“If I come home she can come here and I won’t have to deal with her on my own, or in public.”
With a short laugh, I shook my head “You can’t cling to me just so you don’t have to deal with her, Radleigh. It’s not fair on any of us.”
“So you don’t want me back?”
“I want you back. But I want the you you were before she got here. The one who doesn’t keep secrets, remembers to consider my feelings and doesn’t hold hands with his ex who he claims to have no feelings for. I don’t think you’re ready to be that guy yet.”
Radleigh glared at me, but he wasn’t so lost from me that I didn’t see the realisation that I was right in his eyes. It flickered deep in the back of his blues. I wished it wasn’t there. Wished I was being irrational and crazy and jealous. Wished I knew why, after everything she did, he could stand to be near her, let alone let her kiss him and hold his hand.
Taking a deep breath, I looked him straight in the eyes and said, “I need to ask you something. And this is the worst time, but honestly, I don’t think there will ever be a good time. I talked to Josh last night. Told him everything that’s going on. And he said… maybe it would be best if Jessica and I went to the UK for a couple of weeks, until things are more settled.”
Radleigh barked out a laugh, his face hardening. “Not a fucking chance. It’s one thing us having some space, but you’re not taking Jessica away for two weeks. You can go if you want, but you’re not taking her.”
My stomach tightened at the coldness in his words, making me realise that my earlier thought was correct. If our relationship ended, I’d have one hell of a fight on my hands.
“Please can you just think about it?” I asked. “It wouldn’t be forever. Just two weeks and we’ll be back.”
He shook his head. “I don’t need to think about it, Leah. What difference would it make anyway? If you leave, how are we ever going to make this work? How can we sort this out if you’re not here? If you go, you’ll come back to the same mess.”
“This isn’t a problem with us, Radleigh. It’s a problem with you. I know how I feel. I know I want you here, and I want to marry you and I want everything we’ve planned. But you no longer know what you want. Not really. And while you’re out getting photographed with Jen, I have to deal with the aftermath, with people outside the house asking how I feel and if you’re coming back. And I’m doing my best to be okay with that, and to be okay with you spending time with her, but it’s not okay. Every time I see another photo, I feel like you’re taking another step away from me. And I know I told you to go. I know that. But until you know what you want, it wouldn’t matter whether you were here or at your parents’ place. We’d still have issues. I just think it would be better for me and Jessica to not be here for a while.”
We’d taken Jessica to the UK for her first Christmas, to spend it with my family, and now she was a little older, I envisioned taking her to the beaches I used to play on when I was a child and showing her the quirky little sights of the English countryside. Of course, she wouldn’t remember it, but I wanted her to feel that the UK was a part of her, even if she never lived there. And on a selfish note, I wanted to be around my family while the rest of my life was slowly falling apart. I wanted to be somewhere quiet and paparazzi free. Just talking to Josh had made me feel a million times less stressed. To be near him and Chrissie and the kids, and to spend some time with my parents, would do us the world of good.
Radleigh stalked towards me, stopping directly in front of me, his eyes blazing. “I am not letting you take her. End of story. Conversation closed.”
I gritted my teeth, trying to stop the disappointment and frustration flooding out of me. I knew all along what his response would be but somewhere in the depths on my mind I’d hoped he’d understand and be okay with it. I’d fooled myself into thinkin
g he might let us go because staying was too damn hard.
I could have chosen to go alone. But not only did the idea of being without Jessica for two weeks cripple me, if I left, she’d be at Mitch and Deanna’s and be subjected to regular doses of Jen. If Jessica didn’t go, I wouldn’t go.
“If you want to spend some time with Jessica, she’s upstairs.” She’d taken a nap and I’d left her slowly waking up while I went to talk to Radleigh. I was glad for it, because maybe he’d stay upstairs with her and I wouldn’t have to look at him while I tried to deal with my feelings.
As I started to walk towards the kitchen, Radleigh said, “You don’t get to control everything, Leah. I still get a say in where our daughter goes.”
“I’m fully aware of that, Radleigh,” I said without turning around. “That’s why I didn’t just take her. Unlike you, I’m still trying to communicate.”
I continued walking towards the kitchen but my breath was stolen as he grabbed me and pushed me against the wall, my back slamming against it, his fingers digging into my shoulders. I glared up at him, trying to even out my breathing. “Let. Go. Now.”
His hard body pressed against me as his eyes stared into mine. I lifted my hands and pushed against his solid chest. Unable to shift him, I said, “I’m not playing around here. You hurt me before when you started throwing your weight around. If you don’t let go of me right now, I will have no problem screaming until the security outside run in here and take you away. You fucking bruise me again, and I will call the police.”
After another second of glaring at me, Radleigh slowly loosened his grip, and just when I thought I was free, he came at me again, his hands in my hair and his lips pushing against mine in a heart-stopping kiss. I struggled to push him off, anger still riding my bloodstream.
“Are you kidding me?” I gasped as I managed to pull away from him. “Get off!”
Instead of doing as I asked, one hand snuck down my side to my skirt and began to slide it up my leg. His weight had me pinned against the wall and I yelled, “Stop!”
Radleigh’s mouth was hot on mine as he kissed me again, and the rage coursing through my veins made my breath come out in short, sharp bursts, so much so that I couldn’t gain enough to tell him again to get away from me. He pushed my skirt up and his fingers curled around the top of my knickers. The brush of his fingers on my hips caused my breath to stutter again and he laughed.
“You don’t want me to stop.” His breath on my neck tickled and caused a shiver to run through me. I wouldn’t let him be right. I wouldn’t want him. Wouldn’t want this.
“Come on, Leah,” he whispered as his hands pushed the thin material down my thighs. “Admit it.”
“I want you to leave,” I said as firmly as I could. It was getting harder as his lips found my neck and blazed a path down to my shoulder.
“No. You don’t.” Keeping me firmly pressed into the wall, he unzipped his jeans and pushed them down along with his boxers then lifted one of my legs up, holding it in place around his hip. “Say it again, Leah. Tell me you want me to go, and I will.”
His eyes found mine again and I hated him. Hated myself. Hated everything. When I didn’t speak, he slammed inside me, making me cry out. I had no choice but to wind my arms around his neck to keep me upright as he roughly pushed inside me, my back hitting the wall with each thrust.