It wasn’t the easiest conversation we’d ever had - it was barely a conversation - but it was the one that needed to happen. The first one after the break-up. I never expected him to magically forgive me for stomping on his heart, on his trust. It was pretty amazing he managed to stay around me for longer than a minute before making an excuse to get away.
And that smile. That was the part I clung to, because maybe it meant we could re-build what we had. Maybe it meant, although he hated it, he understood what I did.
Or maybe I was deluding myself out of desperation. Life without him was like living inside a black and white television. Everything still worked as normal, but the brightness was missing. My world was dull, lacking in clarity.
Was Jason right? Was it all down to me to make this better? Could I get up in front of a crowd and make Drew understand how much I loved him?
There were so many ways Jason’s plan could go wrong. Only one way it could go right. Best case scenario, I’d get the happy ending. Worst case scenario, I’d get through the song, only for Drew to tell me how awful I am, leaving me alone on the stage while the audience stared at me with pitying eyes, muttering how bad they felt for me. Or sniggering at me for being so stupid.
In spite of the hideous realisation I might be completely humiliated, there was a voice in my head, a feeling in my gut telling me Jason had provided me with everything I needed to get Drew back.
I wasn’t sure if I had the strength.
“Ellie, are you sure you’ve really thought about this?”
Jason’s eyes bore into me like laser beams, cutting through me, searching for the truth.
Again, we sat in the rehab centre’s common room as people came and went around us, some of them with their own visitors, some just sitting quietly, staring into space. This was only my second visit but it was already familiar enough to feel comfortable, more like a cool hangout spot than what it really was.
“I haven’t thought about anything else. I didn’t sleep, I couldn’t work. I can’t get that song out of my head, Jason. But I can’t sing it. I can’t.”
“And I thought Lucy could persuade you to do anything.”
“Yeah, about that,” I sat up straighter. “Why did you get her involved in this? It’s bad enough dealing with you nagging me.”
Lucy’s interest in Jason was the other thing that kept me awake. It wasn’t my place to tell her who she could or couldn’t be friends with; I was her sister, not her mother. I couldn’t stop worrying she might mistake Jason’s intentions towards her, though. She wanted a way to get closer to him, and he’d given it to her with no idea what effect it would have.
“Lucy’s worried about you.” Jason said. “She told me she wished she could help so I–”
“You turned her into your delivery girl.”
“Stop making it sound so sneaky. She came
here, she wanted to do something for you, so I asked her to give you the CD. I didn’t lure her here with cookies and chocolate. She came to me.”
You wouldn’t need to lure her. Just ask, and she’ll come running.
“Be careful with her, please,” I said. “I don’t want her getting mixed up in anything that might backfire on her.”
“Such as? She passed on a message, that’s all.”
The words, ‘she’s got a crush on you, okay?’ were halfway up my throat before I swallowed them back. I couldn’t do that to her, even if it made Jason understand why he had to be careful. It’d be way too embarrassing for her, and she’d never forgive me.
“Whatever,” I said. “I just don’t want her worrying about me and Drew when she should be focusing on college.”
“Okay. Message received. No more errand running for Lucy. I’m not done with you, though.”
“Yeah, we’ll we’ve been through this, and I told you. I need some time.”
“I’m giving you four weeks.”
“And what happens if I put myself out there and he rejects me? Again. There’ll be people with cameras, just like last time. I don’t want that moment plastered all over the internet. I’ve had enough of my private moments finding their way to entertainment websites. The last one led to me losing my dream job, remember?”
Jason’s face fell, and it made me feel like a bitch because I wasn’t trying to remind him of his part in it. I needed him to understand why I wasn’t ready to lay everything on the line.
“Jason, can’t you try to see where I’m coming from? I know you want to help me. I do.”
“So let me. Mack said he’ll come by your place so you can try it out with the guitar, and just... just try.”