She hoped she was going to be a good mother. She thought she would, but most people probably figured they would be good parents—didn't mean they would be.
Julie was off to a shoddy start what with being the impregnated mistress and ripping her poor kid off in the parent department, but she would just have to make up for it.
Before taking her cereal in to eat while she watched some television, Julie decided to go to the bathroom.
Poppy Seed was making her bladder a little more active than usual, too, but she was beginning to grow accustomed to the early pregnancy symptoms, and since she was practically alone all the time, she had all but quit recognizing the extra gassiness.
While she went to the bathroom, Julie contemplated whether she wanted to watch an actual movie or some reruns. She hated to read while she ate, because she always felt like she would get food on the pages.
When she was done going to the bathroom and she wiped, her heart dropped to the floor and she forgot to breathe, all thoughts of television rushing out of her head as her blood rushed to her toes.
There was blood on the toilet paper.
"Oh my God," she murmured. "Stay calm," she told herself, trying to keep her hand from shaking as she got some more toilet paper and wiped again.
There was blood on that one too, and when her chest constricted she realized she hadn't been breathing.
"No," she said, fumbling to pull her jeans up and practically sprinting out to the living area, trying to remember where she had put her cell phone.
"Cell phone, cell phone, cell phone—Oh, God," she said, incoherently looking around as if it would appear if she were only desperate enough.
Kitchen—she had been in the kitchen.
She felt shaky and she could feel bile rising in the back of her throat, but she tried to breathe in gulps of air just long enough to locate her phone and quickly dial the first phone number that came to mind.
"Hello?" answered the voice on the other end, sounding a little bit confused.
"Can you—" she said, but her voice broke as her tone hit near-hysterical. She exhaled with some effort and said, "I need—Can you come give me a ride?"
"What are you talking about?" he asked. "Where are you?"
"I'm at the apartment and I need to go to the hospital and I can't breathe, so I can't drive," she said hysterically. "I'm bleeding, I need to go to the hospital."
There was a split second of silence, and then he said, "I'll b- I'll be there as quick as I can. Can you go downstairs and wait in the lobby? I don't want to take the time to park—”
"Yes," she said, not even letting him finish. "Just please come get me, I'm freaking out here."
"Don't freak out, stay calm. Breathe, Julie, you're going to be fine," he said firmly.
"Okay," she said obediently, attempting to breathe while she felt like there was a vice crushing her chest.
She could hear him tell someone, "I have to go, there's an emergency."
"Where—?" asked a female in the background.
"I'll call you later," he said hurriedly. "Julie, do you need me to stay on the phone with you?"
"No," she said shakily. "I'll be fine, I'm just going to get… my purse, I don't know where I put my purse. I need my… my identification stuff, just… just come get me please, I'll let you go so you can come get me. I'm so sorry to just call you freaking out like this, I just didn't know what to do and I just…dialed."
"Don't apologize. Just sit down, take some deep breaths and calm down. Stressing out isn’t good for the baby. I'll be there as soon as I can get there."
"Thank you," she said in a small voice.
When she got off the phone, she sat down on the couch and tried to practice her breathing, but her mind was racing too fast to focus on breathing.
Was she losing the baby? Bleeding was not a good sign, and it wasn't even light enough to be considered spotting. Could she be losing the baby? How would you know?
Pain. She had always heard miscarrying was painful, and she wasn't in any pain… except in her chest, but that was anxiety and it started after the bleeding. Would it be painful that early? Her baby was only a poppy seed, after all, what if…?