His voice is hard, like if he’s adamant enough, he can argue me out of what I know about myself. “That is not true. I refuse to believe that.”
Shrugging, I turn away before I embarrass myself. “Refuse all you want. The truth is the truth, no matter who refuses to believe it.”
“Nikki, come on.”
I know I need to get out of here. I’m still feeling strong, and I need to get the hell out of here before he weakens me. Instead of standing here and listening to him anymore, I head back toward Joanna to retrieve the beach bag. Most of the stuff in there is Cassidy’s, so I won’t take it with me, but I need my keys and my phone so I can call a car. I can’t Uber all the way home, but I can get a ride to a rental car place.
That’s the plan, until Derek rips the beach bag out of my hand while I’m searching.
“Derek,” I object, looking up at him.
Without a word, he locks his hand around my wrist and drags me back toward the house. As he drags me, Mallory comes out with the juice boxes. She appears startled by his hand on my wrist.
“Everything okay?” she asks warily.
“You don’t fucking talk to us,” he tells her as he storms past.
I sigh heavily as he drags me into the house, drags me through the kitchen and dining room, and finally he swings open the bathroom door and shoves me inside.
“I am not fucking you,” I tell him. “You’re out of your damn mind if you think—”
He pulls the door shut behind him, shutting us both inside and locking the door. “Listen to me. There is nothing to be afraid of. I am not trying to bowl past your defenses all at once. I am not asking you to fill any role you’re not ready to fill.”
Cocking my head and planting a hand on my hip in disbelief, I ask, “Are you serious? You flirted with the idea of impregnating me.”
“Okay, I’m not saying I don’t want to move faster, but we don’t have to. I am going at your pace here. I am settling for whatever you’re comfortable enough to give me, even if it’s crumbs, but I can’t be the only one fighting for us, Nikki. I don’t need a relationship, I don’t need the commitment if that spooks you. I’m trying so fucking hard to do this your way, Nikki, but your way is hard. Your way is specifically designed to keep a relationship from ever growing, and guess what? It’s effective.”
“We’re moving too fast for me.”
Leaning his head back against the wall with a deliberate thump, Derek looks like he’s trying hard to hold onto his shit. “Nikki, we aren’t even moving.”
With an admittedly defensive shrug, I tell him, “Well, that’s all I have to give. I just tried to end things last night, I specifically told you I didn’t want to come here today, and you ignored me. I understand the gesture you wanted to make, but you can’t be floored that I’m saying the same shit today I said last night.”
“And you can’t be floored that I said I’d fight for you, and that’s what I’m doing. I told you I wouldn’t quit on you this time, no matter how fucking hard you made it. Here’s me not quitting, Nikki.”
“Well, it’s time to quit, Derek. I’m calling it. There’s no point continuing to fight, because we’re never going to win. You know how desperately I wanted to believe that Kayla getting pregnant didn’t have to be the end of us, but it was, Derek. That was the end, and every moment that we have held on since, we’ve just been refusing to accept it. I wish I’d been the one you knocked up in high school, I do. But because it was Kayla, because of who we all are, this relationship is not salvageable. It’s just not.” I shake my head. “I’m not 18 anymore. I can’t fight a losing battle with you, and I don’t want you to either. I don’t ever want you to end up like me, and this fight? It wears you out, and it grinds your heart until there’s nothing left.”
“Nikki...”
“I just…” I pause, trying to think of the right way to explain it. There’s no good way to say what I need to say to him. “I liked it better when I couldn’t feel anything. I used to love that you were the only person who could strip my guards and my control away from me, but I had hope it might end well back then, and I don’t anymore. I made myself vulnerable for you, I took a chance on love, and I got decimated. I can’t live through that again.”
“I told you how sorry I am—”
Tears burn behind my eyes again, welling up almost instantly. “It doesn’t matter if you’re sorry. It doesn’t erase the memories of those nights I legitimately felt like I would rather die than keep enduring that pain. Do you have any idea how deeply I came to understand what drove my mom to do what she did, Derek? I don’t even think she regrets dying. I think she probably felt the same way—better to end it all than feel all that shit. I don’t let anything defeat me, so I had to learn to live with it. I learned to build with my pain and loneliness the way you build with drywall and lumber. You build your houses, and I built myself a fortress of solitude, and you know what? I like it. I like my fortress. I like my safety. I like knowing that I will never let someone far enough into my life that their absence will cripple me, and everything you want from me requires me to give that up. I’ve given up enough for you, Derek. I’ve reached my limit. I won’t give up the safety net I’ve painstakingly stitched together. I won’t.”
Stepping forward, cradling my face in his hands with a ferocity that borders on desperate, he says, “I swear to God, you’re safe with me this time. I’ll never let you feel that way again. I’ll do everything in my power to keep your heart safe, Nikki. I can be your safety net, if you’ll just let me.”
I meet his gaze with sad certainty. “No, you can’t.”
He should give up. This is the part where he should give up. His beautiful golden head should drop forward, or he should run a hand through his hair, maybe bang it against the wall again. Maybe my words and his defeat will make him angry or sad, but this is the part where any sane man would throw in the towel. I’m not giving him anything back, and I’m trying to break up with him even though we aren’t dating. I am telling him, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I will never give him what he wants. Maybe because I can’t, but even if it’s within my capabilities, I won’t. I refuse to risk my heart for him again.
I wait for him to give up, my heart hanging by an invisible string. I don’t know what it’s waiting for. I’m blatantly pushing him away. Before it was circumstances, but now it’s me.
“You’re the most frustrating person I have ever met,” he finally says, his hands dropping from the sides of my face.
My gaze drops to the tile floor. “Yeah, I know.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t know what to say.”