“Don’t you say that!” Pain shoots through my knees when I fall to the floor in front of him. I point at the door. “Miracles happen every day behind that door.”
“Not today they don’t.”
I’m not as ready to accept such a horrific and unwelcomed outcome. Not today. “We don’t know anything yet.”
“I know I haven’t done enough to convince the doctors to try harder, and now it’s too late.”
“I will not let you take the blame for somethin’ as fucked up as cancer. Regardless of what happens, your mother needs you to be strong. Erinn and I need you to be strong, and whether you like it or not, you need you to be strong.”
“Why are you here?” he asks, with the same cold distance I felt from Erinn moments ago.
“I’m here for you, and for your family. I care about you.” He turns his head, refusing to look at me. “I know you’re upset, and if you want me to go, I will.”
His head twists back to me, his eyes as cold as ice. “I want you to go.”
“No you don’t.” I ease up to my feet, using the wall for support. “You want to push me away so you don’t have to feel. You want to hurt me, but I’m not giving up on you. Not right now.”
He stands up and leans with his back against the wall. I stare right though him, willing him to look at me. He won’t. “I took what I wanted from you, like I said I would. We fucked. We had a great time screwin’, but I’m over it. Leave. Go back to Wyatt. Find a guy that believes in love and fairytales, because it ain’t me, sweetheart.”
I’m too angry to cry as he shreds my heart into irreparable little pieces. “You don’t mean that.”
“Oh, yes I do. Don’t act so shocked. I was honest with. I told you who I was.”
“No, you told me you wanted to fuck. You didn’t say you were completely heartless.”
“Well, now you know. So leave!”
I shake my head frantically and lift up on my tiptoes to look him in the eye. “You tell me you don’t love me, and I’m gone.”
He laughs from deep in his chest, but maintains my gaze, his dormant, and void of its usual vibrant intensity. “I don’t love you.”
Four little words packed with tremendous pain. Four little words he said far too easily. Four little words that finally sink in, causing me to burn with hatred for him. I swallow a sob and say, “I finally discovered your flaw, McCoy. You’re a fuckin’ coward. You love me. You’re just too damn scared to admit it. You think you’re strong enough to go through this alone, but you’re not. So, push me away, keep punishin’ yourself, but when you finally realize how much you need me, I might not be here.”
I turn and run until I’m out of the hospital, but I halt halfway to my car. He may not want me here, but I’m not leaving without saying goodbye to Evelyn.
Her frail hand reaches for me. I suck in a ragged breath as I take her hand and try to hold back tears. They’re stronger than my will and fall effortlessly from my eyes.
“Promise me you won’t give up on him?” she says, tears spilling from her eyes.
“I promise.”
She closes her eyes, her lips still smiling. I hold her hand for several minutes, before I quietly tell her goodbye, and how much I’ll miss her. I whisper how I’ll take care of Battle and Erinn for her, and I thank her for being in my life.
I exit the hospital full of rage. Angry with God, with cancer, with the doctors who can do nothing to save Evelyn—but mostly consumed with how much Battle’s words hurt. I know he loves me. Pushing me away soothes his ever present need to punish himself for things he has no control over, but none the less feels responsible for. His hurtful words play over and over in my mind, but it’s the hate I saw in his eyes that truly cripples me. His anger has imprisoned his heart, and made him believe he doesn’t love me.
I spot his Harley, parked near the front of the lot. My emotions can’t be suppressed as I approach the bike.
Anger and hate, sadness and despair, hopelessness and regret—a tornado of emotions that have my head spinning as I kick his bike over. While it crashing to the ground isn’t an enormous production of flying parts and fire, the satisfaction of it lying on its side with a cracked wi
ndshield is immensely satisfying.
When I reach my car, part of me wants to go back inside and demand Battle quit acting like a heartless asshole. I want to be there for him, but the other part of me is too hurt, too angry, and certain I should have never taken a risk on Battle McCoy.
The promise I made to his mother taunts me. How am I going to keep it when he’s going to do everything he can to keep me away?
I text Marty before I leave the parking lot that I need a friend. She text back that she’ll be over in twenty-minutes. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her.
Marty turns up at my house a few minutes after I get home. She allows me to cry on her shoulder, literally. I drenched her blouse with tears and snot. I fall asleep and awake when her phone rings. She nods and then looks at me with concern. I don’t have to hear her say it, and I tell her not to as she ends the phone call.