Nobody Knows (Razes Hell 1)

“Go back the way you came, and at the bottom of the stairs, there’s a fire door. That’s where the cars are waiting.”

“And there are no reporters out there?”

Joey shook his head. “It’s as if they’ve never stalked anyone before.”

I let out a small laugh. “Thanks, I’d better go. Please look after Jason for me and... make sure he gets home safely.”

The guys nodded, and I knew I could trust them to keep Jason from falling apart any further. With a quick smile, I dashed out the way Mack instructed, and almost tripped over Drew as I opened the fire door. Two cars waited for us, but he hadn’t made it that far.

He sat on the step, hunched over, shivering from the cold.

A full-sized version of how he sat the first day I met him.

Without a word, I sat beside him, and wrapped my arms around him. His head hit my shoulder, and he let out a sob, puncturing the silence of the back street, and simultaneously puncturing another hole in my heart as his tears seeped into my shirt. I held him tighter, my own tears falling hard.

I’d never seen him cry before. Not when he broke his arm after falling off his bike. Not when the postman delivered a letter addressed to his mother two years after she died. Not when Jason was carted away to rehab, merely a shadow of who he used to be.

“I didn’t mean to... I... Ellie-”

“Shh. It’s okay.”

He tried to speak again, but nothing came out. Nothing more than a croaky sound before he took a shuddering breath, then gave up. I kissed the top of his head, waiting for his long pent-up emotions to ease a little. When he was ready, he looked up and wiped his eyes, exhausted. “I couldn’t stop myself.” His eyes stared straight ahead and I knew he wasn’t completely with me. Lost in thought.

So I waited.

“He’s my brother, Ells. It’s not okay that I hate him and love him, and I’m angry with him, and I feel bad for him. Right now I want to punch him in the face for the things he said to me, but I also want to be his big brother, and protect him from what I said to him. I don’t know which instinct is strongest.”

I ran my hand soothingly across his back. “Which instinct is always strongest in you, Drew?”

“The one that wants to punch him in the face.”

I l

aughed, softly. “No. It’s not. Recently, maybe. But mostly, it’s always been the big brother thing.”

“I wanted to hurt him, Ellie. All I did was remind myself of the painful crap we went through. The stuff I try not to think about. And the worst part is I’m not finished. Not even close.” He hung his head again. “Do you remember my mum?”

“Not very well,” I answered, sifting through recollections in my mind. “I remember a lady used to live in your house, and sometimes I saw her playing in the garden with you and Jason. She was always smiling. She was the happy lady who used to live next door.”

“Yeah. That was Mum. The happy lady.” Drew looked up at me. “When she got ill, sometimes I’d go to her room and sit with her. Even when she was almost gone, she kept smiling. She used to tell me to look after Dad and Jason. She said if she had to leave us, she knew we’d be okay because she could count on me to take care of everything. I don’t think she meant to put such a huge burden on me. She wasn’t telling me to give up my own life for Dad and Jason, but I was young. I thought the least I could do for her was look after our family. Keep Dad from falling apart, and keep Jason out of trouble. I did okay with Dad. But every time Jason did something bad, I felt like I’d let my mum down. When he got worse, when he was using drugs and stealing from us to get his next fix, I blamed myself. I thought, ‘If Mum was here, he wouldn’t do this, she’d be able to stop him.’ I couldn’t. I couldn’t keep my promise to her.” He paused then turned away as he broke down again. “I just wanted her back, Ells. I wanted her here to tell me what to do.”

Without ever meeting her, I wanted her back too. I wished she could see what an exceptional person she’d brought into the world. A little boy who only wanted to fulfil his mother’s dying wish, who grew into a man who loved his family so much, he tore himself apart for feeling the way anyone in his position would have felt.

“Drew. You didn’t fail.”

“I failed Jason by not being his brother.”

“That’s not true. Yes, you were overprotective a lot of times, but you never stopped being a brother. You were there for him, even when he didn’t deserve it.”

“I’m fucked up, Ellie. Losing Mum messed me up. I should have dealt with it better. Sooner. Do you know what Lisa said to me when she left, Ells? She said she’d never marry someone like me, and I’d never be good for anyone because I didn’t have a female role model when I was growing up, which meant I had no way to know how to treat a woman.”

Five years. Lisa was with him for five years, and those were the last words she spoke to him? The man who loved her so much he’d have walked through fire for her. What kind of person uses the death of their boyfriend’s mother as a way to explain why she’s leaving him?

“Is she right?” he asked.

I took his face in my hands. “Listen to me. You never treated her badly. Not once, Drew. You were everything a boyfriend should be because you learned all you needed to about relationships from seeing your parents together. You told me.”

“Did I?”