Grace for Drowning

He let out a long sigh. "Logan's not like other people. I can't pretend like I know everything that goes on in that man's head — he's a mystery, even to himself — but I know the things he's been through and, like I told you, that shit leaves scars. Deep ones. The kind that can hijack your brain, make you do things you don't want to do."

"I know, I mean, we talked a lot. I just thought..." I didn't know how to finish that sentence. What had I thought? That love would conquer all our problems? That we were destined to be together forever? Everything had felt so idyllic between us, but obviously that was just naivety, the calm before the storm. "I guess it wasn't what I thought it was."

He chewed some invisible object for several seconds. "He does care about you, Grace. A lot. He wouldn't have reacted this way if he didn't."

"Apparently not enough." I spat the words, as if I could cleanse some of the bitterness from my body by hurling it out into the world.

"If anything, it's the opposite. I think he cared too much. I've known the man a long time. I saw him with Fi and with the others, and he never looked at any of them like he looked at you. He was...better, around you. Lighter. It worried me, because I always knew it had the potential to break him, but it was also wonderful to see. He deserved a little happiness."

My heart constricted. I wanted to believe that was true but, even if I did, it only made the pain worse. It meant some problems were just insurmountable.

"How is he now?" I couldn't help it. I wanted to know. Despite what he'd done, I couldn't just stop caring about him.

There was a pause. "Not good. Probably the worst I've ever seen him, to tell you the truth."

I didn't know if that made me happy or sad. Part of me wanted him to be hurting, because it meant our relationship had been real and had meant something. But, even now, I hated the idea of him being in pain.

"Are you sure he won't come?" I asked. "Maybe if you just ask him again..."

Charlie shook his head sadly. It was such a tiny gesture, but it crashed over me like a breaking wave.

"So what do I do?" I felt this incredible sense of dread descending upon me like an avalanche. Until now, there had still been some shred of hope. I didn't even know if I could forgive Logan for what he'd done, but maybe I'd have found a way. Now that didn't matter. He wasn't coming. I was alone.

I had no idea how to go on. Everything suddenly seemed hopeless. I realized I'd made all these plans for the future, and Logan was in every one. Why did this keep

happening to me? First Tom, and now this. Once again, I was left with just the abyss.

"You focus on getting better."

"Why?" I asked. I really wanted him to come up with something, some tiny motivation for me to keep going.

"Because Logan would want you to."

I wasn't sure if that was enough.

Chapter Twenty Four

Logan

She was awake. She was actually awake. I couldn't fucking believe it. The last time I'd seen her, she'd been at death's door. Nobody should have survived that. Yet she had. She was expected to make a full recovery, and I wasn't there. It was the most bittersweet news I'd ever heard.

When Charlie had first told me she was conscious, all I could think about was going to her. I wanted to see her smile, to touch her face, to hold her and tell her how goddamn sorry I was. But with that urge came a crippling wave of shame. She wasn't going to welcome me with open arms, not after I'd abandoned her. I'd committed the ultimate crime, one from which there was no coming back. She may not have died, but that didn't matter. For me, she was as good as gone.

I seized my whiskey and took a long slug, polishing off the last fifth of the bottle. It burned so sweetly on its way down, and I felt my muscles relax. I hated that I was so weak. A year of fighting the booze, of fighting myself, and now it was all for nothing. I was back at square one. But what the fuck was the point in sobriety when everything had been stolen from you? My world had crumbled to dust around me. First I lost the ring, and then I lost Grace, too. Those were the only two things that kept me sane. Now, I had nothing left except an army of ghosts and regrets, clawing at me twenty-four hours a day.

Deep down, I'd always known this was going to happen. Things with Grace had been too good to be true. I'd thought maybe enough time had passed that I could be the man she needed, but it was clear now how much of a fucking joke that was. I was always going to ruin this. It was just a question of when.

I hated myself for hurting her. Nothing I'd seen on deployment compared to this. I'd betrayed the woman I loved. There was no getting over that. The only solace I could take from it was that, ultimately, she'd be better off. I'd torn myself from her life, and now she could start to rebuild without the weight of my past constantly bearing down on her. She had her family around her again. She had Joy and Charlie. She was strong, and she was going to get over it.

As for me, well, I deserved everything that had come to me.

Chapter Twenty Five

Grace

My parents visited every day. I went through the motions, catching them up on the first year of my life out here and being caught up on New York in return. It was empty chatter, but I think it made them feel better. Plus it offered something of a distraction.

At first, I avoided talking about Tom or anything that had happened since. It felt pointless to give them any more ammunition. But one day I opened my mouth and it all came spilling out. I think maybe I was challenging them, challenging the universe to shit on me one more time, but, to my surprise, I was greeted with sympathy and understanding. I don't know if they really got it, but they reacted exactly like parents should; no backhanded comments or judgmental looks, just hugs and kind words. I felt like I were eleven years old again, pouring my heart out to my mother after whatever pseudo-disaster had rocked my little childhood world, and it felt really good.