“That’s your romantic side playing tricks on your rational brain.”
“We’re making progress—a couple of days ago you didn’t think I had a brain at all.”
“You still believe in true love and all that even after Richard?”
“What I had with Richard wasn’t love. I wanted it to be love and for a while I wondered if it might be, but it wasn’t.”
“How do you know?” He wondered why he was having this conversation with her when all his instincts were screaming at him to kill it dead.
“Because love is honest and unselfish. And it isn’t demanding.” She spoke softly, her words the only sound in the stillness of the winter day. “It’s a cup of tea in bed on a cold day, it’s a foot rub when you’ve walked for hours, it’s a listening ear and an encouraging word. It’s encouraging, accepting, tolerating, not trying to change. It’s give, not take. Action, not words.”
Tension rippled across his shoulders.
You don’t love me, Alec. I know you don’t lov
e me. Tell me. Say the words.
“Are you saying you don’t want to hear those words?”
“Of course, every woman does, but I’d rather have a man show me he loves me than tell me because words mean nothing by themselves.”
They’d reached the beech wood, and the trees clustered together, snowy sentinels guarding the inner sanctum.
“How do you know?” He paused at the edge of the wood. “How do you ever know if it’s love?”
There was a long silence. “I asked Lily that question the other night. She said her heart felt too big for her chest.”
“She should see a cardiologist.”
She laughed. “Maybe, but I guess if you don’t know if it’s love, then it isn’t.”
The dogs circled happily, excited to be outdoors.
“So why did you stick it out with Richard if it wasn’t love?”
“I persuaded myself that it might be.” There was a long silence. “Dating Richard was the first thing I’d ever done that pleased my parents. Finally I had their approval and it felt good. I know it’s crazy for an independent woman to need, or ever want, the approval of their parents, but I did. I do.”
“It sounds like a human response to me. And it might have worked between you.”
“We would have been miserable.’ She frowned. ‘I should have realized that before but relationships aren’t that clear, are they? It’s not like buying a food item that comes with a list of ingredients you can check in case there’s something that you’re allergic to. People are complicated. And Richard had a tendency to present only the ingredients he knew people wanted.”
“You’re saying he turned himself into organic red velvet cake to appeal to your palate?”
She laughed. “In my case it would be chocolate brownie.” Her smile faded. “Honestly? It wasn’t just about pleasing my parents. I wanted to be in love. Really in love. I tell everyone I believe in it, but the truth is I’ve never actually felt it. I’ve never been in love. Not the sort of love I want.” He could walk away now. He could make some comment about how they needed to get back. But something, some invisible thread, kept his feet welded to the snowy ground.
“What sort of love do you want?”
“I want to feel like Lily, as if my heart is too big for my chest. My feelings for Richard—and his for me—were like being on a low-carb diet. I was permanently starving and craving something more substantial. When it comes to love I want a feast. How about you? Do you think you’ll fall in love again?”
“I hope not. I intend to do everything in my power to avoid it.”
Her eyes widened. “You don’t want love in the future?”
“No. I enjoy the life I lead too much to give it up for love.”
“Why would you have to give it up?” She sounded puzzled. “You make it sound as if you have to choose between them.”
He thought back to the prison of his marriage. “My lifestyle isn’t compatible with a relationship.”