If I Let You Go

“She fell asleep in front of the TV earlier, so I carried her to bed and hoped she’d be okay. What shall I do?”

“Just stay with her, keep talking to her. She’ll feel better if she knows you’re not going anywhere. And … I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

I hung up with a sigh.

“Everything okay?” Mum asked, looking up from her knitting. She loved to knit, not because it’s a stereotypical thing for old people to do – she wasn’t that old – but because she always had to be doing something, even while watching television. Dad had fallen asleep in his chair.

“Not really,” I told her. “Tilly had a nightmare and she’s asking for me. I’m going to give Dominic a hand with her.”

She threw me a warm smile. “Madison, you can’t always be there, you know? I know that little girl means the world to you, but soon she won’t be able to count on you to go to her.”

“I know. But while I can, I will. I’ll try not to be too long.”

I ordered a cab to take me across town, then ran up to my room. On my old dresser, Mum had kept a selection of my old soft toys. Who knows why, but at that moment, I was glad. I picked up my former favourite childhood toy – a grey and brown fluffy dog, and tucked it into my bag before going outside to wait for the taxi.

Dominic’s mum, Jayne, hadn’t always lived nearby. She moved into town shortly after Dominic and his wife, to be closer to them so she could help with Tilly. His older brother, David, had followed a year or so later with his own family. Having them around had turned out to be far more useful than Dominic expected, especially after Hayley left. Jayne was the sweetest person ever, and even on the few occasions I’d gone to Devon without Dominic and Tilly, I always made sure to visit her.

Jayne greeted me with a hug, promising we’d talk soon but Tilly was still screaming upstairs, so I hurried up to her, the sound scratching at my insides.

Dominic sat with her, but in her inconsolable state she kept pushing him away, telling him to get Mungo.

The scene was painful in so many ways.

“Tilly,” I said, softly.

My voice silenced her, and she stared at me for a few moments, as if trying to work out if I was really there or part of a dream. I stepped into the room and sat with her and Dominic on the bed, pulling her into my arms. When she realised she was actually awake, she started to sob again, clinging to me. I glanced at Dominic over Tilly’s shoulder. With tears glistening in his eyes, he gave me a grateful smile before leaving the room.

“I had a bad dream,” Tilly said, while I stroked her hair. “I had a bad dream.”

“Do you want to tell me about it?” I asked, trying to shake the image of Dominic’s sadness from my head.

“No. Don’t leave me, Maddi!”

“I’m not going anywhere, baby girl. I’ll stay right with you until you fall asleep.”

“I’m not going to sleep. You have to stay!”

“Shh. Everything’s going to be okay.”

“I need Mungo!”

“Mung

o’s at home,” I said, but let go of her for a second to reach down into my bag. “But I brought something for you.”

“What is it?”

I lifted my dog out of my bag and handed it to her. “This is my friend, Patch. I know you want Mungo, but Patch used to look after me when I was little. I thought you might like to borrow him until we get home.”

Tilly turned Patch over in her hands a few times, probably debating whether or not he would be an acceptable substitute. Eventually, she hugged him close to her. “He smells like you.”

I laughed. “Well he used to be my best friend. I’ve spent lots of time with him.”

Wiping her eyes, she said, “Thank you. Can you read me a story?”

“Of course I can, sweetheart.”

It was almost an hour before Tilly really calmed down. She snuggled Patch close to her as if her life depended on him. To her mind, it probably did. She refused to tell me about her nightmare, and she clung to my hand for forty minutes before she would even let me start reading to her. I was happy to stay with her for as long as she needed, but it drained me to see her so upset. No child should ever be that afraid or unhappy, and every ounce of my strength went into righting what was wrong. Even if only temporarily. It was enough for now, enough to let her rest without any fears.