to have a sterile, uneventful life.
That wasn’t truly living, not after I’d had the whirlwind known as Sage Evans crash into my world. I wanted more of her laughter and her curiosity and her zest for experiences. I just wanted her.