Yup. It was true, he was the one. It still sometimes astounded me how we hadn’t always been so close, but knowing each other forever made it easy for us to see how much sense we made. Jason and I could communicate without speaking, but he didn’t speak to my heart the way Drew did.
Drew was everything.
“I wish it was easy, Lucy. I wish I could say Jason’s idea is total genius but it’s not that simple. First of all, remember what happened last time I got on stage?”
I shuddered, thinking about all those eyes on me, and me freezing up then running away. It made me sick to imagine getting on a stage again and attempting to sing. If I couldn’t sing a cover of a song I knew inside out with my best friend, how would I be able to overcome the emotion of a song that meant so much? That had so much resting on it?
A sudden desperate need to be alone forced me to my feet, and I picked up the lyric sheet, Jason’s letter and the CD, and stuffed them into my bag.
“Ellie, what are you doing?”
“I need to go home.” Claustrophobia bore down on me the way it did at the hospital. “Thank you for passing the message on, but I need to think.”
I rushed out the front door, and started down the path, halting abruptly as I spotted Drew getting out of his car.
Drew. For the first time since we broke up.
For the briefest second, his eyes brightened. The light faded as quickly as it appeared though, and everything inside me dissolved, emptying me of the last of my hope.
But he didn’t make any move to leave. Swallowing down the lump in my throat, I tried to speak.
“I... It’s... Hi.”
“Hi.”
Okay, he didn’t tell you to get lost. Let’s try for something resembling English this time.
“How are you?”
Ooh, aren’t we Wordy Worderson today? The feeling of wanting to leap into his arms rushed over me, but I knew he wouldn’t catch me. Wouldn’t let me cuddle into his chest. Wouldn’t let me breathe in his scent, and feel as special as I always felt when I was wrapped up in him. And I knew it because he folded his arms across his chest to keep a barrier between us. There was already a reasonable sized garden separating us. I’d hurt him badly enough that - clearly - he felt he needed some extra protection.
“I’m okay. How are you?”
“I’m... okay.”
I’m not okay.
“I’ve just come over to take Dad to see Jason.”
My eyebrows shot upwards. “Are you going to see him too?”
Drew shook his head, his eyes expressionless and my heart sank. It was probably still too soon for him, but for a second I’d thought maybe… maybe he was ready.
My legs wanted to bolt away, to end the awkwardness. I couldn’t stand how much I wanted, needed, to touch him, and if I stayed any longer, I’d crumble. Fall at his feet, and have to deal with the rejection I’d promised myself I wouldn’t go through again.
Nobody knows how much it takes to stay complete when I want to break. When there’s nothing left one thing is true. Nobody knows but you.
My knees buckled as the words drifted through my mind, as clear as if someone had hooked up an iPod directly to my brain. Drew didn’t know I’d heard his lyrics, but when his eyes met mine, I felt sure he was thinking about them, too.
“Ellie, I... I have to go.”
I nodded. He threw me a sad smile, a smile which both warmed me and broke my heart at the same time. It was the smile. The one he reserved only for me. Just... an unhappier version.
“See ya,” I said, fighting the sting of hot tears behind my eyes.
“See ya.”
Drew continued on his way to his dad’s house, and I quickly clambered into my car, throwing my bag down on the passenger seat.