First Time in Forever (Puffin Island 1)

“You never said anything.”

“Because it wasn’t about what I wanted, it was about what you wanted. And you wanted to see the world with nothing and no one holding you back. You had so much hunger inside you. There were so many things you wanted to do. When you left this island, there was a time when I wondered if we’d see you again. You were desperate for an adventure.”

“That didn’t end the way I thought it would.” He thought about Finn, who right at the end had decided the next adventure in his life was going to be home and family.

“When I visited you in that hospital I wished you’d chosen a different path. I went back home at night and cried, but then I pulled out every piece you ever wrote and reminded myself how important those stories were, and I realized that if people like you weren’t telling them, the rest of us wouldn’t know what was happening in the world. I’m proud of you. I probably don’t say that enough. You made the decision that was right for you.”

“Is this your way of telling me to butt out of your decision to sell the house?”

“Who said anything about selling the house?” Agnes walked to the window and stared over the sea. “Moving feels right. Selling doesn’t, and I’m in the lucky position not to have to take that step. I’m not selling Harbor House, I’m giving it to you.”

Ryan couldn’t have been more surprised if she’d told him she was taking up Zumba. “Me?”

“It’s a family house and I rattle around. And before you say anything, I’ve discussed it with the twins and Rachel. They all agree this should be yours. I’ve never been afraid of moving on, Ryan. You shouldn’t be afraid, either.”

“I’m not afraid.”

“No? I shouldn’t be interfering when I’ve just told you Rachel is a grown-up who can make her own decisions, but I’m going to anyway, because the truth is, I feel responsible.”

“Responsible for what?”

“For the fact that you don’t have a family.”

Ryan straightened his shoulders. “How can you be responsible? That’s my choice.”

“Do you think I don’t know why you’ve chosen to live your life free of commitment? Do you think I don’t know how it was for you? You were helping me at an age when you shouldn’t have had a care in the world.”

“Teenagers always have cares.”

“But they are different cares. What you want to do with your future, whether you’ll ever date that cool brunette in your class, whether you’ll be tall enough, smart enough—”

“In other words, selfish cares.”

“Normal cares. Your cares were deeper and heavier and most of the time didn’t include you. You felt as if you had a leash tied to you, and it grew tighter every year. Because of that, you saw family as something that holds you back. You’ve been avoiding it ever since.”

“I’ve been living my life.”

His grandmother smiled. “Having a family doesn’t stop you living your life, although I can see why you would think that way after what happened. I treated you like an adult, but you were still a child. You were still work

ing out what sort of place the world was and how you fit into it.”

“It probably did me good. I needed to think about someone other than myself.” And he realized he needed to do that now. “If you love this place, then that’s all I need to hear. Tell me how I can help.”

“I have one remaining box of Rachel’s old books and toys you can take over to Emily.”

He knew he wouldn’t be welcome. “Just leave a message on Emily’s phone. She can pick them up when she’s next in town.”

“She may not be in town for a while. She’ll want to keep Lizzy at home until she’s back on her feet. I’d like you to take it over for me. I remember when Rachel was sick, she loved having something new to play with and read.”

“I can’t do that.” He paced to the window, staring out over the ocean as he replayed the conversation. “She’s shut me out. I was going to offer to take Lizzy on the boat again. She’s showing all the signs of being a natural sailor. I enjoyed teaching her.”

“Help out at Camp Puffin if you want to do those things with children.”

“I don’t.” He wanted to do them with Lizzy. He remembered the look of concentration on her face when she’d mastered her first knot, the excited gasp the first time the wind had snapped the sails tight. Most of all, he remembered her look of happiness when he’d walked into the room at the hospital.

“I don’t understand why this bothers you. You love your freedom, Ryan. I would have thought you’d be feeling relieved not to be towing a little girl out to see puffins and digging in the sand.”

He realized that those moments had been the happiest he’d had in a long time. Those moments, and the ones he’d spent with Emily.