First Time in Forever (Puffin Island 1)

“Was she?” His grandmother looked thoughtful. “That explains a great deal.”

“Does it?”

“She’s afraid the child will look forward to seeing you, and the next step on from that is expecting to see you, and you don’t want that, do you? It’s one thing to take a little girl on a boat trip when it fits into your day, but you don’t want to feel pressure to do it. Same goes for swimming, sailing, walking Cocoa and all those other things.” Agnes opened on

e of the windows to let air into the room. “Better not to do them at all. That way you can be sure of protecting your personal space and making sure you live life alone, the way you prefer it. No one is ever going to want anything, expect anything or demand anything of you. You’re free to go wherever the wind blows you.”

Ryan looked at his grandmother in exasperation. “You’re a conniving, manipulative—”

“I’m describing your life, Ryan. That’s all. The life you chose. The life you want. I don’t see how that makes me conniving or manipulative.”

“You’re trying to make me question my choices.”

“If it’s the right choice, then no one can make you waver. Take me as an example—” she stood back and looked around her “—you can tell me I’m making the wrong decision as many times as you like, but I’m not going to doubt myself even for a second.”

“Are we talking about my life or the house? Because if it’s the house, my opinion is that it’s a big step. You should take some time to think about it.”

“When you reach my age, you don’t waste precious time letting your brain talk you out of something your heart already knows is right.”

Ryan stared at her. “She made it sound as if I didn’t care. As if Lizzy doesn’t matter to me.”

“And does she?”

“Of course! I was as worried about Lizzy as she was. And I was worried about her.” And the thought of her, anxious and alone in the hospital with no one to support her had driven him demented when he’d been trapped. “I thought I’d proved that by flying through a storm to get to the hospital—a place, I might add, that makes me want to swallow alcohol in large quantities.” He paced to the other side of the room which, given the distance, didn’t do anything to relieve his tension. “Can we talk about something else?”

“You can talk about anything you like. I believe you were expressing your opinion on my new home.” The words were infused with patience and love, and Ryan felt a rush of guilt.

“I’m sorry.” He pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose and sent her an apologetic look. “It’s been a stressful few days. First, Lizzy being sick—”

“Yes, that was a worrying time for the whole island. I know people were very relieved when Kirsti put that message up at the Ocean Club.”

“She had people asking her every two minutes.” His insides felt ripped and raw. He wondered if it was the hospital visit that had affected his mood so profoundly. “I guess I thought Emily and I were friends.”

“I’m sure you are. But Emily has been thrown into the role of mother and she’s trying to protect Lizzy.”

He knew how important that was to her, but he hated to think she saw him as a threat to Lizzy’s happiness. “I don’t see why I’m such a threat. Emily is planning on staying on the island, and I’m not going anywhere.”

“I think she’s more concerned about your emotional presence than your geographical location.” His grandmother removed her glasses and tucked them into her purse. “Whereas you seem very concerned about my geographical location. Does it bother you where I live?”

“I guess I find it hard to imagine you living anywhere but Harbor House. You’ve lived there since—” He broke off, and she nodded slowly.

“Since your parents died. I know how long I’ve lived there, Ryan. My brain is perfectly fine. It’s my joints that aren’t behaving themselves. I moved in to that big old house because I had my four wonderful grandchildren to care for. You’d lost your parents, and I didn’t want you to lose your home, too. But things change. Needs change. This will be better for me. I can walk as far as Hilda’s cottage, and I know most of the people living here. I won’t have to rely on you and Rachel for lifts.”

“We don’t mind.”

“I mind. I already made you take too much responsibility in your life. I see that now. I made mistakes.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is true. You’d lost your parents. Your life changed overnight, and suddenly instead of riding your bike and your skateboard, you were reading bedtime stories and learning how to braid hair. And you did a fine job. It’s because of you that Rachel has kept her sweet, generous nature. You gave her the security she’d lost. You were there when she needed you, but you were a child, too, and you shouldn’t have had to take that on.”

Thinking of Rachel raised his stress levels. “She’s seeing Jared.”

“I know.”

“He’s a decade older than her.”

“I know that, too.” His grandmother straightened, rubbing her hand over her back. “She’s grown up, and you have to let her make her own decisions, even if some of those decisions aren’t the ones you would have made. Do you think I wanted to see you fly off to dangerous places? No.” It was the first time she’d ever voiced her feelings on the subject, and he realized how selfish he’d been back then, his one and only thought to get away and live his life.