Clearly agitated, she shakes her head, her cheeks a little flushed. “I wasn’t doing anything.”
“You’re being a bitch to Nikki, and I don’t like it.”
Her face reveals the sort of stunned betrayal that looks genuine. I remember that feeling, too, and it sends a wave of discomfort slithering down my spine.
What if Mallory isn’t in the wrong here? What if Derek is lying to me? It’s not like he’s never lied before. If he’s not lying, she’s a psycho, but if he is, this girl is probably legitimately confused by his coldness. I know he’s not above playing these games, because he used to play me and Kayla against each other. I know exactly how cruel he can be. I know the damage he can do to your heart when he turns on a dime and shreds you with his indifference. The girl holding a package of unopened juice boxes right now definitely looks like he just sliced her open.
And if he doesn’t bring girls around Cassidy, why was Mallory at some nature trail with him, teaching Cassidy to skip rocks? That’s exactly the sort of thing we would do with her.
I can’t stand here anymore. Ducking under Derek’s arm, I move away from him and toward the sliding doors.
“Hey,” he says, grabbing the skirt of my swimsuit and tugging me back. “Where are you going?”
“Back outside.”
“Why?”
I shake my head and push his hand off my skirt, walking outside instead of fumbling for a coherent reason. What I really want to do is leave, but I can’t. I don’t fit in here, I don’t want to fit in here, and doubting Derek reminds me of the worst parts of having him in my life.
“Nikki, wait,” he says, following me out on the patio. “Stop. Talk to me.”
He catches my arm, but I pull out of his grasp just as fast. “I don’t want to. This is exactly what I didn’t want to deal with, Derek. This is exactly why I told you I didn’t want to come here. This is not hook-up stuff, this is girlfriend stuff. This is relationship stuff. I don’t have time for a relationship, and if I did, you’re the last person any woman in her right mind would want one with. I’ve seen how you play, Derek. I let you drive me crazy with your bullshit once. I’m not going crazy a second time. I refuse. Say what you will about Henry, I never had to deal with shit like this with him.”
“Oh, please,” he says, rolling his eyes. “Do not compare me to that fucking suit. I know you love your chickenshit safe picks, Nikki, but let’s be fucking realistic here; there’s no comparison.”
“You are so full of yourself,” I tell him, shaking my head. “You’re not God’s gift to the world.”
Shaking his head, he says, “Yeah, I know, Nikki, I’m the worst thing to ever happen to you. I’ve heard.”
“I want to go home,” I tell him.
“No.”
Narrowing my eyes at him, I repeat dangerously, “No?”
“That’s right, no.”
“You’re not my boss,” I inform him.
“Nope, but I am your ride, and I’m not going watch you run away again. I didn’t do anything this time, Nikki. You’re looking for a reason to push me away right now, I get it, but I did not give you one.”
“I don’t need a reason. We are not in a relationship. This is literally why we are not in a relationship, Derek. I can walk away if I don’t like the way you tie your shoes. I don’t need a reason to stop coming around.
We are not committed to each other in any way.”
“And yet you flip the fuck out because I kissed someone else when I didn’t even know if I’d ever see you again. That makes perfect sense.”
I roll my eyes at his accusation. “Yeah, because that’s exactly what happened. Way to rewrite history, Derek.”
“I’m trying my damndest to rewrite history, Nikki, and you’re doing your damndest to stop me.” We’re starting to draw attention, so Derek makes a point to lower his voice, pushing his hand through his hair. “Look, I know I didn’t handle things right before. I know that. I let a lot shit happen when I should have put my foot down. I should have stood up for you. I should have protected us ahead of all that other shit. I didn’t know that then, but I paid the damn price, Nikki. You fucking left me. You walked right out of my life. I got the message—not good enough. And I’m trying my damndest to be good enough for you this time, but you’re even more closed off now than you were back then, and I’m having a really hard time getting through that. You’re ready to leave me because I didn’t answer a fucking hypothetical question the right way, Nikki. How do I prove myself to you when you don’t want me to?”
Shaking my head, I try to figure out what to tell him. I don’t know if the problem is that I can’t, or I won’t. I can only tell him the same thing so many times. Derek and I have the same problems now we had when we met. Maybe these are the same problems we will always have. I wanted to keep my distance when he forced me to hook up with him back then, when he burrowed under my walls since he couldn’t get through them, when he tricked me into a relationship. I insisted there wasn’t more to it, I insisted we were only hooking up—friends with benefits at most, and here I am again. He’s doing it all over again, the difference is the first time he had the benefit of the doubt. I didn’t know for a fact our story would end in that kind of pain, but I don’t have that excuse this time. Now I know how the ride ends, because we’re hitting all the same destinations, only a few years later and with a child in the back seat.
“I can’t do this,” I tell him quietly. “You don’t want string-free and casual. You want more than I can ever offer you, Derek. This isn’t like before. Like you said, I am more closed off now. I do have more defenses up than I did then, and do you remember how hard I fought you even then?” Shaking my head, meeting his gaze with sorrow and sympathy and everything in between. “You won’t win this time, Derek. I know too much. I’ll never let you.”
“Nikki, please don’t do this. Not again,” he says, reaching a hand for me.
Tears are already welling up in my eyes. “We’re only going to hurt each other. The longer this goes on, the more it’s going to hurt. I can’t play house with you anymore, Derek, because I can never fill that role. I just can’t. There’s not enough of me left.”