If I Let You Go

“Yes! That’s the point he keeps missing. It’s like he thinks working so hard will make up for everything when what she really needs is for him to be there for her.”

How could Neil see it so clearly, but Dominic be so blind?

“Can I ask a personal question?” Neil said, and right away I knew where he was going.

“You can ask.”

“Is there something else going on here? Something that’s more to do with Dominic than Tilly?”

“No.” I sighed. “No. I do care about him. A lot. And I don’t want him to go any more than I want Tilly to. I think because he’s leaving, it’s making me wonder if I’m missing something with him but I’m pretty sure it’s just fear.”

“Fear of what?”

“Of starting my life. Of having to stand on my own two feet.”

“Madison, you already do that.”

“I know. I know, but Dom’s always been there. I can count on him for anything so I never felt like I was on my own. When they go, there’ll be a big hole in my life and I don’t know what to fill it with.”

Neil smiled, like he knew something I didn’t. He didn’t say a word, though. Instead, he held me closer, allowing me to rest my head on his shoulder, my brain whirling at a thousand miles an hour. I hadn’t realised how scared I was until Neil asked the questions. I’d lived on my own before, my family weren’t too far away, so I would never really be alone. But Tilly had been my only priority for so long. I never intended to be Dominic’s live-in babysitter forever. I knew a point would come when things would change and I’d need to re-assess my life. But I’d expected more warning. More than a few weeks, and I’d never expected the shift to be so big.

And underneath the fear was a nagging question. The one that cropped up when I’d watched Dominic loosen his tie, and when I’d heard Serena’s voice on the phone. The one that was too afraid to ask why I’d slept with Dominic when I knew how much damage it might do.

Discovering the answer to the question was pointless, though. What difference would it make? If I felt nothing or if I felt something, he was still leaving. I couldn’t change that.

Chapter 7

Four hours trapped in a car with an almost six-year-old and a man you’re barely talking to is the definition of living hell. Okay, that might be a bit dramatic, but between the, “Are we there yets,” and the palpable tension, I spent most of my time wishing I’d taken the train.

Dominic and I were keeping things civil, but it didn’t feel real. It was the fake kind of politeness that meant the atmosphere stayed pleasant for Tilly’s sake, but lurking underneath was a fight waiting to happen. Or if not a fight, at least an excruciatingly uncomfortable conversation.

When Dominic dropped me at my parents’ house, I sprang out of the car as if I’d been launched from a catapult.

My parents, bless their hearts, had made up a Devonshire cream tea for my arrival. You just can’t get proper clotted cream in London, it doesn’t taste the same. No matter how long I lived near the big city, I’d always been a small town girl at heart.

I spent most of my first day back just chatting with them, except for a brief trip into town where some of the long-time locals greeted me as if I was a lost sheep returning to the herd. It was fun to see everyone, but also weird how so many people stayed in the same place for so long. The same people worked in the same shops, and the little old ladies still congregated outside the church in town on the benches, to pause for breath or simply to talk about whatever little old ladies talk about.

Sitting in my parents’ living room that evening, watching Eastenders and dunking chocolate digestives into a mug of tea was the most relaxing part of my day.

Until my phone rang.

It was a little after nine, and I honestly hadn’t expected to hear from Dominic. I wanted to ignore the call, but I picked up anyway, assuming whatever it was could be dealt with quickly.

Right away, I heard it. Tilly’s screams reached my ears almost as loudly as if I were there with her. My heart started to race because the sound, although familiar, always scared me.

“Madison,” Dominic said, his voice shaky. “I need some help.”

“She had a nightmare.”

“Yeah, I think so. She woke up five minutes ago, screaming that something was in her room. I tried to calm her down, but she kept asking for you. She’s still asking for you, Madison, and I don’t know what to do. I told her you can’t come because you’re on holiday and I don’t want to disturb you, but she knows you’re not far away. And … she keeps asking for Mungo. What the hell is a Mungo?”

I didn’t know whether to laugh or shout at him for his cluelessness. In fairness, he knew Tilly needed her cuddly monkey, but Tilly only came up with the name quite recently.

“It’s her monkey,” I said. “Mungo is her monkey.”

“Oh, shit. I forgot her monkey.”

“Dom, you know she can’t sleep without it.”