“Surely that depends on the relationship.”
“No. Relationships require compromise. Two people with different goals, struggling to find some areas of common ground. In practice, that means giving up the things you love or only doing them some of the time.” Accounting for every minute of his time. Falling short of expectations. Failing.
“Wow, Professor, you make it sound as much fun as root-canal treatment. Carry on talking like that and you could even put me off romance. It sounds selfish and like a whole lot of hard work. Why would anyone want that?” He didn’t. He didn’t want that. “You probably see a lot of different versions of love. Men probably come to you for Christmas, birthdays and Valentine’s Day to buy shiny jewelry that will save their relationships.”
“All the shiny jewelry in the world can’t save a relationship that isn’t working. The best I can do is design something that is a permanent expression of the emotion one of the partners feels.”
“What would you design to evoke exasperation?”
She laughed. “I’m going to have to get back to you on that. Generally jewelry is positive. So far I haven’t made the ‘root canal’ collection. I’m not sure it would be a big seller.”
“But you believe in the fairy tale. That’s what you want.” It was a relief to discover he’d been right about something where she was concerned. “A huge diamond, a white wedding, two children, a dog and a house in the Hamptons.”
“I don’t think love is a fairy tale. And I don’t believe love is a diamond, a white wedding, two children, a dog and a house in the Hamptons. That’s a lifestyle, not love. You can have those things without love and you can love without those things. I don’t have any ambition to get married.” She glanced at him, amused. “You don’t believe me, do you? You think I’m one of those women who says ‘I don’t want to get married’ while secretly choosing dresses on the internet. Honestly, that isn’t me. If marriage happens, great. But it isn’t marriage I want, it’s love. I grew up in a stable home with parents who were legally committed to each other. But I didn’t see love. I wanted love.”
“Of course. You’re an artist. You probably lay on your back in a field of sunflowers dreaming of it.”
Her laugh was infectious and he found himself smiling, too. There was something about her that lifted the mood of every room she entered.
“The dream was to find someone who loves me. The real me. Not a different improved version, but the one standing in front of him, flaws and all. Someone I never have to pretend with, never have to put on an act with.” Her voice was serious, and all traces of laughter had gone. “Someone who thinks my dreams are brilliant and possible, not ridiculous and impossible. Honest and simple love.”
It didn’t sound simple to him. It sounded as statistically likely as winning the lottery.
“What if someone thinks they know who you are and you know they’re wrong?” His mouth was dry. “What if you spend your time trying to live up to something when you know you can only fail?”
“Then it isn’t love.” A frown creased her forehead. “And you can’t fail at love, Alec. It isn’t an exam, it’s a feeling. You either have it or you don’t and if you don’t that might be sad, but it isn’t failure.”
It felt like failure to him.
The constant simmering knowledge that he was falling short of every expectation.
Nelson darted into the trees then turned and barked.
Sky tucked her chin inside her scarf and they followed him into the woods. Snow clung to the trees and carpeted the ground and the dogs bounded ahead, kicking up a shower of white as they paused to dig and explore. “Being with Richard always made me feel bad about myself. It was nothing major, just small criticisms, but the result is a slow erosion of who you are, like filing the edges of someone to try to change their shape. Be more of this and less of that. With him, I tried to be less me.”
He gave a humorless laugh. “Whereas I refused to be anything but me. And both of us ended up in the same place. How did you meet him?”
“My parents introduced us and we bonded instantly. He was fun, handsome—we liked the same things. Or I thought we did.” She brushed snow from her sleeve. “We talked all night. It was a meeting of souls. Like me, he wanted to travel. We both loved the Impressionists and he told me that flying to Paris to see Monet’s collection was high on his wish list. He wanted to visit Florence and eat gelato. He wanted to tour the Greek islands. I couldn’t believe I’d met someone so like me. It was the most romantic evening I’d ever had and I thought that was it. I saw a fabulous future for us.”
“This is like reading a book where I already know the ending.”
She was silent for a moment. “I still haven’t got my head round the ending. I can’t accept that he didn’t really want to do any of those things, even though the evidence was right there in front of me. In the year we were together, we never went to Paris to see Monet and we never took a trip to Florence. I bought tickets to concerts he was too busy to attend and went to galle
ries on my own. I did go to Greece, but that was to visit Brittany and Lily. I made excuses, the way people so often do when you know instinctively that things aren’t right but you don’t want to give up on them. I told myself we were both busy, that coordinating our schedules was a nightmare, that it would get better. It didn’t.”
“So everything he said to you—”
“Lies.” She picked up a pinecone and slipped it into her pocket. “Richard is the consummate politician. He knows exactly what to say to get the result he wants. He studied me, in the same way my parents made me study all those people who came in and out of our house.”
“But how would he have even known those things about you in advance?”
She stooped to pick up the end of a branch that had snapped under the weight of snow, her hair sliding forward in a shiny curtain. “Because my parents briefed him.”
“They—” He was shocked. His parents meddled a little and worried, but … “You’re saying they orchestrated the whole thing?”
“Right down to the finale. Richard talked to them about proposing to me.”
Alec ran his hand over his jaw. “I’m starting to understand why you threatened to stab a certain part of me that night.”