That’s right, Deber sneered. Silly Lucy, back to her silly life. Alone. And that’s how you’ll stay. Because no one wants you. No one.
I ignored the insinuations that were so t
ired and old, like faded wallpaper, then jumped as a bathroom stall opened. I half-expected the demons to shuffle out but it was Abby. She had toilet paper pressed to her eyes and stopped when she saw me.
“Oh, hey, Luce.”
“Hi,” I said flatly as she joined me at the sinks.
Her eyes were smudged with mascara and brimming with tears. “Lucy, I—”
“I don’t want to hear it.”
Don’t be bitter, pumpkin, Dad said. It’s not your style.
I snorted. “Maybe it should be.”
“Huh?” Abby shook her head. “Listen, I need to tell you something. Lucy…I’m a bad person.”
I crossed my arms. “Okay.”
“I know, shocker, right? I don’t know why I do half the things I do. Do you know why I was so eager to help you with Guy? Because I don’t want him. He’s wholesome and good and we don’t vibe at all. But me and Cas? He’s got a darkness that I totally vibe with. Getting you with Guy was literally just so I could have Cas to myself. But he’s not interested in me and—wow—did he make that crystal clear at the wedding. I felt so invisible. Humiliated. So I humiliated you with that stupid video. As if all my shit is your fault, and I’m sorry, Lucy. I really am.”
I uncrossed my arms. “So, you and Cas…?”
She snorted. “What me and Cas? He never gave me the time of day, despite my best efforts.”
“You never slept with him.”
Abby gave me an incredulous look in the mirror. “I wish. He wouldn’t even kiss me. I mean…how humiliating is it when even an escort won’t touch you? That’s his job.”
I almost laughed. Abby’s insistence that Casziel had only been with me because I paid him was still insulting, but the fact he never touched her was like a burst of hope that tried to crack the brittle shell around me.
Abby started to cry again. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I get these urges to do terrible things like make videos, and I give in. Like it’s a thrill to see the number of likes and all the nasty comments, and then I just feel like crap afterward. Why do I do stuff like that?”
Because you have a Deber and Keeb too.
“We all do,” I said. “We all have little voices in our heads that tell us bad stuff is a good idea. I used to think there was something wrong with me. Like my own brain had become a bully and turned against me. But those voices are not the real you and they have no actual control. You have the power to ignore them until they just become noise.” I smiled. “I’m not saying it’s easy but maybe if we ignore them long enough, they’ll disappear altogether.”
“That would be really nice,” Abby said and sniffed. “God, you are being so nice to me when I don’t deserve it. Because you’re a good person.” She huffed a shaky breath. “I’m quitting Ocean Alliance.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“Yeah, I do. I only signed on because my parents have more money than God and threatened to cut me off if I didn’t contribute to the world in some meaningful way. Working here fit the bill but it’s not my style and—clearly—I have too much time on my hands.”
“What are you going to do?”
She wiped mascara from under her eyes. “I’m going to do something I want to do. I’ll get my own place and pay my own rent. Get a roommate and struggle for a little while. But who cares? Lucy, I don’t expect you to forgive me, and you definitely don’t need to take advice from me but don’t let my stupid video mess things up for you and Guy. God, I hope it didn’t. Because you deserve to be happy.”
I managed a tight smile. “It didn’t mess anything up, I promise.”
She threw her arms around me in a short hug. “Thanks, Luce. And I think your shoe idea is really good. It’s going to make a real impact.”
I waited a few more minutes after she was gone, then headed out. Coworkers congratulated me, and Jana—on the phone at her desk—waved at me like she wanted to talk but I couldn’t stay in the office another second. Tomorrow, I’d return and get back to work, but I was going to take the rest of the afternoon off.
Outside, I hunched against the rain—the storm had arrived in full force. In all my turmoil over Casziel, I’d forgotten a raincoat, and my dress and cardigan were soaked instantly. I should’ve called an Uber, but my thoughts were scattered, my chest feeling hollow and carved out. They say what does not kill you makes you stronger, but I just felt numb.
Go back to your little life…